Quiting Therapy

[Justmehere]

I am so stirred up and triggered by something that I came across yesterday. (I posted a thread about it, but it's kind of another matter.)

All night, I keep having stuff from being a kid come up. I called a crisis line. I told them I'm shaking, crying, and in a panic for several hours, having flashbacks and throwing up (not on purpose) and very intense urges to self harm. I'm not sure what to do. I have tried everything I know to do, and I am still spinning out of control. So I called the crisis line and told them. They told me they can't help until I "calm down now." "If you are not going to calm down, then there is no way I can help you." I said, "what? How do I do that? That's what I called about." They said, "the only way to stop your panic is by calming down. You need to do that now." That was their sum total suggestion of what to do. I broke down crying and they said to call when I could stop crying. Which makes sense - except I was already trying to do that with everything I have.

I self injured after they hung up, in some weird state of needing to punish me for needing helping and I feeling of needing to be calmer at all costs. I'm really upset I did this. I was calmer afterwards and called them back and said I was calmer, but I just self injured for the first time in a long time and I need help, and they said I was not using the line appropriately, and I quickly began to cry and they started saying I needed to try harder to be calm. I could not be trying any harder. I hung up.

All I can think is that asking for help means getting punished. I feel really bad now asking for help from the crisis line.

I texted my therapist and quit therapy. I feel like I am suffocating in some weird trauma based fear. I don't think I should have quit.

My self inflicted injury is bad and I'm beginning to think I'm going to have to see a doctor for it. Which means asking for help.

None of this is normal for me. I feel like I'm sabatoging my recovery and my life. I keep hearing my fathers real at me, "stop crying you little (blank)" and the pain of being hit and throw into the wall. I feel like that little kid right now. I need the adult me to come back. I need to stop spinning out.

All I keep thinking is that I'm so bad so bad. I sound crazy.

Any advice or suggestions are very welcome.

 

[Justmehere]

Trying to un-quit therapy now.

 

[digger]

Trying to un-quit therapy now.

I'm sure he/she will understand.

 

[GWhizz]

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I went through something very similar a few weeks back.

Do you feel safe now? What do you think you need to feel safer and more stable?

I am sorry that helpline were not more supportive. My partner used to work for a child helpline and he quit because he felt like they did nothing to help or support kids who really needed it.

Can you call your T now? Also, are you physically okay after hurting yourself?

:hug:

 

[Chava]

Good job on un-quitting therapy...the quitting might come from the same place as self-injury (or that's how it feels for me...they aren't always related, but come from the same place). You're a good person, wise for asking for help (some people just suck at helping the right way when we're in crisis, that's all...sorry about your hotline experience). It sounds like a very wise move on your part to acknowledge you've been in a scary place and commit to moving out again, or staying safe, by going back to your therapist. And yes, to see the doctor if you are worried about your injury. Take care of yourself today. Big hug...

 

[Sarah2732]

I'm so sorry you are having a difficult time. Maybe this can be an indicator to you and your T that it might be time to back off trauma processing and work on feeling safe, developing a strategy for next time you feel like that, and brainstorming ways to ask for help that you feel confident are safe and will be helpful. I know for me processing trauma made my triggers bigger and badder for awhile, and I'm so sorry you may be experiencing something similar.

My T helped me learn to delay and avoid self injuring. Like, make an agreement with myself that I would watch a movie for 20 minutes before I did anything. Then at the end of those 20 minutes convince myself to fold a load of laundry before I did anything. Then, to eat dinner before I did anything. Etc. Sometimes I was able to make it to bed, or just long enough for meds to kick in, and it worked. Maybe that could help next time for you?

Another idea: do you have a spot in your house where that little part of you feels safe? Maybe you could create a little spot for her in a closet or behind a piece of furniture where you could place some blankets and stuffed animals and maybe a coloring book. Maybe when you feel like that you could go to that hiding place and tell her she's safe there.

 

[scout86]

Just hoping "unquitting" went well and you're ok.

