Partially Unconscious During Rape. So Confused!

[Springer80]

I know what you mean. You want to get on with your life. You hate the effect this has had on you. You want to rip it out of you so you can be in control again. The more you can't the more distressed you get.

The thing is, and I wish I had really understood this a lot sooner and perhaps if I had had compassionate emotional support and love I would have done. But you have to have compassion for yourself. You have to love those incredibly wounded emotions, you have to abide with them and nurse them and allow for the fact that you have been hurt and you are changed.

If there was any maxim I got out of this experience it's 'Compassion is SLOW'.

 

[purgemeofthepain]

Do you snore a lot? Because what you describe as happens when you snooze is Sleep Apnea, which is a serious medical condition in itself.

I used to snore a lot and I was obese so I did get tested and diagnosed with severe sleep apnea, but since then I've dropped 82lbs and I'm now closer to my ideal weight, so the apnea sort of went away for a while. This feeling of drowning and other strange sensations when I lay down to sleep, seem more of a product of other things (this thing where your body seems to "forget" to breathe might be cause by lack of sleep from my searches online) and a ton of anxiety I've been feeling lately. The bad breathing doesn't just happen at night tho, but that's when I feel it more, since there's no distractions.

I made a LOT of changes to my routine and life in a short span of time and that may have brought about some of these feelings. I used to sleep from 3am to 3pm every day for the past twelve or more eyars and now wake up at 5am, sleeping at 10 or 11pm. This change did happen almost naturally tho, but then I also started dieting strictly and exercising, losing weight like crazy. Went from 277 to the current 195.

I felt better than ever with these major changes so I dropped the dose in my medication too. I felt even better cause then my body started waking up and I started feeling it more and more and the Yoga made me respect it and have a better relationship with it, and then THAT'S when the crap hit the fan.

It seems that all this improvement, started coming with a price. The increased body awareness got me closer and closer to my old trauma memories and it started injecting a lot of fear. I am finally close to feeling the pain and healing from it all (not completely, cause I know that just doesn't happen) but I can't seem to be able to handle the whole mess of feelings and dysfunction that has been coming to the surface lately.

I am now in the process of considering to start thinking about pondering the possibility of maybe doing some CBT therapy (lol, that's how willing I am to do it right now. I'm deathly afraid of it all), in the hopes that it might give me some tools to handle things better and manage it all somehow.

Thanks for your responses!

 

[Springer80]

I felt even better cause then my body started waking up and I started feeling it more and more and the Yoga made me respect it and have a better relationship with it, and then THAT'S when the crap hit the fan. It seems that all this improvement, started coming with a price.

Oh that sounds familiar. It horribly ironic isn't it that you put all this work into getting better and you feel like you gotten short changed. It's tough. I know those circumstances. Not with weight loss but with education.

Yoga made me respect it

The increased body awareness got me closer

I am now in the process of considering to start thinking about pondering the possibility of maybe doing some CBT therapy

I think this is interesting. You have made the connection here between yoga, your body, and your trauma but then you mention CBT for ptsd therapy. A lot of people on here including myself were put through years of CBT based work and it didn't help with the ptsd itself, which is a neuro-physiological condition. Your not mad. You can't talk yourself out of a medical condition.

A lot of people on here found after years of searching that body based therapy is the way forward. Sensori-motor body psychotherapy, Trauma focused yoga, craniosacral therapy, specialist reiki, EMDR etc.

I'm not saying CBT hasn't helped me occasionally for specific things, talking through my family relationships for instance but these things are secondary to the root of the problem. Which always came back.

By the way congratulations on your weight loss and many congratulations on getting your sleep pattern back around. 12 years is a long time.