Wits End

[shimmerz]

inadequate' his response was, instead take a minute to realize that he is there.

Wise words. I think this is triggering the judgement issue in me as well as not being heard, although he was not the cause of the trigger in the first place.

We have to learn to stay in charge of these kids

Yes, thank you for the reminder. I will just have the figure out a way to communicate with this fragment. Thanks for the reminder. I will have to brush up on this and previous attempts have been scary at best during the process. I must remember the Shaman telling me never to go to the child but have the child come to me. Make sure she knows I am in charge. Thanks so much @Pencil

If you're fortunate you can find these people.

I too am so lucky to have these types of people in my life. The problem with this type of thing is it throws them off greatly which, like a domino effect, tosses me around like crazy. Can't keep it straight which makes me feel like I am 'on my own'. Part of the trigger I expect. Just realized that. Thanks you! Thanks so much for the hugs..... :)

Sound advice all of you. I won't go near my 'things today' just so I can see a contrast.

 

[Laura 2]

The problem with this type of thing is it throws them off greatly which, like a domino effect, tosses me around like crazy.

Yes! Thank you for putting this into words. Know just how this feels.

It's like in this frame of mind we need a stable parent to 'hold' the supporting structures, to hold the line, to stay rooted in their normality - instead of which people expect us to be fully functioning adults, even parents for them, to help them hold their stuff together.

 

[Hope4Now]

I'm sending you energy for life. I just looked at what I wrote below. Sorry to go on and on. You didn't ask for advice, so take it or leave it as you wish. So much of what you've written resonates with my own experience. It's not the same because I'm not you, but the feelings in your words echoed in my body and my heart. I don't know if it helps to know that others of us are struggling along in many similar ways. I hope you can manage the infant and toddler energies today in ways that give you some moments of peace.

Nowhere to go as an infant/toddler, nothing to have of my own, no stability and complete lack of safety around others. It is like I have been thrown into a fragment of myself that safety was about being invisible. Safety is being in touch with people. In this moment I know that and thank you for reminding me of that. the problem is when I click into that other fragment, I have no concept of this.

I understand this completely. I've struggled with this all my life. Some wise adult part of myself managed to stop running in my external life...to root myself in my present with people and belongings and responsibilities. But because my infant and toddler parts haven't healed, I feel profound and overwhelming pressure all the time...resentful of my responsibilities to people, and frustrated and scared. I have an ongoing desire to purge and run and be invisible. (Yet I know this is NOT safe or healthy). I do the last internally...so much so that I am invisible to myself at most levels.

Once the infant and toddler parts flood me, it is very hard to ground myself and recognize what's happening so I can do something about it, or even just "be" with the feelings without acting in ways that will put me in danger. The need is to get these parts of yourself that are polarized to talk to each other...to share their insights and feelings and beliefs. It is easier said than done. I have been working on this for months...trying different kinds of visualizations to gently prevent the infant parts from "taking over" or "clicking in" so I can be in my current self while interacting with them.

I have been having some success on imagining myself in a large bubble of some flexible, impenetrable stuff, and imagining the infant and child parts of myself in their own bubbles. When I notice the feelings coming that usually end up in full flashback, I have been using this to give my adult self some space so the infant or child self doesn't take over. It has also been helping me protect myself from feeling overwhelmed by others' needs and expectations of me. It has also been helping me to better distinguish "who" is influencing me at any given moment internally. If I can hold onto these bubble images, I'm a little better at being able to recognize my young parts' hurts and needs. It is very difficult to do, and quite scary actually to be with the child parts vs. having them take over. (Because suddenly I realize that I need to do something to heal them, and their pain is hideously overwhelming). It seems, however, to be the only way to do it. One can't heal these parts when they have clicked in and taken over the self.

It's like in this frame of mind we need a stable parent to 'hold' the supporting structures, to hold the line, to stay rooted in their normality - instead of which people expect us to be fully functioning adults, even parents for them, to help them hold their stuff together.

Yes yes yes.

 

[Pencil]

Safety is being in touch with people.

Not necessarily, and that is why, if she feels so threatened by people, it is a good idea to go 'away', but you have to learn to do that while keeping your body in a safe place, which is at home / with people you know and trust. The need to get away can be very real and very necessary - but physically running off into the wide blue yonder will be putting yourself at risk.

