General So I Work With This Awesome Guy In The Fire Dept. That Has Ptsd. He Is Treating Me Like Dirt.

[Fire Officer]

So the guy I work with works in the EMS division as an EMS captain. There are two EMS captains....myself and him. We are supervised by a division chief. We work 10 hour days....4 days a week. I started in the EMS division when I got promoted to captain in January of this past year. The guy I work with used to be an engine captain...on shift, working 24 hours on / 48 hours off (what most people like to do in our dept). Sadly, his son committed suicide when he was 16....about 2 years ago. Then he got divorced. He has his 17 year old daughter and that's it.

Because of what happened, he was reassigned to a 40-hour day position because obviously he could not deal with the emotional triggers of all the things you see as a firefighter/paramedic running 911 calls. So he is there because he has to be..not because he wants to be. He is stellar guy. I looked up to him when I first got into the EMS division with him. We hit it off as partners and before you knew it, we would be having breakfast together, helping each other out on projects, texting and calling each other. We had a MAGNIFICENT work relationship. This lasted January until August.1st.

One night I sent a group text out that included a link he did not like. He sent a group text reply stating he didn't like it and I of course respected that and apologized. But he did not stop there. He then sent out another group text reply saying that I as a supervisor should not be sending out texts like that to subordinates. I was angry because he belittled me and embarrassed me in a group text. So I did what anyone would do and I replied in the group text" Get off your pedestal with that holier than thou attitude". After that I went on vacation for a week, I came back and he said he needed to talk to me. We talked about it, we both apologized and I thought we squashed it right there and then. Man was I wrong !

Since then, there has been a TOTAL DISCONNECT between him and I....which is making showing up to work for me DREADFUL. He is senior captain and I am a junior captain. I still need him to show me the ropes. He doesn't answer my phone calls, doesn't reply to my texts, took me off FB. To make matter worse, he complained to our division chief(our boss) that I am not working enough. And that could not be further from the truth ! I am busting my butt and producing very quality work. My supervisor realizes this because I sat down and talked to him about it.

Anyhow, I have tried to reach out to him MULTIPLE TIMES since that incident...all to no avail. And to top it off, I think he is talking about be behind my back to other chiefs. I don't appreciate it this at all. Work is no fun no more. To "distribute the workload" better, we suggested that we split assignments....I handle a certain area and he handles a certain area. So far it has NOT been working that great. I realize (and I hope he will one day) that I need him and he needs me. It is a joint effort. He is obviousely unhappy at work and I don't blame him...but hell, you have one person that TRULY cares about your feeelings and what you went through(me) and you push him completely out of your circle. He is super friendly with everyone else, but just avoids me. He is cordial and says hi and bye....but that's about it.

Work literally sucks now. .I will probably get help through EAP to assist me in this. I don't think our division chief or anyone in the department realizes how serious of a situation this is. Any suggestions ?? For the past 3 weeks I kept reaching out....last week I had enough and cut him off too and totally isolate myself from him. It hurts a lot believe it or not. We had such a great thing and now it's crap.

 

[blackswan]

PTSD or no PTSD, just follow normal grievance procedures. In all the large organisations I've worked for this is: 1) try to resolve it with the other party, 2) take it up the chain of command. If your ability to complete your duties is being impaired and the two of you can't resolve things then HR and management need to be involved. It's great that you support and understand him :) that will no doubt help, but it's not going to fix the problem on its own.

 

[darrenS]

I had a similar situation , and my boss went to the extent of entirely freezing me out, and telling me to stay in my office and not do anything - people were scared of her and would not intervene , I stayed in my office for 12 mths, doing nothing and then filed a complaint , after receiving merit awards , international design award , and several accolades , I was totally frozen out. I learnt some important things , once a situation like your in starts , protect your back at every turn, get support from several people , if the situation dosent change after a period of 3 mths....get out ...get out whilst your ahead and can go somewhere else, sometimes in the process of resolution involving employment, we lose more than we could ever gain

Your emotional/mental health is the most important thing you have, protect it

 

[Justmehere]

So I did what anyone would do and I replied in the group text" Get off your pedestal with that holier than thou attitude".

