What Do You Do When Your Therapist Can't Understand Your Trauma?

[Me232]

I have a "worst thing" as well. It's something that I am/was ashamed and horrified by. My T is very sympathetic about "it" but was not horrified like I was about it. As time has gone on it became an obsession and I started to realize that I put all my fear/shame/horror/disgust, and whatever else I felt about the rape into this one teeny tiny aspect of the "Event". I guess what I am saying is maybe your "thing" has more of the bad feelings attached to "it" than the actual trauma. But this is just my story and yours could be totally different!! It's just that your post struck a chord of similarity to how I felt.

 

[risingsun]

And thinking this turns into the feeling that I'm alone again; he can't help me.

I recently had the same issue. I thought my therapist was 100% on my side about things. Later when I would bring up new traumas not discussed before, we would talk about it and then when i brought them up in another session, she would say things like, "I thought you had let that go." It was if it was a trite thing I was bringing up to her never to be readdressed again? Then little comments such as, "well, that's life" began to infiltrate our sessions.

Suddenly, I realized that she really didn't have empathy for me at all. In a nutshell, after twice a week for a year, she basically said that my issues were beyond what her office could offer. It was out of the blue and a big blow to me but now I'm thinking maybe it was a blessing in disguise.

In the end, though, I realized that even before the therapy ended, I was constantly fixating on whether she cared about me, whether she understood me, etc. It was interferring with the whole therapy process. If she was understanding and supportive of me, I feel like I would have truly felt it and not looked up 'signs of a good therapist' or 'signs of a bad therapist' consistently on the internet. I was doing this before the therapy ended by her hand. So I already knew that we were not connecting I guess.

I'm not saying your experience means that this is not the therapist for you or that he hasn't helped you. It stirred things up in me regarding 'therapist empathy and understanding.'
Therapists shouldn't minimize. And if it starts to infiltrate your thinking alot, I would re-evaluate whether or not he is helping you or definately bring it up in therapy and see how he responds.

As painful as it is, sometimes our gut or intuition tells us something and we somehow cannot let it go. The question is "why?" For me, I asked myself, was I holding onto the status quo because I feared having to rehash my story to someone new, that I would never find someone as good, or that even breaking away from someone I was used to (good or bad) felt like a loss? Funny how that works? Well, at least that was the case for me.Anyway, I am definately not saying this therapist is not for you, but I do understand what it feels like to have traumas minimized and to suddently feel a loss in connection.

I do think bringing up what your therapist "says or conveys" that may bother you is part of the process. The relationship is the key to therapy. I have read that therapists are supposed to readdress the relationship periodically to ensure the patient is comfortable with the dynamic, the communication, etc. I do hope it works out for you. Maybe he will surprise you with his response. Maybe you misunderstood. If not, then maybe you have learned to trust your intuition and instincts and you now know what you need and will move on to find what you need. You will have learned to fight for what is right for you.

Even if you misunderstood but 'brought it up' and it was clarified, you will have learned to fight for what is right for you. Remember, you hire the therapist. They are supposed to be working for you. Best Wishes. I can definately empathize. Warmest, Rising Sun.

 

[scout86]

Another thought. Maybe he doesn't exactly "get it" the way you'd like him to now, but that doesn't mean he won't. I had an experience yesterday where my T told me something, for maybe the 10th time. It's something I would have told you the day before that I "understood". Yesterday was an "Oh, THAT'S what you're talking about!" moment. It took awhile, but now I get it (I think). That happens sometimes and I'll bet it happens to therapists too.

I've had a bunch of moments when I thought my T was minimizing things, not taking things seriously, didn't get it, etc. So far, it looks like I've always been wrong and it was just me, putting my own spin on things because that's the way my brain works right now. I'm not very good at telling him when that happens and he's not a mind reader so he often doesn't know. (Something I need to work on!) It sounds like the 2 of you have a good relationship. I'd say hang in there and give it time. Sometimes we learn a lot by working through these kinds of issues. It can be messy, but it can also help. You sound incredibly brave and I wish you the best!

 

[ghotiff]

I think this is a great opportunity to find your voice and express your hurt to your T (that you obviously trust). Being able to safely express my hurt at my T and having her respect that hurt was a huge thing for me. Of course I was respectful, but I was very clear that she hurt me through her response and I explained why. She understands my needs better as a result of this process.

