Relationship The More Time That Passes, The More I Feel Like A Fool

[Glara]

It seemed he might be getting a little better last week, a little more contact , but now it's been 3 days. He talks to other girls on social media and seems to be active in his personal life. I know what I read and I know how he was and the plans we made, but I'm losing confidence. I just can't understand how it can be like this, no matter how much I read. The more time that passes the more I feel like I'm being a fool.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi Glara,
I am so sorry that you're going through this right now. Can I ask you the nature of your relationship? I mean is it more casual and in the dating phase, or are you two official a couple right now? I don't think its unreasonable to set certain expectations in terms of how often he is going to contact you and such. Of course, there are different degrees of shut downs and if he was going through a total shut down and contacting nobody, then perhaps he would deserve a little more leeway. However, since he is in contact with other people, then I don't think it is unreasonable for you to expect some sort of contact, either, even if it is just a "I'm ok, just not up for talking right now" sort of message. He may not be able to fully engage with you, however. I also go through periods where I am ok with friends and family, but don't want much contact with someone I'm seeing. In my last relationship, the basic requirement was that I continue to talk to him, text him, or message him, even if its just to let him know that I wasn't up to seeing him or talking to him. I think this was a reasonable expectation within the relationship. I agreed to it because I saw it as a basic form of respect. He was there for me, so at the very least he deserved to know what was going on and not be dropped without a word. I think it is cruel to just let someone hang on like that (unless, of course, the PTSD is severe and it is a total shutdown, but that isn't what we're talking about here.)

 

[scout86]

How about telling him exactly that? He deserves to know, regardless of what he's thinking (or not thinking). And you deserve to know what's up with him too. I don't think it would be out of line, at this point, to ask for some clarification. If he wants to be in a relationship, he needs to consider your feelings too. Maybe he's not ready to be in a relationship, but you deserve to know.

Sorry things are going this way1

 

[Glara]

Is keen know how to define what we are. It's very complicated. We dated on off many years ago, we wereong distance then and even longer distance now. We've been casually chatting for about 6 years and a few years ago he brought up our history. After that he kinda shut down, now I know why. More recently every thing changed and we started talking very seriously. We were making serious plans and he was coming on very strong. Then he became very ill and his behavior changed. ThTs when I told him I wanted to break it off until he figured out what he wants. That's when he got very upset and emotional, shortly after he told me about the ptsd and what caused it. I confided in him as well. This was in June. Once then he's getting more distant. I wish if he'd just end it or something. This is killing me and I don't know what to do.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You know, sometimes major milestones in a relationship can be enough to set them off. Good stress is as bad as bad stress sometimes. If you suddenly got more serious, then broke up, then got back together all in a short period of time, he could be reacting to this.

 

[Glara]

Thank you all. Hearing your perspectives is so helpful and appreciated. He did finally text me to say goodnight and sleep well. I said the same and that I hope he can get some sleep and that I miss him. I do and I had to say it. He answered back that he's wide awake. He hasn't slept in weeks. When I do hear from him and I head what he's going through I feel guilty and selfish for wanting more than he can give. I really believe he wants to come back and he's tryin to hold on to me. Idk it's very confusin and upsetting. But thanks again

 

[nursenurse]

Glara, why are you settling for this? he's chatting up other females on FB but not you? Leading a social life, without you? Maybe it sounded like a good idea to become involved with him, but this sounds far from an uplifting relationship. It sounds like you are just waiting for those texts, most of us have been there at some point in time in our lives, akin for waiting for the phone to ring. Stop texting him, stop contacting him. Wait for him to contact you. In the meantime, get out there and live. Go out with the girls, plan a weekend away for you and your friends, do everything you can to make a life for yourself. What you see is what may very well follow you the rest of your life. Is this what you envision your life being like? Tell him you want to give him space to get better, that you would love to hear from him when he is ready, but don't be a door mat and wait for him forever. Life will pass by in a blink, and all you will have will be empty promises by text. Maybe you need to end it, guiltlessly. There is nothing wrong in admitting that this might not be what you want. And it is not selfish to know your own limits. Just don't lead him on yourself if you know that you can't take what he is dishing out. And what he is dishing out does not a good relationship make.