I'm going to go against the grain and suggest a different perspective.

I don't think anyone would just sent out a text like that to someone who was senior captain/superior figure/boss at work. That is a ballsy text that publically attacked his character. I understand that he did it first and you were embarrassed. However, you are a captain. You are a leader. A boss. This text was sent out to subordinates who look to you to lead. If I was an employee and I got group texts with junior and senior captains embarrassing and attacking each other, I would feel massively uncomfortable at best.

You and him clearly had different opinions about if the link was appropriate for you to send out to subordinates. In my opinion, you BOTH handled it badly. You stopped to his level.

It would have been more professional to respond to his text by say something like "hey, thanks for the input. We will have to agree to disagree, as I believe it is appropriate to send out this text like I did." Then you could have spoken to him about it privately and not made the situation even more tense and awkward for the subordinates below you.

I'm guessing that by what he sent out as a text to everyone, he felt you were not respectful of your role of a leader/captain in your workplace. I think your text shows a lack of respect for his role, and yours, as well.

I'm glad you both apologized. It would make sense that things are a little cold for a little while. Especially if you two were close and trusted each other. You both basically publically humiliated the other - a betrayal of trust. I'm guessing that there were some flags of tension between you before this texting incident. Thins rarely just blow up out of nowhere, even if someone has PTSD.

If he is now further failing to properly lead and instruct you, or work together properly, and he won't even respond to your attempts to reach out to him, I agree with the suggestion of going through the proper grievance channels. I would also suggest bringing it to his attention on last time that you two both need to rebuild some trust and respect for each other.

Nothing about his behavior suggests that any of it has to do with the possibility he has PTSD. It sounds like a lot of unprofessional workplace backbiting. You don't even mention he has actually been diagnosed with PTSD. It rarely helps anyone to make assumptions. If he does have pad, it might explain why he maybe got triggered by the link - but maybe e wasn't triggered. Maybe it really was not appropriate to send out to subordinates and he was trying to help you understand that.

You do mention that you think he is talking badly about you to others. I think before you read further into this situation even more, you need to find out more facts about what is and isn't going on. That's what good leaders do. Don't give into the gossip or his unprofessionalism. Rise above it. You clearly do have a lot of skill to be in the position you are. Use those skills to build bridges.

Whatever is going on, I agree that talking to EAP is a good idea. They can help you with the stress of this and figure out proactive and professional ways to handle it all.

 

[Friday]

Ooooooh. I am so sorry man that your attempt to get him down into the fray blew up in your face.

I've done that. (Military). 99% of the time it works perfect (they call you an asshole and then come play), or you take off your blouses fight it out and have a beer after, and things are fine. Either way, 99% of the time things are good.

But that 1% of the time?

You need to eat crow.

Like yesterday. Come in and lay it out that you were playing, and he was serious, and you should have taken him seriously, and you regret your actions and what it has done to your mentorship. Here, from this moment, you want the mentor back that you had and what do you need to do to make things right between you?

Or just step into the role of not having a mentor, and that this guy is going to be on your enemies list for probably the rest of your career.

Either option is a good one. Things happen.

But sadly, there is no lifeHack for getting through to someone via PTSD. Even if you think that's the psych behind this decision of his to go on the warpath instead of smacking you and moving forward as friends is PTSD motivated (and yeah, I can see that too, you're probably a great manager of people since you can see that button you pushed, but it was also a legit move in you bucked authority and he came down like a ton of bricks, just not one you were expecting). This is one of those things where you have to just accept the status quo, or eat crow and be prepared to be a sub for awhile in order to preserve that friendship. (And later connection as you two rise through, instead of nemesis).

Best of Luck.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Its a crap situation but nowhere do I see "THIS IS PTSD!" Anyone would be pissed at that sort of "demotion". Please don't blame it all on PTSD.....there is already too much blamed on the disorder that happens to be coincidental rather than causal.