Self condemnation

[FindingMyself88]

I am my own worst enemy.

I am really thankful for my therapist. She helps me laugh at myself when otherwise I would cry. For the longest time she has gotten on to me for being hard on myself. She will tell me something, normally trying to get me to see myself in a different way, and I will say something like "I know, but…". She told me today that whenever I say "but" I am canceling what was just said. After that I realized just how much I say "but". We laughed about it although it is a serious issue for me.

She gave me homework this week. I have to make a list of 20 negative things I think about myself and then use the cognitive distortions list she gave me last week to label each thought. She said this is a habit we will have to get to the bottom of and break, then replace it with something positive. She said it is really holding me back from healing..

It's come up a lot lately because I have completely lost my faith in God. I believe in him, but I feel like he is a million miles away, doesn't care, and that I can never be the christian I use to be. My T did talk me into going back to church this past Sunday, but it was extremely difficult and emotional.

I know we all deal with self condemning ourselves to a certain point. Have any of you found ways to become more accepting of yourself?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Gosh, I could have written this post myself. From the self-condemnation to the believe in God but wondering where he is. I have not found ways to become more accepting of myself. One thing I try not to do (at the request of my therapist) is call myself crazy. So I switched it to freak. Not much better so I think I have a long way to go.

 

[Meadowsweet]

My therapist did a clever thing with me. I am passionate about being a good mother, I've studied it, read all the articles, always asked for help from professionals and put my all into trying to get it right. So she framed her question by asking if I would say the nasty thing I'd just said about myself, to my children. And later put it more bluntly by asking, if a child came to me and told me the story of abuse I had told her, would I treat that child the way I treat myself.

That really got to me, and whenever I heard myself condemning myself, the image of myself if I was speaking to a child that way would come back, and it helped me correct myself and open up to saying something more understanding and nurturing.

So I think if you can think of someone you really care about, and imagine how you would behave towards them, then look at how you behave towards yourself, it can help.

 

[RussH]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve
I also know that God sometimes seems a million miles away, and He does not seem to care, but I can assure you that both of those statements are not correct.
Elijah the prophet had just had a great victory on Mount Caramel, then fled when his life was threatened.
He was depressed and wanted to die.
He stood on a mountain and tried to find God. There was a great wind, then an earthquake, a fire, but God was not in the great wind, the earthquake, or the fire. Because after the fire there was a gentle wind, and Elijah heard God in the gentle wind (1Kings 19)
I tell you this story just to illustrate that God is not always where we expect him to be, but He is there with you; sometimes we just cannot feel his presence like other times.
The other thing is; when you think God does not care; look to Jesus. If God did not care, then Jesus would never have come, and would never had died as he did on a cross. God does care, and He does love you.
As far as the self condemning: John chapter 8 Jesus told the lady caught in sin "neither do I condemn you" FindingMyself, God does not condemn you, He demonstrated his grace toward you and forgave you.
So, realize you have made mistakes, and you are not perfect, then show yourself some grace and forgive yourself.
( Sorry if this is too preachy)

@JEKBreatheandBelieve, please know you are not a freak. You are a good lady that is fighting really hard to overcome some very difficult things that life has thrown your way. So, if life throwing hard things at you, and causing you to struggle mentally and emotionally with all of it makes you a freak, then, my dear lady, you are in very good company.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

So, if life throwing hard things at you, and causing you to struggle mentally and emotionally with all of it makes you a freak, then, my dear lady, you are in very good company.

Thanks, that made me laugh.

I know all that you said about God is true that's why I still believe. I wonder, @FindingMyself88 , if that's how you feel, too.

 

[RussH]

one day, soon I believe, we are going to wake up and see the sunshine in a different light, and we are going to realize that God is with us, and although we will still struggle with our thorn in the flesh, we will know that God's grace is more than sufficient to see us through.

 

[ghotiff]

For the smaller thoughts I use affirmations that turn the thought slightly. Eg if I catch myself saying "I can't cope" I change it to "I can't cope right now".

The bigger ones, I'm still trying to recognize.

