My Therapist Wants Me To Be Angry With Her

[Justmehere]

Sort of.

My therapist has invited me to role play situations with her where she would do or say something that would make me feel angry, on purpose, and then we would work through it.

The whole topic came up when I told her during a phone session I was feeling hopeless and wanted to hang up before I got mad at her inappropriately.

And she told me it's actually important for me to get mad at her sometimes.

I don't really know what to think of this.... She is intentionally inviting negative transference. She says it's gonna happen somewhere, best place for me to work through it is with her. "I can handle it." She even said when she did her own therapy work, she got mad at her therapist, and it was helpful.

I sort of get it, but it seems so scary to try.

We have done exposure therapy work together, and along the way she has said, "maybe you don't like me right now for pushing you to stick with these awful feelings?" I told her I was a little mad at her. So it's been safe to be kinda mad at her already, but this is different. Role playing a trigger is different. And its not just to expose me to the trigger, but to process all the feelings it brings up in my body and to work through new ways of handling it...

She said well, what if I say to you, "I'm right and you are wrong and I just know better than you." She knows me well enough to know that such a flippant remark by a therapist would make me feel irked! Even when I knew she was saying it just to trigger me on purpose. She even said it almost giggling - like quite playfully, really making it clear she really didn't mean it. But it still made me a little mad. I broke down giggling as I told her yeah, that makes me feel a little frustrated.

Then I felt really vulnerable and kind frustrated with whatever we were doing - and I managed to tell her that too.

She then talked about how that's ok, she's not going to leave and the real her wouldn't say that, but we gotta work through it so that when unsafe people say stuff, I don't get so triggered outside the office.

We talked a little about the fear of vulnerability, but it was too much for me to go there.

She even said that when she did her own therapy work years ago, she intentionally got mad at her therapist - she knew it was safe to do so and it was the place to work it through.

It makes sense... or does it?

I don't want to be mad at her. But I want to get better. I'm so confused. Does this sound stupid or possibly harmful to try?

 

[Deleted member 20280]

@Justmehere to my thinking she sounds like she fully understands you and you clearly trust her. My diagnosing therapist was a very shrewd man,

:hug:s

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I agree with @Santa_Laurie , she sounds like she knows exactly what she's doing. Negative emotions are not necessarily bad. I'm struggling with the same thing, but it's important to let those emotions out, too.

I know it sounds weird and scary, but it could really help you. And because you are struggling with showing anger, she is providing you with a safe environment to "train" yourself in allowing emotions like that to be there.

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that holding back emotions works on short term, but it will always come spilling out at the most inconvenient of moments. And mostly in the form of PTSD symptoms that are even more severe than usual.

Good luck! :hug:

 

[Seasounds]

I understand your hesitancy and your wisdom-direct anger usually destroys bridges between people. There are some valuable and rare therapists, that know how to help clients express anger, and the therapeutic relationship will remain intact.

Prior to working with one therapist, I would only cry-if I was sad or angry.

One day, after I started crying, he interrupted me and he said, "Yell (get anger)!
I replied, "Can't you see, I'm sad."

I paused a second, realized I trusted him, and then asked, "Do you really want me to yell?"
He answered, "Yes."

I paused a second time. As I got ready to yell, I heard all the times my parents yelled at me (very daughnting). I knew I'd never be the same, if I yelled; in fact it was like facing my own death-due to childhood experiences. Before I had time to panic, I took a breath, and YELLED!
I lived through it, and found a new freedom.

My therapist stayed solid. "Great work!"
Since that time, I've stayed in touch with him, to express anger-since most other therapists don't invite anger, or are traumatized by anger.

Suggestions:
-Consider to ask you therapist to stop provoking you; this can feel too close to a patent figure, trying to trick you.
Instead, as a starting point, ask your therapist to help you:

• Identify the words you want to say, to someone, with whom you are angry.
• Then, knowing your therapist will hold a safe place for you, play with gradually adding volume to your words. While you do this, you could look at her, or look at a chair, in the room.
• Do take your time. Even though your therapist has good intentions, I'd ask your therapist to respect you boundaries, so you have a sense of control.

It is a whole new world! :)

 

[Peter H]

It just struck me how relevant this is to Lexi in our "Worried Dad" thread. Occasionally I see Lexi miffed by something, but she just goes quiet and withdrawn unable to express her true feelings. I just wish that she'd cut loose and spit the dummy rather than bottle it up. The last time she "lost" it was when her brother apologised for dropping a tree on the roof of her newly renovated bedroom some 18 months ago. He was joking but she was angry at him for days. So, yes, I applaud your therapist for this new venture to help you return to normal responses. I wonder just how common suppressed anger is amongst PTSD sufferers.

 

[scout86]

I think it's an interesting idea an totally makes sense.

One of the things I've noticed, since I started paying attention to what "normal" families are like, is that they can get mad at each other but it's ok. It doesn't mean the world is falling apart, it just means someone's angry and is expressing it. No harm, no foul. I think being able to behave that way would be pretty handy in everyday life an relationships. How are you going to learn it if you don't practice? Where are you going to practice if you're an adult, not a 2 year old?

I also see why the idea is scary. I think that's part of the point. Go for it!

 

[Ghostybear73]

It sounds lot you have a really great therapist. I have the opposite, all I have is anger, which is apparently my defense mechanism, so I am constantly fighting it to let out other emotions, which is encouraged. Opposite emotion is a really good skill and being able to practice it in a safe environment with a therapist you trust is wonderful!

Edited to clarify: I have the opposite problem with emotions, not therapists. :)

 

[Justmehere]

Thanks for the responses and reassurances. I'm typing from my phone so I'll have to respond more later.

The thing is, I generally have too much anger and express it elsewhere too easily... My "fight" part of fight or flight that comes with ptsd comes out verbally. My therapist keeps saying she can handle it...

 

[Leigh925]

My therapist kept telling me that there would be a time that I would get angry with him and I just couldn't imagine it. I would always shrug it off and tell him I didn't think it would happen....mostly because at that time I never let myself feel enough to get angry.

Several months later I actually got angry at him. I was able to express that to him and his response shocked me....:he listened and validated my feelings and then apologized. To be honest I didn't know what to do with that.

He said this is how healthy relationships work. We have had several "growing" opportunities since then and when it was all said and done I grew more in those moments than in other times when I was really trying to work hard in therapy.

He often tells me....that IS the therapy...putting into use what we are learning in sessions.

 

[ghotiff]

My "fight" part of fight or flight that comes with ptsd comes out verbally. My therapist keeps saying she can handle it...

Would it help if you had a plan set up for your T just in case she can't handle it. While I expect she can, for me it would make feel safer if I knew what she would do if I overstepped her personal line. Eg you could agree that she would leave room and that way you know if she hasn't left the room, then she is still okay.

I expect you would need to agree on something that would be a clear message but also not be triggering for you.

 

[BloomInWinter]

The ability to show anger in the moment is a crucial step in establishing our own safety when our boundaries are violated. My therapists have tried to get me to express anger at them, with some success, because I would go into a "freeze" state when angry so I wouldn't get a beating growing up.

That's a neat trick when you're a kid in a crazy household, but it is a terrible liability as an adult living in the real world. Those who freeze are easy targets for bullies, predators, and users.

It's not only ok to get mad and express it, it is healthy to do so. That's how we let people know they've crossed the line.