Need Escape!!

[Tiger]

I need to somehow get out of this disgusting, frightening, dirty body!! If only for an hour? Just want to close my eyes and float away!! It's worse than being imprisoned, inside here! I saw my reflection in a window this afternoon and I was so ashamed of what I saw! You know when someone is wearing one of those costumes, like a bear or some other character that they can take off at the end of the day? Well, I feel like I can't take this one off, ever! Once or twice I have felt like I'm just a pair of eyes floating in mid air, I like this feeling! Unfortunately, I'm not in control of this! It is an automatic thing that kicks in when it wants to!! I could really do with it right now!!

Every time I see this body in a reflection, it reminds me!! And I can't cope with the memories! !

 

[xena21]

Every time I see this body in a reflection, it reminds me!! And I can't cope with the memories! !

I think I understand but I need more information. Do you refer back to your abuse? Do you look at your body and find it disgusting because of being abused? Or is it another reason?

 

[littlelostchild]

Tiger, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. The memories can be a challenge to process. During the past two weeks I have been working through some memories that have me wanting to mutilate a part of my body. I know it is hard. I have found distraction to be a temporary solution. Ultimately, working through the memory and assigning responsibility where it belongs - with my abusers - has helped me to feel better, but it is not easy.

Be well,
LLC

 

[Tiger]

I find this body repulsive partly because of the abuse, but mostly its due to the fact that I hate being female!! There's not alot I can do about it! It's not that I have an overpowering ambition to be male either!! I have always had issues with this and I understand that it's not possible not to be one or the other!! It's an ongoing struggle that I'm never going to win!! The abuse triggered lots of issues for me to do with sexuality, gender and preferences! I have learnt that the best way to deal with these problems, I try not to have deep and meaningful relationships! Somedays I can't leave my home because of these emotions!! To be honest I don't know who or what I am? Primarily, I think my confusion was instigated by the abuse! It has sparked lots of issues I have to face in this life!! I don't know if the actual abuse was as bad as the impact its had on the whole of my existence!

 

[xena21]

Primarily, I think my confusion was instigated by the abuse! It has sparked lots of issues I have to face in this life!! I don't know if the actual abuse was as bad as the impact its had on the whole of my existence!

I get that! My body is repulsive to me as well. It would be as a male too. I hate all bodies. I don't like mirrors. I don't want to see anything related to a human body. I don't know if that is you.

I know that has to be related to the abuse in some way. Why would someone hate themselves so much? Why would someone never be able to have any sex? It has to be related to abuse. I always wanted to be normal, but my body gets in the way. I hate it. I am disgusted by it. Everything about it makes me want to vomit.

 

[Tiger]

I appreciate you talking to me about this because I find a very lonely way to feel!! I haven't spoken to many others about this because its so difficult to accept myself, let alone how others might! Reactions from other people worry and intimidate me!!
Thank you! please take it steady!

 

[Friday]

Okay....so TECHNICALLY...I'm anorexic. Female athlete triad blah blah blah.

I don't say that, though.

I say I have an eye-disorder. Because I can't see myself the way I am. I look the same if I'm 100lbs underweight or 100lbs overweight. (I'm tall. If you're short, cut that in half).

I'm hypersensory. I can FEEL every inch of my skin touching itself* and it drives me insane. I feel totally gross. All day, and all night, UNLESS I'm usin my body for something fun.

What I have learned to do is to ignore my eyes, and ignore the way I feel myself. Love the past tense, there. I have to keep re-learning that, because I get in a bad place and forget. But anyhow... I go by clothing size numbers, and what I can DO wih my body. It's not a perfect fix. Whenever I'm injured I spiral pretty badly, and whenever I have to shop in normal stores (I have to buy clothes 4 sizes bigger if they're not sized for tall women. Or I have a 6" gap between my shirt and pants. And all pants are capris.). HATE that. Ugh.

So those are my non-med tricks I've learned over the years.

* I didn't learn them until I started taking meds.

I had to be able to step away from myself in order to learn to be 'comfortable in my own skin'. Straterra (which is used off label for anorexia) in low doses was this keeee-razy eye opener. OMG. I don't hate my body! What is wrong with me??? (Yep. You know you're sick when feeling good feels wrong). Antidepressants did the same thing.

Going off meds, I wasn't willing to lose that freedom to feel okay in my own skin... So I started working out a different perspective. I tried a lot of different things, and the 3 that worked for me (giving it a joke name, looking at my body as a tool, and going. By clothing numbers) won't work for everyone. I think I tried 50 or 60 different things to reshape the way I thought about my body.

Point being: Hope.

 

[littlelostchild]

Tiger and xena21, only my husband and psychiatrist know that I want to mutilate my breasts. It was brutal telling them last week during session. We had been discussing some of the abuse the week before and that became the resulting urge and doing a thought record has helped, but not entirely removed the thinking. Hating myself and my body are common for me, even as a child.

The damage that our abuse does to us can feel overwhelming, but we can continue to work on it and overcome, otherwise those damn abusers take it all from us! They took our innocence, our childhoods, but we can't let them take our futures. Like Fridayjones said, we have to have hope.

I got a tattoo on my shoulder 4 months ago to remind me every day that I fight to recover. Maybe there is a symbol that you can use to help you in your fight to regain your body. I struggle every day, but I am not giving up! If I give up, they win.

Know that you are not alone.
LLC

 

[Tiger]

Thanks guys!! Im struggling to have any words today, but thankyou!! sorry! ! :blackeye:

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Tiger
You're not alone. I particularly identify with what you said about the effects of the abuse are worse than the abuse.

I'm trying not to think about being abused. But I want to help you too. There are many ways we developed to survive our abuse. Hating who we are is way at the top of the list. I hated my body when I was a speed freak in high school, a macrobiotic as a young adult, a pregnant woman, and now an overweight woman on so many psych meds my body is screaming "help me".

All those different "me's" I created so I didn't have to be her-that little girl. I have hated her too. See how warped I am? I know lots of people that can feel their insides but I'm numb. Well, actually I am starting to awaken.

My T asked me to try energy therapies to reconnect my mind and body. So I said I would. I take a yin yoga class and get Reiki treatments. It's going good.

I have no mirrors except the medicine cabinet. I don't even look at myself blow drying my hair. I constantly want to rip my skin off my skeleton. I cut and I burn myself with these corn bags that I heat up in the microwave. I don't feel being cut I don't feel the heat on my legs.

I am different though since I started yin yoga and Reiki. I decided that once the snow melted I would wear dresses and sandals until next winter. I had to buy them. And I enjoyed that. I am funky and I am getting compliments. Never in my life have I been complimented on my look. I like it!! I want to heal. I just never had a clue how to go about it.

Do you have a therapist that knows how to treat trauma? I didn't get help until I was 45. I spent a long time ignoring myself. Drugs booze you name it I tried it. Now I'm on the hopeful train and I like it! I don't know if I helped you, but the sooner you get help, the better.

 

[EternallyChildish]

Ugh, I know this feeling too well. :\ Have to constantly remind myself not to look at reflective surfaces. Have to spend the better part of an hour looking at my stupid face in a mirror, applying makeup before work. It's very tiresome. What I wouldn't give to be one of those girls that's comfortable in their own skin, that can leave the house in sweats and a ponytail.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Ahhhh but I bet you look lovely at work