Cannot Find A Therapist, Losing Faith In Therapy Altogether

[shandemonium]

I have never started a thread so I'm a little scared. Still new here (about a month?). I have a lot to go over and feel bad writing so much, hang in there folks... I'm sorry...
I will try and give the background briefly to get to my real question for all of you:

The very first therapist I ever saw was when I was 13 and in a group home. It was required for living there. She was nice and all, but probably fresh out of grad school and would give retarded suggestions like "have a meal once a week together as a family" when my mother was violent, abusive, crazy, and both parents drinking and violent beating me and each other. Strike one for therapy.

Two years of homes, living on the streets from about 13-15yrs then I was shipped off to FL to live with distant relatives. Long story...that's the brief version.

Therapist #2 was this guy my guardians/foster parents paid for 3 sessions to "help me adjust" and it was this guy who could barely remember anything I told him and barely paid attention to what I was saying. Strike 2 for therapy.

There are literally 5 more stories like this that lead us all the way up to the present, so I won't list them out (I am currently 30).

Then a miracle happened. I was 24 and living in a camper in the ghetto, parked around; camping under BART tracks and being harassed by crackheads and cops. I was secretly planning my suicide, then something incredible happened. I received help from an unexpected source. (this is also long story). He was a "healer", a medium (talks to dead people), and all sorts of other weird stuff. He helped me in a way that no one has before and coached me for a year without asking for any money at all. He just wanted to help bc he knew how much I was suffering. He never was creepy or mean, he was a loving and kind (and strange lol) man.

His name was Jason, and after accomplishing the largest achievement of my life (I became a homeowner) he died very suddenly of a brain aneurism. He never even got to see my house :(

That was 4.5 years ago and I have been slipping back down the tunnel. I passed 2 kidney stones a week after he died (never had them before) and have tried to find some support recently without any luck.

So here I am in the present on Google for therapists, making phone calls and talking to one douchebag-fake greedy-money-grubbing so-called "therapist" to another. It is heartbreaking. I feel hatred for them. I feel their lack of concern. I feel money is their top priority. I feel the disconnected "clinical" approach like I'm some kind of f*cking lab rat.

I live in Oakland, CA (I'm not afraid to tell ppl on the internet because Oakland'll kill you before you come to kill me lol) so I live in a hostile place full of angry hostile people who are selfish and only care for themselves. I have been here 8 years and have not made one real friend. I hate this place and I feel like there is no love in the Bay Area.

I have only a part-time job, no insurance. Before you suggest it, I have tried those cheap "therapists-in-training" places. 3 of them actually. What a f*cking joke! That lady in the group home was less retarded than these people. I am trying to get Medi-Cal as we speak; I have very little faith in the county system and it's not exactly my first round with the county, ya know?

Please forgive me as I don't mean any offense. I read everyone else's posts about their "T" and I feel a little jealous I admit. It seems like people are being helped by therapy and I'm in this f*cking Twilight Zone of love-less-incompetent-money-grubbing-thieves who should be ashamed of themselves. I am very angry and every time I make another one of those "I charge $140 an hour/I don't take credit cards/call me back when you have money" calls I will give up on the idea entirely. that feels hopeless too.

It's like f*cking Bigfoot. Ya know, some people swear he's real, but I've never seen him. That's how I see "good therapists" They are like bigfoot unicorn toothfairies...

I stated my local area on purpose hoping maybe some of you are in the Bay and know someone who is compassionate and not all about the money. Maybe I need to move to a small town? I am making a plan to leave this area.

I feel betrayed by therapy. I feel like it's a joke. I feel so angry and hurt by EVERY therapist I have talked to in the last 3 weeks. Thankfully, I at least found this website. You all mean a lot to me even though we never met.

I want to be proven wrong about therapists. I'm not here to rant about how much I hate them (sorry for that btw). I want to find another person like Jason, or at least a therapist who actually helps people.

Any successful therapy stories? Referrals to people in San Francisco Bay Area? Alternatives? Thanks for reading this long-ass post!

 

[risingsun]

I feel betrayed by therapy. I feel like it's a joke.

I can completely relate to you shandemonium. I was fired from therapy for being too depressed and supposedly not making progress. I have clinical depression on top of PTSD. I went to see a couple of therapists after but I saw so many red flags. I am learning to spot them now and take them seriously so I don't end up wasting my time with a dead-beat therapist. Anyway, in my search, I saw the money takers, the narcissistic ones who wanted patient confirmation for their egos, the ones who wanted to deal with their own problems through their patients, etc.

