So Am I Going To End Up In The Mental Asylum???

[joeylittle]

BUT I have trouble forgiving or forgetting :(

Well, no-one is brilliant at doing anything new the first few times around. It's going to be hard at first. But re-directing your focus away from trying to change other peoples' behavior (which cannot be done) and away from trying to be OK with it and put your focus on changing your own behavior (which you have total control over) and accepting that your family isn't the family you wish you had - then you can get out of there and start building your real family out of friends and people who come into your life through new experiences.

Why the hell am I made to go to my room each time and WHY can't they be kicked out of the house???

"why" is irrelevant, honestly; there is no answer and in order to resolve it you have to get into making judgements. Why? because they are sick in their own right. Why? Because they are right and you are the problem. It will be one of those two answers.

And you know what you believe: you aren't the problem. Act on your beliefs.

 

[J_trustno1]

@digger : Yes, I don't know who I am. I still have fear of living own my own after what those so called friends tried doing to me (almost raped me) where I almost forgot my boundaries. I don't want to be in the same hell I was last year. Hell, I was visiting the nearby bridge near my uni everyday to jump off to end my life because my mother's asshole brother lived in our house last year. He was allowed to yell at me and lash out on me but i was NEVER allowed to pick fights with him? I was the one who was forced to go to my room and that moron was NOT kicked out of the house just because we were "IN DEBT" to him for giving my mother work permit to come to this country? huh!!! He stood outside my room on the night when i was writing my thesis which was going to be submitted the next day. I hadn't slept that night (36hrs of NO f*cking sleep), but that moron wasted my 1hr 30 mins of that precious night when my computer was f*cking up badly. Guess what my mother's take on this is?? She said, "you should've closed you door? you are the one who left your door open!" I told her if i had shut the door on that psychopath, there would've been a drama in the house. Then she tells me that, "you should've had your door closed before he got into the house at 12:30am after his alcohol party!!!""

 

[scout86]

Yes, I don't know who I am.

This sounds like a more interesting and worthwhile topic to work on than rehashing your family dynamics.

What would your life be like without all the family drama? Can you picture it? I can't, for the life of me, imagine what you "get" out of staying where you are, but maybe there's something, because you're still there. Some times the devil we know seems better than the one we don't, I guess. But, often, the "devil we don't know" isn't a devil at all.

 

[J_trustno1]

@joeylittle : yes you right the "why" is irrelevant. Even my mother knows how sick they are BUT I hate it how my voice is NEVER heard! I always stood up for her when my father used to fight with her or her relatives treated her the same BUT why couldn't she divorce my father and disown her siblings? Man, I really want to get rid of those assholes. I haven't seen any of them for few days but I think about them 24/7. The bathe with me, they eat with me, they sleep with and they even shit with me (i mean they are always in my head)!

 

[J_trustno1]

@scout86 : I want to be an independent woman, having my own career and lead it with pride, be a public speaker because all my life I was shut all these years and I want to be heard and clapped for after I have done something for those who have been going through the same hell as I have, live own my own, have no one judging me or telling me what to do or telling that i am wrong, be around people that actually bring smile on my face, have conversations that are about life in general but good healthy conversations other than this shit i am in right now, Not have ANY of them (abusers) around, just be happy with who I am and not comparing myself to others n others lives, just be content with myself. That's what I want from life. I want to be noted, i want to be appreciated and most of all I want to be HEARD!

 

[Jane.l]

I agree the 'why' doesn't really matter - but actually getting you out of the situation and out of confrontation you were never going to be allowed to win probably did you a favour - even if you were sent to your room for all the wrong reasons it may well have been the safest place .

You can't forget even if you want to and for me forgiveness never even occurs to me - it ain't going to happen.
Everyone said I wouldn't manage living on my own - I wouldn't cope - I can and I do and it's a lot easier not endlessly adding to the hurt and trauma day in day out .

 

[scout86]

I want to be an independent woman, having my own career and lead it with pride,

I absolutely believe you can do all that. I don't think there's any way in the world you can do it living where you are now. You need to be able to access the HUGE part of your life that has nothing to do with your family. They are stuck where they are. As long as you stay they, I think you are too. The easiest way to move beyond them is to do exactly that, move beyond them. In 10 years, if it still seems important to you (and I'd bet that it won't) THEN you can come back and "show them".

When I graduated from high school, I moved out of my parent's house and never moved back. Lived in my truck for a month (Nov & it's cold here in Nov!). Lived in a horse trailer for a month after that...... What I learned when I moved out of my parent's house was that there are people in this world who like me and accept me for who I AM, not who they think I am or who they think I should be. That was a revelation! I liked it so much, I won't give it up for anything. I'd rather freeze under a bridge. That's me, granted. But, I think you'll be better off if you get out of there and get on with your own life, rather than worrying about interacting with "them".

 

[digger]

You can't forget even if you want to and for me forgiveness never even occurs to me

Yep, I've got to say, the forgive and forget thing doesn't feature very highly on my priorities either.

I understand why you need to feel heard, I'm sure a lot of us here can identify with that, but I think it would serve you better to look for being heard by people that aren't your family. I honestly don't think that's going to happen however much you want it to, there are people out there who will hear you and want to hear you though.

Letting go of any expectations of being heard or of validation from people who just ain't going to give me that has been liberating for me (although it still takes work at times to maintain that). You don't need validation from these people. Their view of you, and your view of them, is too coloured by the events in your past with them. They've shown you over and over that they either can't or won't see from your side and don't want to change. Time to move on and allow space in your life for people who want to see and hear you for who you are.

 

[littlelostchild]

Jess, you've got lots of great feedback here.

I remember once someone telling me that we can't pick our relatives, but we can pick our friends. I think it's time for you to focus on building your life with positive friends, not negative family influences. I severely limited my contact with my family 22 years ago and have been happier for it.

No doubt it will be scary at first, but being out of that toxic environment can't be anything but helpful. You can do it.