Anyone Here Changed Their Birth Name ...

[NovemberStar]

... and if so, what lead to you doing so, and how has it felt since?

I've thought about it over the years but never got further in the process than having a bit of fun to think of some 'great' names (ie - bit of imagination , and fun, never really any plan it go ahead with it).

Then on the weekend, I began to think about it - only this time it's become a pretty serious consideration of going through with it. I've even printed off the forms, spoken to the agency that deals with the documentation and paperwork and official name changes, and done quite a bit of research into it all. I've also filled out as much of the application as I can. All that is left to do is make an app to get a court appointed official to witness me singing the forms and post it. then just 15 working days later (3 weeks) later it's all done and dusted and I'd have the official documents as well as a brand new birth certificate and would be legally known as the new name. (Then the hard work begins - I have a list two pages long of all the agencies / government departments, lawyers - changing house title, updating my will, drivers licence etc that would have to be done ASAP).

It started with a passing idea on Saturday. By Sunday I had come up with a name. I played with it for a couple of days, coming up with other ideas, but never really faltered from The Name.

I've emailed my T and will talk to her tomorrow in our session if she can think of any reasons as to why I shouldn't do it. I want to dig deep to ensure it's not purely about 'trying to run away' from my past. In all honesty, initially the whole thing WAS very much about escaping the pain I was in (and have been stuck in pretty heavily for the past several weeks with little respite). But it's become more than that. It really doesn't feel like I'm 'running from' but 'moving to'. I know a name change would not change what happened to me. But it somehow feels like a very big and very real, brand new chapter in my life - changing my name would be symbolic of that.

Since all this started my flashbacks have disappeared. My depression has evaporated. My mood has been happy, excited, and whenever I think of my new name, I feel a deep sense of peace. I have flashes if memory form childhood, but instead of the usual FEAR, pain and terror, I feel filled with hope and PEACE.

It's like the little traumatised girl inside of me has an escape - a hope for the future. Usually I feel trapped in my childhood home where most of my trauma happened. But suddenly, the fear is gone and HOPE for a different future is very strong.

I know it's not uncommon for those whose family of origin abused them to change their name in order to 'break away' and take ownership of a 'new life'; it can be very empowering to take control of something so central to our being as our NAME.

I'd like to hear from others who have done it. How did it feel, how long did it take until you felt it was truly 'you', did you receive negative comments, and if so, how did you cope with those?

So far, the only time I feel 'bad' (shame) / have doubts I s when I think 'but what will other people think?!'. If I think only of ME and how much I like the new name, it feels totally right. And like it already belongs to me :).

(For the record I'd be keeping my first name - I'd only be changing my middle and surnames - both of which hold deep significance for me).

I am also aware the reprieve from the PTSD symptoms is likely temporary. I do not think changing my name would 'fix' my PTSD. But it might pave the way forward psychologically - hard to explain but it's how the memories from childhood are very very different when I visualise being the name and the positive things I associate with the name.

 

[ghotiff]

I tried to start a conversation with you, but your inbox was full. Send me a message if you would like.

 

[GWhizz]

I am always considering this, namely because my parent spelled my name very awkwardly though I just think of all the hassle with changing so so many documents, work issues and dealing with people wondering why my name is different. I hate my last name though as it makes me part of a family I do not wish to associate with. Though it's not a good enough reason to take my partners last name - it will happen one day though right now I am just trying to outrun my roots.

I think it's really admirable you're taking this step and thinking it through on all sides. It will be interesting to hear your T's insight on it.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I say go for it. I think the "don't run from your past" thing is overplayed and can keep us in bad situations.

 

[Orglethorp]

I've started the process to change my last name twice, from my father's name to my mother's, and both times the amount of follow up work it'll require has stopped me. If you're ready, do it! Personally, since I have no problem with my first name, I'm just going to wait for marriage at this point. That's coming up in a couple of years now.

 

[Ronin]

I have, safety reasons. It felt like choice. I don't really think it's running from anything - if something, running *to* something, new point in life.