Just a thought. Maybe your T didn't show their horror at what happened in an effort to be there for you, rather than let themselves get lost in their own feelings towards what happened? It must be difficult for a T to know how much they should show of their own internal reaction. Maybe your T misjudged this, this time. Maybe they felt it but didn't show it?

 

[Justmehere]

First of all, I don't want you to overlook something: You had great courage and did very good work in sharing with him about this trauma. That's HUGE! You are taking steps to heal in huge ways and it will help in the long run. I know the outcome right now is painful and hard, and not quite what you need, but I don't want you to completely lose sight of what a huge step you took towards healing by beginning to talk about this with him.

Does it even matter? I can't stop thinking that he does not understand the horror of it, and therefore cannot support me through what will be a very challenging piece of processing. And thinking this turns into the feeling that I'm alone again; he can't help me.

Yes, this matters very deeply. How you feel about him and working through it is very important. Your feelings may be transferred or projected feelings, and if they are, that doesn't make them any less valid - it often actually makes it all the more important to work through. So that you can learn, on every level, that this time is different. He's not perfect, and he is probably missing the boat here on the validation you need in a big way, but talking to him about this and working through it and experiencing him continually being there will very likely help in healing from the past when you really were alone. He may not understand now, but you are not alone this time. He's there and it sounds like he is trying. Still, I can understand why you feel so alone. Don't give up hope!

Misattunements happen sometimes in therapy. they can actually end up becoming deeply healing events, something called "corrective emotional experiences" - if we share with the therapist how we are feeling about the relationship and how the therapist is responding to us. I have done this a couple of times, and it is SO HARD to do, and it has lead to some of the deepest healing to work through it.

Part of the healing in therapy is working through stuff that comes up in the relationship as the work in therapy progresses. It actually can be a really huge part of healing. I wonder what is holding you back from telling him how you are feeling now and what you need and want from him? What ever is holding you back might be important to look at in and of itself.

I guess I'm asking, do they need to understand in order to help? It's a little like I think he sees a broken bone where I see a shattered bone; the treatment is the same - mend the arm - but one is less salvageable than the other. Or something. That's a terrible analogy.

Being understood, on the deepest levels, is a normal and common thing to want, and especially when working through such vulnerable and painful stuff about trauma.

It is still very very possible to keep healing even if he never really does fully get it.

That being said, I really hope you share with him just how you are feeling here. I also think you should be proud of the steps you have already taken to talk about it and keep facing it, even when it's been so painful and you have felt so horribly alone in it.

 

[joeylittle]

I am so grateful for the responses in this thread. Thank you all for giving me some validation in this; both in that I told him and in that it's something you all seem to understand.

@Mystery , thank you for your support. And this statement:

You don't always have to be the one keeping the peace any more with him.

Is such an important thing for me to remember. I often do this, in life and therapy.

• In defense of you, with your therapist-who is stuck, you might consider, non-defensively saying, "I'm feeling alone, since I spoke of the worst part of my trauma. Can you help me?" If he doesn't respond in the way you want, he may be stuck, indefinitely, himself. (This doesn't serve you.) Wait for him to respond. Don't fill the silence.

@change , this is really great advice. It's always a good reminder, too, that telling the simple truth about where you are at is the key to a solid therapeutic relationship.

...however much I wish he could my T can never really understand totally because he hasn't had that experience or anything like it , doesn't mean he can't help me but he will never 'get it' as much as someone who has been through it .

@Jane.l , this gives me a great deal of hope. I would never wish my experience on anyone, and it's reassuring to remember that as much as I struggle with him not totally understanding, I'm actually glad (on a human level) that he doesn't understand. It's why I'm with a male therapist, actually. I'd never be ok talking about my trauma in front of a woman - I'd be too afraid she would have the capacity to identify too much, on a purely physical level.

There's a difference between the therapist themselves accepting/seeing it as the worst thing, and the therapist accepting that you see it as the worst thing. If that makes sense. I'm not sure which you feel might be the case here - is your therapist actually trying to change your viewpoint on this?...It's possible that this is a misunderstanding, projection or misjudgement (on his part). Especially if he's always lived up to your trust before. Do you feel you could talk to him about what you've written here?

@Hashi, thank you for your clarity. Yes; I am afraid he is trying to change my viewpoint on it. It could be tied to the fact that some of my worst, most uncontrollable flashbacks and the specific memory of wanting to die is very linked to this experience. Some of my self harm is part of it too. I know that the primary drive for him is to get relief for me from my more extreme symptoms: maybe he thinks diminishing it will help. Yes, I'm starting to feel like I can talk to him about this. Because he has indeed always been a safe and trustworthy place. There were times earlier in the relationship where he did or said something that made me incredibly upset, and I was always able to bring it up next session. I probably should have done that instead of trying to explain it more....but it's not like there's some statute of limitations on honesty. And thank you for sharing what you wrote about horror. I actually think that might be the aspect of this he can't grasp.

