A Question For All Who Have Abuse Induced Ptsd

[Nyssa]

Both my parents were intelligent and highly educated. I'm intelligent and highly educated.

I was a very smart kid. I don't think my father abused me because I was.

My brother had bad grades at school, and that meant more psychological violence for him. Having good grades spared me some extra abuse from my father.

 

[Nyssa]

My father had a cold heart. He was either unable to express his emotions or unable to experience them -- apart from self-satisfaction and rage when he felt he was disrespected.

Anyway, he lacked warmth, tenderness, spontaneity ; in a word, inner freedom. I believe that is what he envied in the people he hurt.

 

[Purplemist]

Sorry @Santa_Laurie but your SO did earn more than you per hour (around £26 per hour) and per annum if she was full-time. She certainly did not resent you and in fact, wished that you could have earnt enough to support the family and allow her to stay at home full-time with the children. A fully qualified teacher of nine years wage is £35,000 (working 39 weeks a year) which is more than you were earning, which as you have previously stated was around £27000 (working 48 weeks a year).

 

[ghotiff]

I too have noticed that the general IQ here is higher than the outside world and wondered why.

I hadn't considered if my IQ played a role in my abuse, it certainly was another contributing factor to me not fitting in with my peers in childhood which blocked my learning of some of the basic social skills.

 

[aka]

I honestly have no idea were and what my primary abuser is up to. So I do not know if I am doing better than him. Hell he could be in jail some where which is wishful thinking on my part. One of the teachers who made my life hell in grade school though had a PHD but could not understand my inability to learn in the crappy environment she had provided. After she left the school I attended she received teacher of the year award at another school. My grandmother of course had to let both me and my mother know about it. :yuck: I have a Bachelors degree and would like to one day have a masters I just have to figure out a new career path for my self since the last one did not work out.

Honestly @Purplemist I was enjoying reading this thread until your post. If you want to have a rational discussion and or participate in the forum go ahead but refuting another posters circumstances is unnerving. I really don't want such a useful thread to turning into a fight so please lets play nice. :)

 

[RussH]

@Notsowild I am truly sorry you hate this thread; it was never intended to cause anyone distress.
What is success? For some of us it is surviving. It is knowing that every day we get up, and we stand up in spite of the fact that others have tried to knock us down.
I personally do not measure success by titles or bank accounts. I measure success by the number of lives that I can have a positive influence on. The numbers of people that I have genuinely helped.
And I suspect that if you use this measuring stick of success, then you will see that you are indeed, a success.

 

[digger]

It's nice that you've clarified this,

What is success? For some of us it is surviving…\….I measure success by the number of lives that I can have a positive influence on. The numbers of people that I have genuinely helped.
And I suspect that if you use this measuring stick of success, then you will see that you are indeed, a success.

But your original post seemed, to me, to be focused on academic success...

how many highly motivated, highly educated people we have here on the forum.

How many of you, who have been abused, are now more educated, and more successful than your abusers?

 

[RussH]

@digger when I first started realizing the quality of people that are here on the forum, and started thinking of this post my intent wasn't necessarily to define success as accomplishments, academically or professionally. But rather so that we can see that, in spite of our abusers trying to wreck our lives, and destroy us, we have managed to survive. And the biggest point is, although our abusers felt they could treat us like we were not worthy of them, that we were less than human. We have proven our worth by the kind of people we are.
We have survived, and most of us are deeply caring people that have proven our quality in the face of the lies our abusers tried to instill in us.
It is simply my intent for all of us to see we are valualble, and we are people of great quality.

 

[Weremonks]

It's hard for me to determine whether or not I'm "more educated" than the person who assaulted me seeing as how I never wish to contact them again, but I think I am. I was more educated than her before it happened academically speaking, and I haven't deveated from my academic success. But in terms of overall education I don't know. She knows a lot more about the workings of government programs and social situations than me, so it depends on you look at things. As for being more successful I can't say. I know I'm better off now than before it happened (which is a weird way of looking at things) and I know financially I have it better than them, so if we define money as success than yes I am. If you determine success as inner happiness it may be hit or miss depending on whether or not I hate myself for letting her do that stuff to me.

 

[Recovery4Me]

It is simply my intent for all of us to see we are valualble, and we are
people of great quality.

Excellent sentiment! :hug: Boards are hard to get across one's full intent in one fell swoop.You have a brave heart. Thanks for your tolerance, consideration of other's opinions as well as kindness. Makes you a success in my eyes.;)

 

[digger]

I agree that 'success' shouldn't be defined by academic or professional accomplishments. It would have been nice, from my perspective, if you had clarified that earlier.

In my first post I asked

Do you mean academically?

And responded from the assumption that you did, as your first post didn't talk about other types of successes, I said

Based on my school records and IQ, I 'should' have done a lot better.

Instead of clarifying then that you were talking about other types of successes, you just said...

Unfortunately this is not unusual for abuse victims.

This thread has made difficult reading for me. Not that I grudge people their successes, I am very glad for them that they have managed to break through the barriers of abuse. I am glad too that other people don't define 'success' narrowly. But it made me feel more of a failure for not managing that myself.
I read other people defining their own successes by saying 'at least I didn't do x or y'....when I have done x and y...
I read people talking about successes in other areas of their lives, and I can't claim those either because I've failed there too!

If the only 'success' in my life is that I haven't abused anyone else, well, I'm sorry but that's not a success to me. Not abusing people should be a given in my opinion.

I get that it wasn't your intention for people to respond to the thread in this way, but when you reflect on success, I guess it leads to reflection on failure too.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@digger ...share with me please in your own way, what makes you feel successful or happy or pleased within yourself. It can be anything!

A garden, a hug, a smile, a well cooked meal, adding laughter to the family or among children, a book that was read...can all be a measure of accomplishment to me. :hug:'s if you accept them.