Should the Person(s) Who Traumatized You Be Punished for What They Did?

[Lionheart]

Yes, they should be punished. Most sexual child abuse perps cannot be rehabilitated and need to be locked away from society for the remainder of their lives.

 

[Zef]

When I was younger (college aged), I had forgiven my parents. Both came from an abusive background worse than what they did to me. When I had my own children, (waiting many years until I was sure I would not continue the cycle) I lost that forgiveness. I can no longer understand, even being abused myself, how any parent could do the things they did.

To me, though, the question isn't one of punishment, it is one of protecting future victims. Sometimes I fantasize about destroying them with words to increase their suffering until they die, but I haven't done that in the real world yet. My abusive step-father will never see his grandkids. Not for punishment, but to protect my kids. . .if he suffers because of it. . .win/win. The other members of my supposed family only can visit on my rules and my supervision. . .even though my siblings and mother were just as victimized.

 

[sea]

I think there comes a line where the desire for a perpetrator to be given punishment crosses over into revenge, which is not something I have any legitimate interest in. As for being held accountable by the law? Yes, I think. But, I suppose I ask myself, in the end, you're not really protecting anyone else from harm. You're just changing who you're protecting. But there is a law for a reason and a punishment for a reason and it is how it is for a reason. So in the end, when someone commits a crime like that, they must answer for it, absolutely. No matter what, though, the cycle of harm always (either unto them, or them unto others) continues whether or not someone is punished. It just becomes someone else's problem.

 

[Hashi]

I'd like them to have their freedom taken away and to have to work in the service of others (ie for good causes) all day every day for the rest of their lives. If they refused, they could be locked up in a little padded cell with only basic necessities for 24 hours a day. It would keep them from harming anyone else, at least.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

It is a difficult topic, to say the least. I would almost agree with hashi, except that my experience is this- one of my abusers was and (still) is in the business of protecting and serving the community. His loyalty to his service is of a self service kind of nature I suppose.

Should they be punished, yes. But time served does very little, as does revenge. You can never get back those things that are taken from you- no amount of punishment or revenge will ever give you back what you have lost. You can only accept, and find a way through it, no matter how difficult it is to accept.

 

[Srain]

Absolutely!! Not a doubt in my mind. Sexual abuse of children from adults is without question something I feel no doubt demands to punish to the max. More often than not I feel like it gets paid off or swept under the rug. It's ugly, not pleasant to discuss. Long term effects can be a lifetime or life ending. The victims from a single criminal can result in the hundreds over a lifetime, it's deplorable and heartbreaking.

I loved my father but the man destroyed the lives of countless children and families, he never paid the price. The men that raped me and my girlfriend, never caught. By the time I was in a position to prosecute my father the statue of limitations was in effect, should there be? NO!!

It's not about forgiveness, it's about a crime not being punished for me.

 

[ekane]

I love this topic and I strongly feel that it depends on the specific situation and also that "punishment" and "consequences" can be deliberately dealt out, but can be 2 totally different things. My mother was very abusive toward me, and now she suffers the consequences: Zero Contact with her daughter, and a lifetime of additional shame on top of that. And quite frankly if she died in a car accident today, I would not care, because as far as I'm concerned, she is a stranger who abused me as a child. Certainly I had no real mother.

She was not a mother. I had to be my own mom. I'm an adult now, and I exist with extreme autonomy and independence, and owe that evil crazy lady nothing. She doesn't deserve my time, my attention, or even my thoughts. I do hope she has a decent life, but like I said, I wouldn't be very sad if she died. Just stating the flat-out truth.

Now on to my father, who was also abusive and narcissistic but is now, in his old age, softening up (to a degree) and owning up to his mistakes (this is a rare miracle, do not expect the narcissist in your life to own up and make any lasting changes, and no matter what, always know that they will let you down again and again, just be grateful for the times they don't! They are too flawed to be consistent I believe).

However, because of the neglect and loss he caused in my life, sometimes I feel he "owes" me for what he took from me, and until he gave me back some of what was owed, I refused to be in his life. But he finally gave me a profound, sincere apology, he gave me back some of the time and patience and efforts to understand what he put me through, and he gives financial support for health and therapy, and although he can't give me everything I want and he still makes mistakes,

I feel he already got the punishment he deserved and has "Served his sentence" with me. Because my life has been so miserable for nearly 20 years, and I lost so much, I feel I fully deserve to take every single thing I can get now. If there is anything that I love or need, anything that makes me feel happier, healthier, and leads me one step closer to feeling like my truest, most confident, most powerful self, I get it, and I feel I deserve to have it, and I deserve to take some of that back in, for myself, because I am determined to make up for what he took from me.

Side note -- I feel anyone who sexually assaults a child deserves profound punishment, jail time being just the beginning. Death penalty should be an option for many cases. Depending on the nature of the crime(s) and psych evaluation of the person, other treatments, isolation from society, and a host of other options should be dealt out.

 

[xena21]

Wow...I had always wished others knew what had been done to me. I was afraid on one hand to let the family secret out, but I wanted the people involved to be punished. My grandfather died before anyone really knew anything. My grandmother was exempt from blame because she spoke up for herself and declared I was wrong. I went on thru my frustration believing I must be a bad person somehow.

At the same time, my older cousin sexually abused and raped me for about a year. I was terrified to tell anyone after what happened with my grandfather. I thought I was such a horrible person. He went away for years, and then came back to live with us when I was in high school. I was terrified. I know things happened that forget for some reason. He lived with us for a year and then went into the military. I know my family should have been in jail. I know they should have been prosecuted. I feel so neglected for the lack of judicial process that happened in my case.

My cousin lives in another state now. My only positive is that I know he is very sick and maybe he thinks about what he did on a daily basis. I don't know but I'm glad he's sick.

 

[Hashi]

My only positive is that I know he is very sick and maybe he thinks about what he did on a daily basis.

I hope he does.

My personal beliefs - which I fully understand might not be yours - are that there is no "getting off the hook" here, in this life or beyond it. If he thinks he got away with it, in any sense... big rethink coming his way. I imagine that, being sick, he is going to face this sooner rather than later and - if so - I hope it's sooner. For his sake as much as anyone else's. Having that in your history to reconcile - I could almost feel sorry for them. Almost.

I exist with extreme autonomy and independence, and owe that evil crazy lady nothing. She doesn't deserve my time, my attention, or even my thoughts. I do hope she has a decent life, but like I said, I wouldn't be very sad if she died.

Me too. Thanks for expressing this so well.