Sexual Assault So I Went Public About My Rape Today...

[Go Hungry]

I really dislike the word 'rape'. I'm being brave at fighting through my shame at being a victim, but as a guy it's really really really hard to accept that label. It just hurts. It's more painful than when I had to admit that I was an alcoholic. It's just the label that is so unbearable. Because it invites people to make all sorts of assumptions and value-judgements about you.. and let's face it... Jokes. I'm totally afraid of the consequences of coming out about it, but dammit... Tired of hiding it. Not that I want the potential ridicule and denigration that I might suffer...

As I've said before, men are not 'socially acceptable' as rape victims. It makes our culture extremely uncomfortable to face that it happens. It's a straight up assault upon accepted gender roles, and the result is often for people to make judgement as to the masculinity of the victim. I know I've questioned my own resolve and masculinity as a result of it. I'm certain that others, particularly internet trolls, would do the same; and at much greater volume.

So I'm not going 'super public' exactly. I'm not shouting it from the rooftops. But in an argument with a friend on facebook, who made the assertion that a woman shares blame for her rape if she is dressed provocatively, I brought up that I wasn't dress provocatively. Let me see if I can find my post...

-- I certainly wasn't dressed provocatively, but that didn't stop someone from molesting me in my sleep. When it happened, people made all sorts of excuses as to why it was my fault. "It was my fault for drinking too much. It should be excused because he had a bad childhood. I should have slept with the lights on so I could easily identify him." They employed every mechanism possible to derail and minimize the crime that had been committed. I'm sure that if it had happened at Weirdstock they would have cited my mode of dress as an excuse. But it's bullshit. There is no excuse, there is no circumstance, wherein a persons' vestments or behaviour constitutes a surrender of personal choice. --

So that's how I came out about it. Surprisingly, he then privately messaged me that he was molested as a child, and knew where I was coming from, but ofcourse he didn't want that being public knowledge. (Truth be told I'm afraid of saying that, worried that somebody from here might deduce his identity. Such paranoia)

But yeah, went public. I'm trying to be more courageous in life, and taking this on is definitely a test of my courage. Already I fear the repercussions. But I've already lost the things that I most feared losing on the day of my assault. I feared that group of friends excluding me. And they have. I haven't been invited back to the annual New Year's party at which it happened. Which is fine, I don't need to be around all that alcohol anyways. But my great fear was losing the ability to go to Weirdstock, our annual bacchanal. And that has happened as well...

I wasn't specifically barred from Weirdstock, but they invited the guy who did it, and therefore took his side in things. John, the guy who hosted the party, made a big deal about how 'we're all grown-ups, and shouldn't be consumed with making drama' which is true I suppose. But considering that all it take for Evil to triumph is for good men to stand by and do nothing; it is full on complicity for him to do nothing about it. All of them are aiding this rapist to avoid the consequences of his behaviour, through their own inaction.

I hate to say it, because personally I don't think life is a zero-sum game, but in the case of rape, you are either with the victim, or with the rapist; whether by action or inaction. And so John is with the rapist. So are some others, because they just don't want to look at the ugliness. I mean, we are basically a family of sorts, and I suppose they just don't want to rock the boat. f*ck 'em. Some of this family stuck with me. Some of them decided not to attend Weirdstock so as to stand in solidarity with me...

I guess it's true that you can determine a friends resolve during an ugly situation.

So yeah, that's me. I'm going to name and shame. I will no longer be complicit via my own inaction.

 

[RussH]

@Go Hungry I want to thank you for for going public. You said that society is uncomfortable with the idea of male rape. If that is the case, then society needs to be exposed to the truth; that men can be victims of rape.
Rape is something that our society should be uncomfortable with period. We must stop blaming the victims, and start proscuting the perpetrators for their acts.
In this country our justice system is so upside down when it comes to rape. The rapist past and present practices cannot be brought up to the jury in fear it will prejudice the jury against the defendent, but the past of the victim can be put on display for all to see, so the victim is twice raped.
I understand completely you statement concerning your masculinity, but the reality is; he attacked you when you were not in a place where you could defend yourself (too much to drink), but how many of us have never had too much to drink. And are the ones saying you had too much to drink, are they saying it is ok to rape a drunk? Their logic is stupid.

The bottom line; you were the vicitm of a violent act, and if your "friends" cannot see that, then they are not truly friends.

 

[Bookoffee]

Good for you for saying it publicly. I have a hard time talking about my rape. I can write about but to say "rape" out loud is very hard for me. I cringe and get a huge knot in my stomach. So I can not even begin to image what it would be like for a male.

