Therapy was very different today.
When I walked in the overhead lights were out and he was quick to ask if that was ok. He was trying to get rid of the harsh light in the room. It DID help some but then so did the fact that it was Friday afternoon and most everyone in the office block had decided to leave early.
My therapist felt really terrible that I got the impression that he was trying to get rid of me as a client. He reassured me that he actually enjoys working with me (?!) and is honored that I am trying to trust him enough to work through all of this with him.
He said that much of what was going on with me was cognitive bias and that I had taken things from past sessions and assembled them into an explanation that supported the belief that he is going to turn on me. It's true, I figure it is only a matter of time before he does.
He explained something that had not occurred to me. We've been trying very hard to 'normalize' for a while but he realized that I have been starting behind the 8 ball so to speak. I walk in to his office and get triggered. The office is small and in a office block with other professions. The walls are thin and translate the sound very easily so there is TONS of banging and clomping going on- even with a white noise generator in the room.
We had talked about making neuro pathways and he was becoming concerned that we were getting to a place where we were establishing a mindset of me being triggered just on the ride over to his office.. I no longer sit in the waiting room because I find it so difficult to sit there and listen to the person before me and all the other noises around me. He had suggested cutting back to one day a week because he was worried that just being in therapy was making me worse. He said he would would watch me get better over a few days, come in for a session, get triggered but hold it together and come back for the following session, get triggered and flashback. He finally saw the pattern: it was a constant roller coaster. He was concerned that I was going to finally quit or worse. My last session was kind of the last straw for him. He said that he watched me get more and more wound up during the session. What we were talking about was not something that SHOULD have caused a flashback. We were talking about my 'defense system' which he said was really complex. It had been a really noisy day and I was constantly jumping during the session and was on high alert. He said he can't remember anything that would have possibly triggered me in particular but felt it was a commulative effect of being in that room
We talked about the fact that he needs a base line. I admitted that I doubt that he has EVER seen me when I wasn't triggered.
So he talked with me about trying optional spaces. He can't move his practice just yet and is willing to look for another place where he could borrow office space for a while but in the meanwhile, he wanted to try another option with me. He had done some reading on nature therapy and we had jokingly talking about doing this because we are both outdoor types. He suggested that we try therapy on a local trail- with the understanding that this might be more triggering. He said to be fair, he understands that I don't trust him completely and so we will have to make sure to communicate how I am doing and feeling next week so that we don't trade one trigger for another.
So for the next month - assuming that everything works out, we will meet on a trail and walk and do therapy that way.
oh, and he admitted that he was worried that if he sent me the email that I would get triggered at home.
Whew.
I kinda want to cry but it's tears of relief.
