Wits End

[shimmerz]

@Pencil, I haven't told him yet. I am not certain that I will be able to. Ssssshhhhh! It is a secret. Gotta get over that. Secrets are so so so so so so bad. I have to out myself - not sure how to. Going to keep reading this book and see if I can pull from inside what I need to do to externalize this fragment of myself so that I can see it for what it is. In the meanwhile, my keys are in my SO's care - I go to the doctor tomorrow and then to T on Tuesday. I have made a deal with my SO that I will go near NOTHING that needs purging right now.

@JEKBreatheandBelieve you are so cool. I so thank you - nobody needs to have the answers but the caring.....that is not replaceable. Just knowing I have said something and that nobody judged me on it - that there is compassion and understanding without feeling like a freak. It is a great step and each of you I feel are holding my hand as I take the tentative steps on 'outing myself'. In the meanwhile a safety plan is in place (although my SO doesn't know the depth of it). He just knows what he saw and has stopped asking questions.

I so appreciate you all - there are no words.

 

[junglegirl]

Shimmerz I missed u2. Deep crying is a sign of deep healing. Google deep crying and lundy bancroft. Do not worry after everything you have been through crying for two dsys may seem frightening but it is healing you. All the emotional toxins are released when you cry for you. You awaken the compassion within you. And no child wishes to die. You need to cry because of the horrible things done to you. that is what children do- cry their heads off until they feel better. It is a little girl part of you sfraid you will cry forever. Nothing lasts that long it is alright to allow yourself to cry. If you neef support do it in front of your therapist or cry and call her immediately. It is through crying for yourself that your compassion will grow for that child that should have been adored. I hope you feel peace tonight. Hugz,
Tatiana

 

[shimmerz]

@junglegirl - I hear your words. I feel them and believe them to be true. I think I may need a solid week with my therapist if I was to do such. That may be something that I will consider but with safeties in place. Again, without crying it comes down to my perpetuating the lies. I am denying myself the truth of how it felt. Sometimes still feels. Maybe with a plan in place I won't feel so drawn to being alone with my crying. Thanks you! Hugz back to ya!

 

[Laura 2]

This is the problem. Stymied. I believe people are not listening or are triggered by my situation so don't want to hear it or play it down - so therefore can ignore a friend/mother/sister...

Every word of your response here speaks my lived reality. You put it so well.

This feels so much bigger than me.

I think that there is a bigger dynamic here - perhaps most of society doesn't really want to look at the damage it does to people who become traumatised or rendered mentally ill. Society's denial (as displayed via our friends/family/community around us) means that they deny, ignore and shun us because our traumas are too uncomfortable for them. No wonder we feel isolated with nowhere to go. We don't just invent the stereotypical PTSD symptom of 'feeling of being alien/isolated': by and large, I believe we are in reality.

 

[Hope4Now]

I feel them and believe them to be true. I think I may need a solid week with my therapist if I was to do such.

I hear you. I have this fantasy that I could do a marathon session with my therapist and just let go of all the toxic chaos in me. A week? A month? It takes me like 45 minutes of an hour-long session to begin to feel safe enough to process stuff, and then it's time to gather myself back together again...so it all comes out in not-so-good ways later.