After my rape, I lost all of my friends and family. My entire family protected my rapist. I tried to press charges against him but the DA would not listen to my side of the story because no one would stand up for me. It went away free.

I heard that I wasn't acting like I was rape, I lied, I was looking for attention, I was trying to make my girlfriend jealous, etc...

Good luck on your journey if you decide to share more publicly.

 

[Go Hungry]

Yeah, I'm still a long way from ready to go that far. The world is most cruel to victims.

 

[ghotiff]

in the case of rape, you are either with the victim, or with the rapist; whether by action or inaction

This profoundly resonated with me. Thanks for sharing.

 

[Friday]

Yep.

Which is probably not helpful, but yes. Been there, done that. Being there, doing that.

 

[Philippa]

Very brave of you. I think it does need to be spoken about more openly, and to encourage other male victims of rape (yes, I have trouble using the word as well). It's the only way people will start taking it seriously. I have spoken to a couple of feminist friends about this, and the answer is always so predicatably the same...they start talking about how the stats say that more women, many more, are raped by men...which annoys the hell out of me.

It shouldn't be about how many 'more' of one gender it happens to...it's the fact that it is HAPPENING that is the real issue. They don't take into account that the stigma that men face surrounding rape in general, is what stops them from coming forward and reporting the incidence. It's also that other men don't take them seriously as well, and will emasculate rape victims for not being able to "control the woman" ( as thought that is a virtue), and overpower them with their manly strength.

Some women are wilderbeasts! They will use weapons and their size and weight to overpower smaller men, and I know one friend who woke up at a party after passing out from alcohol to find a woman he didn't know riding him! It happens. I woke up at a party with a man dry humping my butt while I was asleep and fully clothed, as a teenager. He turned out to be a well known rapist from the neighbourhood who kept getting let off despite raping diplomats daughters!

Who really knows the true stats of male rape? None of us, because they are too afraid of the backlash if they come forward...so you are setting the precedent for discussion on this topic. I've had it with the way some feminists show no empathy towards men when it comes to this issue, as well as with domestic violence.

Sure, the stats are more geared towards women copping it more brutally, and that is terrible, but that doesn't mean it's ok or somehow less of a crime that it's happening in reverse, and women who do this need to be held accountable for their bad behaviour, the same as we would reprimand and punish any man who does it to a woman, or man.

I realize that you said you were raped by another man, and I have met a few guys in your position as well, so I didn't mean to rant on about it being just women who rape men. It just makes me mad that no one is taking it seriously, whether it is a man or woman who rapes another man. It's terrible.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I am proud of you.

Society can't handle rape unless its male on female. Male on male? You're cast aside. Female on male or female? You're also cast aside. I am a female rape victim at the hands of another female. I don't pretend that things are as bad as it is for male victims but at the same time I, too, am denied the support of the "sisterhood" of rape victims....you know, the ones who have been raped by men? I am an outcast simply because I was raped by one of their own (a female) and that goes against their mantra of "men rape women". (This topic angers me so....I FULLY believe that it is people vs a problem and not one gender vs another....but very few people actually believe that.)

I am proud of you for standing up for yourself. That "friend" who referred to your situation as unnecessary adult drama? He is no friend at all, and never was. If he can't stand up to the evil in this world, its best to have nothing to do with him. He is a passive wimp who will stand for nothing.

And even if you lost all your friends.....you would still be ok. I think I just lost most of mine, and I am liking the process of making new ones. Life is about change, and I am learning to embrace it. I wish you the best.

 

[Lucycat]

Well done @Go Hungry . I think that was very courageous of you. Also it shows how your words have helped another to share - albeit in a private message.If nothing else he now knows he is not the only one. I know it is so hard, but sharing can be healing.

 

[Go Hungry]

Thanks guys. It means alot to hear people being supportive. :hug:

 

[.Bubbles.]

I am proud of you.

You did a really brave thing. One other person came forward because of you, maybe there will be others.

Hold your head high, shame doesn't belong to you.

 

[GWhizz]

This profoundly resonated with me. Thanks for sharing.

Me too. Though I'm a little confused. @Go Hungry am I the only one getting overly sensitive and thinking that this implies that it must then be true that I have been complicit by not taking action against my abusers? I know you were referring to your friends who are still standing behind him. But you also refer to yourself and how you are no longer going to be complicit. I don't believe you were ever complicit from what you've described here. But well done for speaking out. You are really brave and maybe it might stop it from happening to someone else so that makes sense that you take action to prevent that