Sharing Details

[ellienad]

Over the past few months I've managed to share some pretty descriptive details about my trauma with my T. I feel very safe with her and have developed a great deal of trust as well. But even though she's been great throughout the whole process, and we've been able to work through some of the "gory details", I will still have moments where I think back to what I shared and I'll just want to crawl in a hole and hide. I think "Ughh, I can't believe she knows that..."

Anyone else? :bag::(

 

[GWhizz]

Yes! A part of me believes that it somehow changes her opinion of me. I know she's not judgmental or anything but I still feel so so embarrassed and disgusted at it all, and having her know makes it all the more real. Though deep down I know it wasn't healthy carrying it all alone. It's really hard though as there's so much related shame, guilt etc. My T assured me that nothing I ever tell her will change her view of the core of me. Honestly, I think your T will only have a stronger connection and respect for you after sharing all of this. I totally relate though, I cringe at the thoughts of what my T now knows and she doesn't even know the half of it yet.

Just wanted to say well done on getting this far. And I hope you can be gentle and kind to yourself as well as proud

 

[mrsps]

OMG yes! I cant believe some of the things I have told my T and she never blinks an eyelid over it. Im sure all T's have heard it all before, not that it makes it less embarrassing for us!

 

[Chava]

Just YES, and I don't know if it was helpful yet because of my own back-sliding shame...wasn't ready for that. Glad others can relate.

 

[digger]

Anyone else? :bag::(

Yep. In fact I very recently spoke with my T about this. Sometimes just knowing that she knows some of the stuff sends me into a complete panic spiral. I tend to have a pattern as well of whenever I have disclosed something new to her, I kind of withdraw again in the next couple of sessions. Pull right back. Almost like recoil or shock.
Talking to her about how I feel about her knowing stuff has helped a little with it.

 

[GWhizz]

I agree with @digger - talking to your T about this may help and it can also give you insight into her feelings on your disclosure, which I am sure will include compassion for you. It's hard because you feel vulnerable and exposed again having her know this stuff.

By the way, slightly of topic, but how do you do the brown paperbag over the smiley face?! So fitting with how I feel sometimes! In fact, whenever we broach deep trauma topics I pull my scarf over my face! I literally always wear a light scarf to therapy no matter the weather because I feel so much safer hiding in it - I know it's probably not super healthy to do this but it makes me feel safer and helps me calm down and gather myself without feeling so self conscious and awkward sometimes

 

[Chava]

Like the ideas of just bringing it up, if it seems okay. As childish as it sounds in my adult brain, I told my therapist I was really afraid she'd be mad at me or give up on me after sharing yucky stuff. She was really great and reaffirming...(sure my sort of fear was nothing new). It was hard anyway because I usually never even talk to therapists, and part of me that stll needs to heal still kind of wants to crawl into a little hole or erase all this sh*t sometimes (or avoid having erased sh*t return). But I want to bring the scary stuff out in little bits...then go back to my hole just to rest a bit...

 

[RussH]

I do agree that sharing some of the details of our trauma can be uncomfortable. However I think that unconfortableness comes from us wanting to take blame for our trauma. As long as we own the fault of out trauma, instead of placeing it where it belongs; on the abuser, we will cringe at the thought of others knowing what happened.

However when we realize that we were the victim, and as the victim do not own any of the guilt, then we do not need any of the shame associated with the trauma.

 

[Mystery]

Yes, I feel that almost every time. Especially when I tell her something that someone did to me that I 'put up with', I feel as if only an idiot would do that and that she must think I am one. I feel like that when I tell her the bad things I've thought or done in my life or when I feel like a weakling for being this disabled. I feel horrible afterwards, then the next time I see her, she has the same beautiful smile that says she is glad to see me. She is the Mother I've never known.

 

[anonymous]

I think that's part of it @RussH , but, for me anyway, there are more layers to it than that - it's not just uncomfortable. There are insecurities around trust that come into play, issues with denial and the sharing of information making it 'too real' for me to cope with, as well the shame issues you mentioned. There is also an underlying, 'shouldn't be talking' element to it for me.... possibly more too, still working my way through it...

 

[digger]

^^^ sorry, that was me, didn't intentionally click anonymous!!

 

[Justmehere]

I feel like this often! I've started telling my T, and it helps. She reassures me that she doesn't think of me any differently and we talk through it a bit. It helps.