@Junebug, he is totally trustworthy. I think I'm letting this event cloud my perception. Right after I told him, it took some work for me to be able to look at him. At one point he said, "all you are going to see when you look at me is compassion and support, no judgement". And of course, that was true. He's a good person and a talented practitioner. Really, I feel more lucky than not to have him.

@risingsun , thank you for your story. I actually used to look up signs of a good/bad therapist too! And was once overly concerned with whether he "liked" working with me. I'm glad you got out of your flawed therapy situation. And oddly, your story gives me hope that he and I can work through this.

@scout86 , yes, that whole mind reading thing. Oh, how sometimes I wish he was a mind reader. I can over-spin and misinterpret him pretty easily when I'm worked up about something. I totally identify with what you're saying.

Just a thought. Maybe your T didn't show their horror at what happened in an effort to be there for you, rather than let themselves get lost in their own feelings towards what happened? It must be difficult for a T to know how much they should show of their own internal reaction. Maybe your T misjudged this, this time. Maybe they felt it but didn't show it?

You know, @ghotiff , I think you could be right. Once when I told him I wished he could care about me in a way that would let me see how he felt, he said that it was his job to be a safe container for anything I need to say, and I'd likely start to worry about his feelings too much if he showed too many of them. But I think, now that he knows nearly everything, I might need to tell him that I don't always need a safe container. Sometimes I just need to know my pain is recognized. This is more complicated for me because I don't have any human-being support systems in my life. I know he's not my friend, but sometimes I wish he would briefly assume the role of "friend"; I feel capable of not getting confused about that and I should tell him.

@Justmehere , thank you for your kindness and especially thank you for reminding me that he's not perfect. I actually think it's very easy for me to forget that he isn't the absolute last word in how I should respond to my trauma. I trust him so much, and he's so good, that it's easy for me to expect him to be right all the time. Nobody has that batting average; we all slip up.

I can tell it's going to be hard for me to talk with him about this. It feels like the last thing I would ever want to do. But I also feel like it's important enough, and that it is going to be very unhealthy for me to just absorb this and not bring it up in session.

Healing is hard.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @joeylittle , if he said that that means so much! I don't think you need to worry. Perhaps who knows, that he does feel it was horrific. Sometimes if I see or hear people show emotion about something I know I am actually positively surprised or relieved that it's ok for me to view it that way, with ourselves we minimize, I think? Maybe he isn't trying to change your mind, just see it from a different perspective. Because I dare say we have to think or see things differently about 'stuff' to have our own different perspective or think in a new (different) way about it or ourselves.

Does that make sense?

:hug: 's.

 

[joeylittle]

@Junebug , that makes sense.

One of the places he and I hit a wall is regarding the differences between being a child and being an adult. I was 13 when my trauma happened , and while I can agree that I was not an adult, I also know what kind of child I was. I raised myself without much interaction from my parents, and this gave me a skewed sense of being "adult"; however, I can't deal with reclaiming or understanding a childhood I never had AND processing these events at the same time. I should tell him that.

When we argue about child vs adult, he seems to think it will give me some peace to accept that I was a child. I get nothing from this idea, and disagree even with the notion that anything would have been different had I been older. I don't know why it's bothering me so much.

Something happened last night that will make this harder. He's on-call for me 24-7. If I start slipping into a bad dissociation or panicking or I can't control my body on my own, I can call. I rarely need to but it is a much more specific and productive way to get help than just calling the crisis line.

I called last night. Every once in awhile, the page will not go through or it will not wake him. We have good clarity around this: I call back if he's not returned my call in 10 minutes, and then if I don't have a callback 10 minutes later, I call repeatedly. So, we had to do the repeat calling, and my state by then had morphed into begging him to get back to me, which was a mixed- up state blending together with begging in my intrusive memory. He did get back and we worked it down, but I now do not want to beg anyone for anything.

I'm magnifying this in my mind, it's just another reason to not talk to him.

I'm suspecting part of what's happening to me is I am looking for a way to quit.

I'm glad we have session Monday.