 

[Laura 2]

The need to get away can be very real and very necessary - but physically running off into the wide blue yonder will be putting yourself at risk.

I think you're right @Pencil , but what if you have nowhere else to go? What if people just aren't listening to your real, practical needs?

 

[Pencil]

I don't know :( - but I get the impression @shimmerz does have a good support structure - and I'm sure there are people (e.g. shaman) who will give her the space to do what she needs to do. It also sounds as if the SO is trying

 

[junglegirl]

Shimmerz if that need to cry is present and you feel you cannot show that hurt part in front of certain other people, yet feel you can do it safely in your car, scream and cry and let it out in your car. Noone can hear you and you can feel what you need to. However, if you need someone present to be with you tell your therapist that what you need is to cry for yourself and ask him or her to just be present to your needs and supportive. You do not always need to be " the together one" shed that illusion. It is a mask hiding the real you. If others reject you for the true you they are not worthy of being called friends. The only person other than yourself that you would ever need to protect from the horrors of what your feeling is a child. A child does not need to be subjected to upset and should never be. A child should always be protected.
Tatiana

 

[Hope4Now]

For me, the most difficult thing of all is to act counter-intuitively. When we want to run away, we need to run toward. Toward a safe person. The person won't be able to meet all our needs...nobody can. But they might meet one or two...enough for the moment if we can be open to receive what they have to offer us.

Best analogy I've come up with comes from my old kayaking training. I learned in a ridiculously small boat that would tip over if you sneezed. In those boats in which one fit so snugly, you had to know how to do a roll so you could come out of the capsize without exiting your boat. I could not do it. A bit like when flashback/flooding happens.

When you're upside down under water it feels like you will drown. Your instinct is to lean back and get out, head and shoulders first. Anything to escape the moment and get out from under the boat that has trapped you. But if you do this, you get trapped in the boat and you will drown unless someone can manage to right it while you're still in it (nearly impossible).

My teachers taught me that the only way to escape is to do what's counter-intuitive...stop the panic, move slowly, make yourself aware of your body, instruct your body to do exactly the opposite of what it wants to do. Then lean forward toward the boat, and lift yourself out hips first. It is hard to quell the panic and hard to take control of one's automatic reactions, but it works. You get free, you surface into the air, you hang onto the boat while you rest and breathe. Once you've made the life saving space between you and your boat, you can see your relationship with it in an entirely different way. It can trap you in danger and panic, but it can also save you once you learn to mange yourself in relation to it.

And one ought never kayak alone. It is dangerous for even the most experienced paddlers. It is embarrassing to be seen as the one who tips over, always gets stuck, can't master the roll like everyone else. It's hard to forgive oneself for causing others frustration and forgiving others for being frustrated because you require help. But these folks who paddle with you aren't going to leave you behind. They're rooting for you to learn and improve your skills. Yes, some of it is selfish--they want to have a good time and not have to deal with constant crises. But some of it is kind and loving too--they want you to have a good time right along with them.

 

[Laura 2]

@Hope4Now
What a great analogy. It really found the right spot in me. Thank you.

 

[shimmerz]

Not necessarily, and that is why, if she feels so threatened by people, it is a good idea to go 'away', but you have to learn to do that while keeping your body in a safe place,

Yes, this is so very true and on my 'adult level' I get this. The problem is that I snap into this 'other facet' of myself so quickly and although I am co-conscious I am unable to control my body in any way and seem helpless to be but a mere bystander while I am overtaken with this need to leave. There is hope though and you led me to something very intense today - which is helping very much. I will talk of this later. I highly recommend this book if you haven't read it. My SO picked it out for me. He is uncannily intuitive in this way.

but what if you have nowhere else to go? What if people just aren't listening to your real, practical needs?