 

[Faerie]

I've thought about it for years, and I'm giving much more serious thought to it right now. I don't have any assets so there's not as much hassle I think, and I'm getting ready to really start over with my life, so I think its a good time. And like Kaia said, it can be a running to instead of away. I've got a name picked and I've started using it online some. That's given me a real good feel for if I like it and how much I "feel" I'm that person. I hold no affinity or connection to my first and middle names, but I'll probably keep my last.

 

[NovemberStar]

@ghotiff I've PM you - I didn't know how to delete my inbox but used a pre existing message from you so I hope it works!

@GWhizz - I've considered the 'being hassled' or questioned by others and my plan would be simply not say why at all. Let them wonder! There is huge appeal in that alone to be honest. I would simply make a joke sharing things like 'well that will always remain a mystery' or 'I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you' and smile. I think a lot of work acquaintances would simply assume I had got married. Those closer to me would know that is far FAR from the truth. ;). Then there's always 'it's a family name' - maybe I changed it in honour of someone I care deeply about who passed away. Honestly, only a very very few would know WHY and the deeper reasons. MIT would be "my little secret". If no one knows for sure why I changed my name - or that I purposefully chose the name I did, few will criticise it. If I told people the truth - 'I made it up' then there might be more room for judgement.

(By the way - I have made it up - my surname I came up with based on something I love, then added a suffix to it because I loved the way it sounded -made it more rhythmical in the way it's said - and it turns out there are very very very few people in the work with that surname. That alone has pro's and con's...).

@Solara thanks - I will be glaring to my T in depth about it today - because it's a pretty big decision I do want to be very sure I won't regret it in a short space of time - I want to know if there is / are deeper issues in this I'm not aware of, in a psychological sense.

@Orglethorp - some people when getting married create a new surname for the family they will start one day. I've come across quite a few examples of that in my research. Or sometimes the husband takes his wife's name. I've met a couple who did exactly that. And of course, from a feminist viewpoint, why would a woman 'want' to give away her name for her husband - but that is another whole thread in itself lol. On the other hand, if he has a 'better' surname, then why not. My sister changed her name to her husbands and it is uncommon (she's the only one with her first and last names in the world according to a google search and it has a nice ring to it, sounding really rhythmical when it's said. Her husband changed his name from his family / birth name - his great grandparents moved to America and americanised their surname - he made the conscious and deliberate decision to go back to his heritage and legally changed his name to follow his ancestors. So both him and my sister have a different family name than his parents and grand parents. Simply by dropping one letter at the end if it - it's even pronounced quite different with different emphasis on syllables in the name, than the rest if his family.

@Kaia - I'm sorry for the circumstances in your name change - do you mind me asking how did you come up with a new name? Was it related to family (ie a great grandparent or similar)? Or a name you always liked? Did it take long to come up with it? Did you need to make decisions as to how you would spell it? How long did it take you to 'get used' to it? Ie - when people called you?

@Faerie - I probably won't change my online names - but I will need a whole new email address since my current one is my full name! And being an uncommon name, I'll likely be able to use it without having to add a series of numbers to it!

For those saying it's a hassle to change it with all the legal follow up - see it as a very KEY part of the entire process. A vital part of the transition, psychologically. It's symbolic in itself. It's reaffirming the new name with every step of the way and every time you tick one more off the list, you're closer to being the new name. For that reason I don't see it as a hassle at all, but a key part of the journey - and something I actually look forward too, it would feel weird if it was simply about getting a piece of paper.
...............

Waking up today, some of the shine of it all has faded - the 'high' is definitely on its way down. I don't see it as a bad thing, as it will enable me to not be as impulsive about it all. After all, a name change is something you live with regardless if your mood. If I don't feel as passionate about loving it when my mood isn't up; if I still love it when my mood is low, then that's evidence it is a good idea, not merely about seeking a up mood.

Do I have doubts? Yes. I don't see that as a negative. I see having doubts as an important part of the process - if I have doubts then at the end if it I will either change my mind altogether OR reaffirm my decision.