 

[GWhizz]

I recently got to a certain point where I told my T some really huge and significant things. It was a total anticlimax for me though. Not that her reaction wasn't good enough or anything, more so that I had disclosed something so big that, like you, I had promised myself I'd never disclose to anyone. I felt like I'd let myself down for some reason. I also felt so much worse when I'd naively assumed telling her could magically wipe it away. But it didn't, it just made it more real having someone outside of the trauma knowledgeable about it.

I also get annoyed that she won't see why I feel so guilty about it. Something similar to what @Hashi pointed out - she doesn't have to say I'm culpable, I just want her to validate why I feel culpable, irrespective of whether this is true or not.

But then I have to look at myself and why I'm so sensitive about these things. The reality is that I have been failed by almost every professional in my life before her. Now I have someone who's actually quite spot on 99% of the time, but when she's not 100% reacting with what I feel I need, I'm ready to bolt due to past fears of being so let down etc. I'm not saying you're like this. Just that sometimes we expect our T's to be superhuman and be able to meet our needs exactly as we expect them to. Yet I have to acknowledge that even they have flaws and cannot always respond exactly as we may like. The main thing is that you can discuss this with your T as it is vital for your continued progress. And it is vital that your T can understand why it is so important and significant for you and that they validate that, whether or not they feel other traumas you've encountered could be considered 'worse' or not.

I hope this helps you figure out what you need to bring up with your T at your meeting Monday.

Good luck and hugs :)

Let us know how it goes

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh @joeylittle I so get it, same here. I was 14 & no matter what is said I felt as I should have been a totally responsible adult- that I 'was'. I too had been since at least 5, awfully self-sufficient. I never thought I'd ever tell anyone anything, take everything to the grave. I thought I was responsible for not preventing a family member's moment of death, too. That reminds me, I was told I did nothing wrong too. Oddly I wonder if that's part of why 'legalized euthenasia' for myself might have felt like an option? 'Just desserts' , at one level. Well that & something I heard- 'weariness coping long-term' (with ptsd).

But you know what? I think it's actually 'right' we weren't adults. I saw 'kids' that age & they were talking about basketball & such. We might have had & even chose to take on adult issues but we had the mind, life experience, body, understanding etc that was not an adult. It's hard to forgive ourselves, though, I know. But we didn't have an adult's resources or power or choices. Let alone when I think of the stuff from a small child on. To this day I can't believe they are so physically 'little', & I know I was very small.

What helps me also is that I know those things would be hard if not impossible for adults to know what to do.

You sound like you are doing so fantastic, you have such insight. I too hate to 'ask' anything. I just a day or 2 asked if I was totally drowning if I could ask for help or say so. But despite that you've done so & are persevering & making great progress. :tup: I too would feel like it's best to 'disappear' when I feel burdensome. But yes it's a way to run away too. I'm working on all of it. I have to not let my mind take me off an anxiety-filled-fear-response.

I hope everything goes good monday. :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

I guess the question for me becomes not that perhaps the other person is wrong, or doesn't understand, but on faith trust that they are right. If they are right, then I'm able to lay that burden down so to speak & carry on. Because I wasn't expecting I was wrong. So it takes some real heart-&-brain-reprogramming for it to sink in as "this is true, really so".

 

[joeylittle]

I recently got to a certain point where I told my T some really huge and significant things. It was a total anticlimax for me though. Not that her reaction wasn't good enough or anything, more so that I had disclosed something so big that, like you, I had promised myself I'd never disclose to anyone. I felt like I'd let myself down for some reason.

I really identify with that feeling of letting myself down. I think it's a big deal to break a promise to yourself, even if it wasn't a healthy or helpful one. If you promised yourself you'd never tell, and then you do, it's really easy to be left with this backwards feeling of having let yourself down. I have very disordered eating habits, and it's like when I promise myself I will fast today and then end up eating 200 calories and log that as failure.

Oh, the mind is a fascinating place.

I'm working on an email to him. When I have too much stress around talking, I write it down. And sometimes I just write it down to practice.

@Junebug, I'm glad you can see that you did not have all the power and agency at 14 that an adult would have. I wish I could get there. At 13 I was just about my current height, well into puberty, traveled on my own, had no rules enforced on me, and managed my own money for what I needed. I had zero life experience, really, but seemingly endless agency. I'm not sure what would have been different had I been 18 or 21, except that I may have had the chance to encounter males in an intimate/sexual context safely.

I don't understand why I'm so determined to dismiss the idea that I was a child. I'm irrationally determined to prove either I was an adult OR that in my case it is irrelevant. Why?