Anyway, I have been just as discouraged. But there is always a diamond in the rough. Don't lose hope. Sometimes its takes alot of interviews but you will find one who will help you, have empathy for you, and support you in this journey. I am sorry for all that you have been through, which seems like quite a bit. My heart goes out to you. But you will find the One you are looking for. I wish I lived in that state to be able to help you but I don't. Keep the Faith. It will happen. Best of Luck to You, Rising Sun.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Ehhh, I wouldn't advise moving to a small town. I am about an hour and a half outside of two sizeable metropolitan areas, and if I want decent care for ANYTHING medical related, I pretty much have to drive down to the city. I don't necessarily see a difference in compassion between the small town and big city therapists, however, therapists who specialize in trauma do not tend to head out to the sticks and set up practice (although there are a few exceptions to that rule).

I have had a lot of therapy (and yes, that IS an understatement). No, I am not trying to rub it in, rather I want to say that what helped me the most was my spirituality (found after I started my healing journey). I think its incredible that you've been able to tap into such a powerful healing source as I know that many can't go there (so to speak), for whatever reason. I'm not gonna lie....I've been through trauma hospitals and intensive trauma programs, all of which have helped....BUT, I wouldn't be anywhere close to where I am today without my spirituality.

Have you tried searching through sidran.org or psychologytoday.com? Sidran has a referral service for trauma therapists (but of course that is no guarantee of competency), and with psychology today, you'll still have to weed through all of the providers. I did have an awesome therapist who cut me a deal at $70/hr and I was like woohoo this is like going to therapy in the 80's! Still pricey, but I've had other therapists value their time at $200/hr and want me to see them 2x a week. Uhm, so not happening.

I wish I had better advice for you as I know its tough, and I'm not sure what to advise in terms of the financial issue.

 

[Pencil]

I was dropped in a flash by the therapist I was seeing twice a week when my income went down because I was in a really bad emotional state, which made my emotional state much worse and so my income dwindled even further. Sorry, I don't have any wise words, this is just to let you know that I share some of your feelings.

 

[Deleted member 27340]

I don't really have wise words either. I've got the same experience with therapy, I don't even like it or want to go there but I'm forced to by my family.

 

[Nighthawk]

There are good therapists and bad therapists. What we experiance with them from early on can chane our prespective. I have had therapists wave their fees. So they are not all money grabbing you know whats.

The bigger issue is allowing yourself to give them a fair chance. If you go into therapy looking for all the negative interaction you will never stay. You will never have the abilty to build a theraputic relationship. Therapy is painfully hard and one must be ready to do the work.

The best therapist I had was a graduate student at one of the College anxiety disorder clinics. As much as their education is important the right fit and willingness for it to get worse before it gets better is as important.

I hope you find that fit.

Good luck

 

[shandemonium]

Thank you all for your replies and suggestions! I will look into that site @Solara so thank you!

It's good to also hear that I'm not the only one dealing with this

 

[shandemonium]

I was dropped in a flash by the therapist I was seeing twice a week when my income went down

that sounds horrible! I am so sorry they did that to you... that is worse than initial rejection I am going through; it must have felt like such a betrayal.

I wish I could start a website like ratemyprofessor for psychologists where they could be put on blast for doing things like that...
Hmmmmmm... I think I'll start looking for some techies in my area

 

[Pencil]

I also went through 3 before starting with this one, and then she quickly dumped me. It was not pleasant. So now I don't want to even think about therapy. But don't let my experience put you off, you might just find someone who is willing and able to help you.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I would think linking into the energy healing folks in your area may lead you to someone like Jason. I take it you're open to metaphysical theories and I have had tremendous success with Reiki/crystal healer. I happen to like my T and he's the one who directed me to energy healing. Yes I have to pay for it but it is very reasonable.

 

[Hashi]

It's worth bearing in mind that there are a lot of different types of therapies and therapists. Living in a heavily populated area might give you access to a much wider range.

I've seen a somatic therapist (craniosacral therapy) and a transpersonal psychotherapist (ie there's a spiritual/metaphysical dimension). Both were trauma specialists and both were genuine healers (ie their motivation was healing). I think it's worth saying that they also had strong boundaries around money and would never discount a session. But then, they didn't charge a crazy amount and they were accommodating in other ways.

On my way to finding them, I came across plenty of therapists who charged horribly high fees and didn't give the impression of caring much (if at all). In my case, I started to see a pattern which related to type of therapy and type of therapist. Where I am, psychologists tend to charge high fees and they seem to like using standard approaches. This wasn't for me so I stopped considering psychologists.

 

[Dana1010]

I hate this place and I feel like there is no love in the Bay Area.

Really? Wow. It has a rep as one of the most tolerant, laid back, let's-all-love-one-another areas of the country. I guess things have changed with the Google set and entitled, tech industry brats moving in, huh? Have you lived in other parts of CA? What about Southern CA?

Also, I want to say that I'm picking up some paranoia, trust issues, and mild teeth-gnashing from your post - not that all of that isn't totally normal for PTSD sufferers. Try to remember that therapists are doing a job to survive just like everyone else, they have huge loans to pay off, and just give them the benefit of the doubt.

Also, you went from sleeping under BART tracks to owning a home in 4.5 years? Wow, way to go!