Who Am I?

[RussH]

You would think that a person who has reached age 58, in a few weeks, would know who they are, but I find myself asking this question. Who am I?

The reason for the question is, since I have learned my abuse has so affected me for literally all my life, and I have been influenced, sometimes strongly, by the effects of my abuse, I find that I am not sure who I am.

My abusers taught me that I was nothing, irrelevant, insignificant, in fact I was garbage. They taught me that I was worthy only of being mistreated, something others could abuse for their own enjoyment. I have trouble developing deep friendships because: 1. I don't trust easy, and 2. I have trouble accepting that people might like me for being me.

Since I have learned of my PTSD and my other long-term effects I have been trying to understand me. I am trying to unlearn what my abusers taught me, and I am trying to find something in me that gives me value, that gives me worth. Because I have lived with these self-hatred, or at least self-dislike feelings all my life, I just don't know who I am. I don't know, for sure, if people like me, and if they do why? What is there about me that they like? and how did I screw up so somebody would actually like me?

I guess I am not sure how to begin this journey of learning who I am. I can't just walk up to myself, and introduce myself, and if I could, would I like me? I just don't know.

So, some of you that have traveled this road of self discovery, any suggestions?

 

[littlelostchild]

Hi Russ,

I also struggle with developing deep friendships and having feelings of self-hatred.

My therapist had me list my positive qualities - my husband needed to help me do this, but it was a good exercise. Provide an example along with each positive characteristic. This may be a way to start.

I look forward to reading what others write.

 

[Mystery]

Hi RussH, I have to leave for my first day at school shortly so I can't write a full response right now. It's such a valid question you ask that I'd like to give you my thoughts on later when I'm home. I can't say I know exactly who I am either but I do have some ideas that I will post later when I'm home.

It really helped me to have a basic understanding of developmental psychology when I asked that question. The whole lifespan, everyone asks that question. It has more complicated answers when one has sustained traumatic injury to the personality and ego formation. Erikson's theory of lifespan development is a good and simple one to grasp and the developmental tasks that each stage of our lives require before moving on to the next. There is a good summary of it on Wikipedia. At 58, according to Erikson we are ready to give back to the world, it's called Generativity v's Stagnation. Each life phase has a successful developmental task v's the result when this is not reached. Trauma disrupts our development from early on. The first phase is Hope v's Mistrust.

 

[RussH]

@littlelostchild I read a fictional book back in November. It is a christian fiction book called "Unspoken" by Dee Henderson. The male and female leads in the book are having a discussion early in their relatioship, and Bryce says to Charlotte " You are a good person." She responded " I do good things, but I am not a good person." You learn later that she is the victim of trauma and deals with issues steming from that trauma (This is the book that helped me realize that I am not alone in how I feel and think)

I bring up this book because I struggle with the same thoughts; just because I do good things, does not mean I am a good person. A part of me believes that I would not have been traumatized if I had been a good person, after all how could people treat someone the way I was treated if I were a good person? These are some of the things I struggle with, part of me sees me as being good, but how can I do some of the things I do, and be good? So I find myself asking again, who am I? It is frustrating.

I think if I can figure out who I am, then I can fix me.

 

[mrsps]

I too wonder who I am? I struggle with the person I am, I struggle to make friends because I think why would anyone like me. I have learnt from going to therapy that all the struggles I have in life and the person I am today is all from the abuse from when I was little. I always knew of these struggles but never linked it all back to the abuse! So one incident in my childhood has F###ed up every part of me and my life and it is such a long slow process to work through it all :(

 

[scout86]

I don't have any suggestions, I'm in a similar place.

@RussH , I'd like to tell you that there are things about you that don't need fixing. For a start, you show a lot of concern and compassion for the people you deal with here. You have good insights to share. I don't know a lot about you, but I wouldn't like to see you change those things.

I think, if you could "meet yourself" in a way that wasn't biased by your early experiences, you'd like you. You might try writing out a meeting with yourself. Invite yourself out for coffee and have a chat, maybe.

Something you should try to keep in mind is that those who abused you, who you learned those early lessons from, were wrong. There was a lot wrong with THEM, so there's a lot wrong with those lessons. There were other, better lessons to learn. The kind of lessons you'd like to see other kids learn.

My T has been talking a lot lately about families (not mine!) and how they interact and how you can learn things from families beyond your own, and how most kids do. I think he's right. There are all kinds of ways to learn the things you're "supposed" to learn as a kid. And learning them late is probably better than not learning them at all.

But I think you have to start by accepting that your abusers were wrong and nothing they taught you is of much value.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I have begun to question who I am as well. I thought I had been there, done that when I was in college. I was so sure I finally knew who I was. But it's all a journey. We're always working on who we want to be.

My therapist has tried to get me to state what I like about myself. I absolutely couldn't answer that question for a good long time. Finally, I said that I was compassionate. That's it. That's all I could come up with.

And it's not just about thinking about my good qualities, it's questioning what part of my personality is the "real" me and which parts came only because of the trauma. I didn't know about all of the trauma of my childhood until recently (am still learning about it all). And now I question me.

I think that you are compassionate and that you have thoughtful ideas to present to others. I don't know you well, but I can see that. You're supportive of others.

It's a journey and you just have to muddle through. Good luck sorting it all out!

 

[RussH]

I always knew of these struggles but never linked it all back to the abuse! So one incident in my childhood has F###ed up every part of me and my life and it is such a long slow process to work through it all

The good news is you know it now, and that impowers you to do something about it.[DOUBLEPOST=1405905748,1405905532][/DOUBLEPOST]

But I think you have to start by accepting that your abusers were wrong and nothing they taught you is of much value

@scout thank you for your words. This is something I know in my head, it is just getting my heart to learn it. This wounded little child inside of me has trouble understanding what the adult knows and understands. It is figuring out how to rescue the little child and help them understand and to grow up. I am working on it.

 

[scout86]

I had a online conversation a few months ago with a guy who wrote a book about PTSD. We were talking about "survivor's guilt" and how to deal with it. I told him that sometimes you need to hear the same thing over and over before it finally sinks in. I know that happens with me. So maybe it's smart, if you can, to try to surround yourself with people who get what's going on and who are willing to tell you the things you need to hear until finally, someday, even that little kid inside believes it applies to him or her, just like everyone else.

 

[RussH]

if you can, to try to surround yourself with people who get what's going on and who are willing to tell you the things you need to hear until finally, someday, even that little kid inside believes it applies to him or her, just like everyone else

This is good, and one of the reasons I posted this, is for this very reason. Unfortunately, where I live, I don't know anyone who has had the same, or similar experiences to me, so I don't know anyone who can understand and relate to how I am.

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I so appreciate people like you here on the forum that gets me, and undestands the garbage that goes around in my head.

 

[arfie]

I am less than a month from 60 and the only thing I am sure of is that when I grow up, :clown: I want to be a Cocker Spaniel.

I have lived with identity crisis most of my life. In recent years I have come to believe that self-identity is irrelevant. Who I am doesn't matter as much as what I do, how I do it and the attitude with which I do it. My son accuses me of treating life like one big field trip and it is a fair enough accusation. The attitude helps me find great discoveries everywhere I go.

There are several shrinks in my head calling that, "Delusions of Grandeur." :tdown: Could be...

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Unfortunately, where I live, I don't know anyone who has had the same, or similar experiences to me, so I don't know anyone who can understand and relate to how I am.

And that's where this wonderful forum comes into play. You don't have to live by the people who get you. People on here can keep telling you and supporting you and relating to experiences. I am sure I am not alone in this sentiment.