Relationship The More Time That Passes, The More I Feel Like A Fool

[Justmehere]

Sometimes, it has really helped my own depression for someone to get angry because they CARED about me and missed me. They said to me, "I'm hurt and angry because I really miss you and want to be with you."

Their words sunk into my heart and helped me get my butt out the door to spend time with them, and it helped both of us.

Depression is a dark cycle. It's hard to connect while in it, and some self isolation is ok, and some self isolation isn't healthy and actually fuels the depression to get darker... And sometimes people (including me) need a kick in the pants to get ourselves to connect with others and do things that help is feel better. Maybe he really needs that right now. He may actually need you right now to fight for him, which is what anger can help us do.

I really do think it could actually really help him to know that you care so much about him, and miss him so much, that you are angry and hurt that he doesn't take the time he spends chatting to other people he knows to also chat with you.

It's ok to tell your daughter that you are angry because you miss her and care about her too.

I think if you gently tell them your anger comes from missing them, they will understand. Chances are, they could be picking up on it a little anyhow (maybe not, I dunno), and even possibly misinterpreting it, and a little open dialogue with them would help them understand it's not space, but connection that you want with them and you are feeling a bit abandoned right now.

I have had that very conversation with a family member myself. It was so hard to do, but it drew us both closer to share with them my vulnerable hurt.

If you can't share with him something vulnerable like this, then maybe it's time to let him go... but I'm not sure you are there yet.

It's really ok to remind him that he matters. His actions have an impact and right now, his actions are making you feel very hurt and alone.

Glad you are reaching out here. :hug:

 

[Glara]

Thanks @Justmehere. I talked to him tonight and he was quite talkative about what he did today, asked me if I was going out tonight. I asked him and he said he was staying home with his pets. I told him I was looking for a new pet because I'm depressed about my daughter leaving and he didn't answer. Then I said goodnight and I miss him too and he didn't answer. This is what I see as a pattern. He's only talking about superficial things. There's really nothing I can do or say anymore. I can just keep reading and try to understand, but I don't really know where it can go.

 

[darrenS]

Glara , I had a major episode and acted like this with my wife of 16yrs, i have never shut her out fully and gone haywire, but i did and it was all whilst having non stop emotional flashbacks , i still to this day am lost as to why i shut her out so badly and now its been near 2 mths. In all honesty i would tread carefully , at some level you do have to ask yourself "what can i actually live with" because as you learning /know , there is nothing clear or straight about PTSD

 

[Nicolette]

He's only talking about superficial things.

More likely than not due to not being able to cope with any discussions which take emotional energy or involvement. It takes me back to not being spoken to at all and not being able to cope with it (the look said enough) but chatting endlessly to someone else in the same room for hours with no issue.

at some level you do have to ask yourself "what can i actually live with"

And there is no truer statement!

 

[Glara]

@Nicolette , ironically he's starting to make plans to get together again, but he's still not talking to me like he was. A few days go by thy I don he from him and then he texts casual things. I'm concerned about taking off work to visit him and having him not show!

 

[Nicolette]

but he's still not talking to me like he was

@Glara , I'm not sure if you totally understand this 'reaction' yet but it is typical of PTSD.... he can't cope with deep and meaningful but still wants you in his life otherwise you wouldn't have heard from him.

I'm concerned about taking off work to visit him and having him not show

Justifiably so - only you can decide but I will warn you it is a roller coaster ride and only you can decide how much heartache you can take along with the good.

 

[Friday]

I'm concerned about taking off work to visit him and having him not show!

Whenever I was dual-wielding (being PTSD dating PTSD) I always made alternate plans.

Like...
- If he's here I'm gonna be doing xxx with him.
- If he's not here I'm gonna be doing abc by myself.

Some of these were daily things, others were pretty big trips. Like meeting up with someone in Istanbul. No matter whether it was coffee in the morning or international trips, I always made solo plans and duo plans. That way I was happy, no matter whether I was alone or not. If they were there, awesome, that simply added to my day. But if they were gone, my time wasn't wasted. Their absence didn't detract from my day.

LOL... Sometimes I realized it was time to end a relationship because I realized I would rather lay out by the pool reading a book (planB) than be ordering room service with planA. ((Whoops.)) Other times I would share my solo plans and we'd do them together, scrapping plan A and turning it into plan AB. But having both sets of plans was crucial.

 

[Glara]

I always have other plans because we live in seperate states. That's what makes this so complicated. I'm not sure how I can travel to see him, if he can't talk to me about more than casual things. How can that work? I want to ask him that but I'm not sure that I should. Or at least bit yet. We had talked about a future together which would involve major life changes for me, but how is that even possible? Realistically, I was planning to move to his state in a few years because I have family there, but not the area he lives in. He lives in a place that I've wanted to live for a long time before he and I reconnected, which is why I would go to him. How can I visit when he distancing, and how do I ask him that?