 

[Justmehere]

It sounds like this started as a long distance relationship that was off and on, then you switched to a long distance chatting friendship, and then suddenly he spoke of he history and you both got serious... but it never really turned into a short distance in-person relationship, right?

I'm kind of wondering why you don't look for a guy who can be physically and emotionally close to you on a regular basis.

I think this is about the distance as much as it is about PTSD. He is a guy with a very well established pattern of being on again, off again, and abandoning you repeatedly. You choose to wait for him anyhow.

I don't think he is holding on to you so much as you are trying to hold on to him. I don't think you can expect him up change either. It's possible, but not something one should expect.

I don't think you are doing him any favors by holding back how you feel. As a PTSD sufferer, I would hate it if someone felt like they could not tell me anything real about how they are feeling in the relationship. I rather know the truth than have them in so much pain about our relationship. Someone belittling or ignoring their own needs doesn't help me at all.

It is not selfish at all to own what you want in a relationship and to communicate it. Or to tell someone that you need something different.

I think you already know that he isn't going to change anytime soon and be the steady guy you very reasonably want/need. So why do you stay with someone hurts you so much when there are many guys who will treat you much better and be much more close to you?

 

[Glara]

It's a lot more complicated than I'm able to explain on here. But I guess what I'm really asking is this normal with ptsd? I've read so many posts that say it's hard to text and it respond to loved ones etc. If I could understand what's "normal" and what's not it would help. So I don't know how to respond or act or figure out what is appropriate. I can say the more time that goes by the harder it gets.

 

[nursenurse]

All I can say is, if it is this complicated and has you feeling like this all ready, then the relationship might not be worth it. It seems to me you are being reeled in and let out. That is not normal. Things are only as complicated as you let them be. Isolation can be normal. But if you are willing to accept what is going on now as what may happen for the rest of your life, then go for it. It is not normal behaviour in any relationship that is going somewhere. If you keep contacting him, he will throw out some bait and keep you hooked. Let him know once and for all how you feel, give him some space so he can help himself, no contact, and see what happens from there. He could be scared of the relationship, and if it is as complicated as you say it is, that will make him want to run as well. Is he still married or with someone else?

 

[Justmehere]

I don't think this is normal for PTSD. When I shut down, I shut down with everyone. Sometimes I might be a little more friendly with people who are acquaintances, but then I wouldn't be taking to guys on social media while not responding to my long distance boyfriend. That's not a part of PTSD. That's just a crappy way to treat someone I'm dating.

The way I would want someone in your shoes to respond to me is to tell me that my actions are hurting them. Even if I am really struggling with PTSD symptoms, I would want to know.

It's one thing to have a good relationship and communication with a significant other and to then also contact other people. Ie - if he was talking more to you, I wouldn't be so concerned.

Even if he is not sleeping and etc, he could still spend the time and emotional energy he is spending contacting other girls to contact you. PTSD wouldn't prevent that.

You are not a fool at all. You two clearly have a long history together. I think the pain you feel appropriately reflects that what he is doing isn't ok or normal. It is going to be painful to stay in relationship with him, and it's going to be painful to leave. It's a tough situation and I'm sorry for what you are going through. I believe you deserve so much better.

 

[Glara]

Ok, the girls are mostly girls from where he grew up. I talk to guys I grew up with also, from my neighborhood. It just bothers me because he is barely talking to me. I'm not the one that withdrew.

I know he's very depressed and hypervigilant. Last year he was suicidal. I knew he was depressed back then, but I didn't know the extent. Now he's on another depressive/ hypervigilant cycle. How on earth do I tell him how I feel when he's like that? I'm depressed myself, and not just about him, my daughter moved out into her own place, and I'm feeling extremely lonely. But part of me is angry too. I'm angry that she left with virtually no warning and that he's withdrawn from me. And what right do I have to be angry? I don't even have any people in my life to talk to. He usually answers when I text him, but not texting him anymore. I'm just rambling now because I'm at a loss.