This is the problem. Stymied. I believe people are not listening or are triggered by my situation so don't want to hear it or play it down - so therefore can ignore a friend/mother/sister (she doesn't count though :-)) sleeping in a car in sub zero weather. My shaman 'leaves it to the universe', friends can only watch so much and their pain they need to numb out so they can only watch so much. I used to call the help line in the middle of the night asking 'where do you go when there is nowhere to go'? They had no answer for me. If they don't know how can I possibly know?

but I get the impression @shimmerz does have a good support structure

Yes, I do, but please see above. It has been 8 years now and things logistically are not getting any better for me. It is too much for those around me to watch. Thank you so much @Pencil, yes, I am trying so very hard. This is where the frustration sets in. The random hopelessness because I know my attempts have been superhuman - and I am nowhere farther in this way. It is like the system wants this.

Shimmerz if that need to cry is present and you feel you cannot show that hurt part in front of certain other people, yet feel you can do it safely in your car, scream and cry and let it out in your car.

@junglegirl I am so glad you are here. I have missed you. Your idea is very good - for the normal person - but I have been known to cry (primal) for 2+ days without a break. No sleeping, no eating, no peeing - just profound, wracking, hysterical sobs. I don't know where they come from but I am terrified of them. That is most likely why I need to be so far away from others. I can cry and cry and cry and nobody will hear. Understand that as an infant things were placed into my mouth so that nobody would hear my cry. I had a very painful operation at 4 days old and I suppose that my birth parents didn't want or could not hear the pain that I was in - therefore they stopped it.

It is a mask hiding the real you. If others reject you for the true you they are not worthy of being called friends.

So very very true. I am currently seeking the real me. The me without the trauma. I thought I knew who I was but was not privy to this trauma until 45 years after my birth. Now I realize my whole life was a lie and am attempting to find my authentic self. I am hoping it is not an uncontrollably sobbing infant who has some form of a passive death wish. The mask was put upon me 'BE NORMAL'. Actually I just want to be me and that part of me who is not afraid of life. Such a dichotomy.

When we want to run away, we need to run toward. Toward a safe person.

Ah, this is the core of the matter. This fragment of me I have learned to keep secret. There is nobody I can trust with it because as it awakened it terrified those around me. Nobody wants to be 'responsible' if I am drawn to leave. I have hurt so many with this. I know the pattern. I start wearing new clothes, I can't identify with my name, my patterns change completely to a helpless, frightened, - no terrified - secret keeper. I can't talk to anyone about this and I appreciate all of you allowing me to talk about this and your very authentic and sincere responses. This feels so much bigger than me.

So today I have directed my SO NOT to allow me to touch any clothes or purge anything to see the contrast. It has been profound. I am back to myself. But this will need to be dealt with. Soon. So yesterday, knowing that I was in deep crisis, my SO took me to a book store and picked out a book called the untethered soul. (so sorry for this long post). In it, it speaks as @Pencil did - that this is inside of me. However, I know that I need transference here in order to release myself from it, have someone put it into proper perspective for me and then take it back in - regurgitated in such a way that I can process it without having to go through the gyrations and mental and physical anguish that I live each time I even look at a freaking box with my 'things' in it. Arrrrgggghhh. I can't keep the secret anymore.

From the book I feel this is the key. "The loss of soul is the consciousness that has dropped into the place where one human's thoughts, emotions, and sensory perception of sight, sound, taste, touch and smell are all synchronized. All these messages come back to one spot. Then the consciousness, which is capable of being aware of anything, makes the mistake of focusing on that one spot too closely. When the consciousness gets sucked in, it no longer knows itself as itself. It knows itself as the objects it is experiencing. In other words, you perceive yourself as these objects. You think you are the sum of your learned experiences. '

Yep, simple. Now if only I could remember that when I dig through those boxes and try to purge.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate each and every one of you. I know each of you have very deep issues yourselves and so appreciate your taking the time to care. That in itself has helped me to ground out because I know that even with your own very large issues you cared enough to care for me - you all had very valuable things to say and it has stuck with me all day. I expect many of these words from each one of you will help me tremendously as I dig in and figure out a strategy whilst walking that tight rope of what is too much and what is necessary.

Love and Light
Shimmerz

 

[Pencil]

Well, you're here, and not sleeping in your car under a bridge, and I consider it progress. Not ideal, not healed, not .... but here. But I know the frustration you are speaking of. What does your T say?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@shimmerz - I don't honestly know what to say, but I wanted you to know that I am here to listen and am glad you had some positives today. As @Pencil said, it might not be ideal or healed, but you are here. That book sounds interesting.