So I'm not 100% on it. And that's ok because it's not set in stone!

I see it as very similar to buying a house - if y make a decision you regret then it might cost you a bit financially, and require a lot of legal backtracking BUT - it CAN be undone! Unlike a tattoo I might add.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Feminist thinking can be so skewed. It is completely beyond any feminist to think that a woman would take the name of her husband so that the family could have one name. What's wrong with tradition? Honestly, I think its pointless to say I am going to keep my maiden name for feminist purposes as EVERY surname passed down through the ages has patriarchal ties, so honestly, who are they fooling? Ok, so its just one more level removed that you keep your father's surname instead of taking on your new husbands. Yeah, most feminists don't bother to think THAT far! And I have a family member who TOLD, yes told, not asked, her husband that their children would have her last name. Yeah, nice in theory for feminist purposes, but at the end of the day, people are going to think that those poor kids aren't his and that she was sleeping around. I know what other people think doesn't really matter, but its quite selfish of her to do that to her kids as they are the ones who are going to have to explain it all ad nauseam and God knows there will be some sort of talk. Even more messed up is that she chose to keep the patriarchal family name of the father who abandoned her as a child rather than taking on the surname of the husband who loves her. Yeah, lets throw love out the window and stick to our principles because they are more important. She's so stuck on her principles that she can't see anything beyond the feminist mantra. Its sort of sad that she has such a narrow view of the world. Sigh.

 

[NovemberStar]

@Solara - I'm not saying I agree (or not) I'm merely saying it is ONE viewpoint. :). And SOME women hold and use it as one of their reasons of not changing their surname upon marriage.


Many kids have different surnames within their family - blended families is more common these days. And especially in families where the kids have different fathers - all 3 kids and the mother might have different surnames. I don't think other kids would think much if it to be honest.
As for it being 'skewed' thinking - that is your opinion, but not a fact - because it is a personal viewpoint. Many women might keep their own name due to professional reasons as well. Personally, I see it as none of my business so I don't get all het up about it. But it IS one viewpoint and it IS what some women (and men) choose for themselves. Each to their own I say.

 

[Hashi]

I think its pointless to say I am going to keep my maiden name for feminist purposes as EVERY surname passed down through the ages has patriarchal ties,

I agree with this so much. Although I'm not sure anyone here talked about feminist purposes. Maybe I missed that. But any kind of feminist idea in keeping your birth name (if it was your father's) or taking your mother's name (if it was her father's) seems ludicrous to me. As for taking your husband's name - hello patriarchy and please come in and have a cup of tea!

If you're not bothered about patriarchy/femininism/the historical idea that you now belong to your husband's family (still not to yourself) etc then fine. To me, this is all about choosing that particular scenario and nothing to do with the amount of "follow up work" which is the same. No different following up if you changed your name through marriage than if you choose your name yourself and don't wait for a man to rescue you or whatever the story is. A Deed or other document is equal to a marriage certificate - no difference in the amount of follow up work to change things over. So maybe just own the choice?

Personally I'd rather choose my name myself. Which I did, and survived the follow up just fine.

In response to the original question - one of the best things I ever did. One of the most empowering and healing. I've posted about it elsewhere on the forum.

 

[NovemberStar]

@Hashi - how long have you had yr new name, how did you come up with anew name, was it your whole name or just part of it? How did people receive it / any criticism? How long did it take until you felt it was yr real name?

To those have done it - was it scary? I find I have butterflies sometimes thinking about it - just now for example, I've filled out the credit card details and ordering a new birth certificate and I feel a bit nervous. I was going to phone a court office to make an app to get it witnessed but I think I will wait a bit. Need the butterflies to settle a but I think, before taking the next step. Sometimes it feels too real, I suppose. Guess it means it is something I'm NOT taking lightly!

Spoke to my sister just before - she honestly has no qualms about if I do or not. I thought would be negative but she isn't so that's good. As I told her - if she was anti it it wouldn't stop me doing it, but I would prefer it if she wasn't going to be offended. And I believe her when she says she isn't at all :)