 

[Seasounds]

• I agree with you, that being told to 'calm down' can not be productive; calming down is a series of steps that someone may need to be guided through. I'm sorry that the crisis life didn't have some this skilled.
• To be clear, you called the right line, and THEY didn't know how to help you.
• Sometimes, when I am not calm, I can use my relaxation tools; other times they don't touch my condition, and I need to uses meds. Do you have this option?
• With your injury, I hope you find someone, who is compassionate, to help you. It is a kind action towards yourself to seek attention, for it, if you need it.
• It is terrific that you reached out to 'un-quit' therapy.
• Dealing with negative and intrusive thoughts can be challenging. It is possible to learn how to deal with them in particular ways, so that they don't dominate you thinking, and so that they don't determine/cause self-harm. Patience, and a patient trauma therapist, helped me slowly learn each step involved, I hope you can get such help.
• You did a great job, in tough circumstances.
• The idea to make a plan for the future situations is a good one.

Take care.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Oh, @Justmehere I can relate to everything you wrote of. It is truly a harrowing place to be with the acid flowing through the body, the anxiety, the failure of the helping system, the feeling punished when asking for help (big time on that one) and the inevitable compulsion to SI to make the world STOP.

I've just read a lot of great advice that I'm going to jot down in my affirmation journal-my go to book of life affirming statements. I'm glad you unquit therapy and I'm sure your therapist will understand the trail you were on and not getting a hand to hold.

I've posted emergency posts here because it's worldwide someone's always online. That's so cool! I have had lousy conversations on helplines and now I only call the sexual abuse hotline. They totally get me and always talk me off the ledge.

I have struggled with SI since I was very young. It may manifest as not eating or cutting or burning or simply not showering doesn't matter the manifestation, it's the underlying intolerable anxiety and fear that I can't get rid of. To me, I had a soul death from being raised in a totalitarian alcohol driven abuse mental physical sexual battering. This is what that creates. This is why children are removed from homes. We have the work of the world to accomplish and this site is a testament to the resilient spirit of the wounded to help each other.

The sun never says to the Earth, "you owe me". Look at what happens with a love like that. It lights up the sky. Sufi poet Hafiz

Sending loving thoughts your way and I hope today will be a better one for you.

 

[shimmerz]

Seriously, for all the times that help lines did not help me but just made matters worse. Morons at times I swear. This so struck me:

weird state of needing to punish me for needing helping and I feeling of needing to be calmer at all costs.

I honestly don't feel that this is weird at all. There is nothing so horrifying as knowing that you MUST be calm while some scary piece of crap called your parent is ranting and screaming and smashing you around like a rag doll and your only job is to 'stay calm'. REALLY? It sounds to me like somewhere along the way you learned this feeling very well. I am so very sorry for that.

I learned through a crisis line that knew my history to understand what my 'safe place' was and what soothed me BEFORE I was in that dark dark place. Of course after hours of feeling this way you are going to be so far removed from 'this moments' reality that you can't grasp it for love nor money. I had a list of things that made me 'safe'.
1. My car was the first thing on the list. I wouldn't drive but I would sit in it (as houses exacerbate my unsafe feelings).
2. I would text certain people who understood me and if they were able they would call me as I sat in my car. They would help to ground me.
3. I have a blanket that makes me feel soothed. It is the softest and most loving gift I have ever gotten.
4. Embarrassed, but I have a Teddy Bear. Yep, I am 52 and needed my Teddy Bear. I kept it with me where ever I went.
5. I pictured that feeling of losing control as being pulled into a dark hole. I was told by my shaman once when I felt the need to jump down that hole to NEVER go down there. To picture the feeling in the hole and attempt to pull the feeling out towards the light and my body.

There are more, but the these are the things that come to mind for this situation. I so hope you are feeling better right now.

Hugs,
Shimmerz

 

[Justmehere]

I've read what everyone is saying. I'm having a hard time thinking and writing but it has been so helpful to read everyone's advice and encouragement.

I texted my therapist to say I want to un-quit and that I'm not feeling so safe. She called and was not at all phased by me quitting and unquiting. We came up with some things to do for the text two hours until she can do a phone session. I told her I didn't want to take up her time and she said to not worry about her. She said if I don't do the phone session she wants me in the ER. It wasn't like an ultimatum but like giving me options so I'm gonna do the phone session.

 

[shimmerz]

She sounds like a great therapist @Justmehere. You have done a terrific job under very difficult circumstances. Proud of you!