 

[FindingMyself88]

Thank you all for your caring post, it means a lot.
@Meadowsweet my T has said something similar too and while I would not treat others as I do myself, I have a hard time still with myself. Maybe it will get easier in time.. I always have that "BUT" reason for why I am different from a friend.
@JEKBreatheandBelieve while I hate you struggle with this too, it helps me to know I am not alone. Yes, I do believe everything that RussH just said, I just have a hard time accepting it for myself. I call myself a failure, ruined, and a mess all the time.
@RussH thank you for the kind words and biblical stories. My T and I discussed today that another of my issues is that because God is always represented as a father figure and quiet frankly, both my parents sucked. I live with the thoughts that if I disappoint ANYONE, even God, they will no longer love me. My T reminded me of the prodigal son story. How the parent was always there, just waiting for the son to return.

I guess my biggest issue is that this past year has really changed me, from the head injury to the rape. I feel like neither of these were worse than what I've already been through, but that I have totally fell apart. My T keeps trying to tell me that I am doing more than I think, BUT (again!) all I can think is I am 25 years old, I haven't worked since the month of my rape, I am not in school because my grades fell below passing, and everyone around me is getting married, having kids, getting degrees and great jobs. Here I am, alone in my room with only Bristol to keep me sane...

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

My T keeps trying to tell me that I am doing more than I think

I have trouble hearing that message for myself, too. Although I am still working and I do have a family and kids, I still feel like I am failing. So it's okay to be wherever you are at this point in your journey. I sometimes long to be at a different point in my life going through all of this. But it is what it is. Just got to keep taking it one day at a time.

 

[RussH]

@FindingMyself88 I heard a minister deliver a message on having trouble with the image of God as father. He talked about children with abusive fathers, and how would not be able to get close to God because of the poor father image their own father presented.
He suggested instead of using Father, to change to Abba, or for that matter come up with your own term of endearment. I don't think God will mind if you find a comfortable "pet" name for him.

 

[Faith Hope Charity]

Hmm. Can I just say, ditto?

It's like I know who He is, and yet, my feelings say something different. Nice to know I'm not the only one struggling with these feelings.

I remember reading in the Psalms and Proverbs about being watchful about the "snare of the fowler" (fowler def as 'professional bird catcher'). The fowler in these verses refer to the evil one, Satan. Another verse calls him the "Accuser of the brethren". From a Biblical perspective, I see Satan as the one who wishes those harm who are precious to God and His children, and the reason why these things happened. This perspective, and the verses I have read, encourage me that despite how I feel, I am His child, and precious to the Almighty. Unfortunately, it's easy to get caught up in either believing the lies, or believing the image that to often occurs in a Church....that all are perfect except me. Now, because of the nature and content of this thread I'm giving myself liberty to say this next part....Salvation is about the fact that all.......yes all........are just sinner's saved by grace, filled with our own imperfections and limitations. It's these limitations, imperfections, and transgressions that we need to brag about, because when we do, it gives us a chance to shine the light on His Glory.

Okay.....I only pointed that out because it's been of GREAT help to me, and realized that I.......yes old broken Faith Hope Charity........has a ministry to those who are less broken by helping them shine the light on the true nature of God and Salvation. We are a VERY important part of the church!

 

[Friday]

I...like....big...buts
And I cannot lie
You other brothers might deny

Another trick is to use your weakness as a strength. Flip it around. Turn it on its ear.

You have a magic word and an ability to see both sides of the fence. Kay. So take that list of 20, add a but at the end of each, and find the strength.

This hit me like a lead brick with a colleague of mine when she came back from parent teacher conferences. This colleague is this enourmously successful woman. In all ways. Amazing human being, devoted mother, wealthy, intelligent, compassionate, just gorgeous inside and out.

So she's being called on the carpet for her daughter's manipulative behavior.

"So you're saying she's got leadership potential."
"No. We're saying that she needs to stop demanding XYZ in return for ABC."
"You mean her approach needs work?"
"No. We're saying she needs to stop entirely, and give freely, instead of asking for things in return."

There was just this blank look on my friend's face as she's telling me this. It was incomprehensible to her that instead of using an innate skill and 'directing it for good' they wanted to squash it entirely.

"Idiots! The difference between a leader and a tyrant is training!"

It's just always stuck with me. The school saw a manipulative brat, a bully. She saw someone who, with direction, could be a charismatic leader. This was 15 years ago or round abouts. Last I heard said girl is in hostage negotiation.