Undiagnosed Trying To Open Up To Get Support

[Xephyr]

So, a bit about me. A few years ago I went through a very tough time, which included a number of traumatic events. Ever since, I've felt kind of dead inside. After a few months, i started getting nightmares. Lots of things cause me to startle - unexpected noises, people behind me, seeing someone on a dark street, and i get vivid memories about things that have happened. I also get panic attacks, a lot. This evening, I head a noise in the stairwell, and started to feel my heart race. A few seconds later i heard a door closing, and something about the echo in the stairwell reminded me of when my psychopathic meth dealing, meth addicted housemate bringing in her supplier as intimidation. She thought i had stolen her drugs, and was basically threatening me. I edged over to a small dagger i had made when i was into blacksmithing, figuring it could help. Luckily, the supplier was much more logical than that evil shit i lived with, and knew me and my partner weren't users. Turned out, she had left them on her bed.

All that was vividly going through my mind. I knew it wasn't real, but i felt that same panic and unease. I found a knife, checked the door, and locked it. It helped me feel calmer, but I still feel uneasy, and know i won't sleep too well tonight.

The first therapist I talked to i just didn't really click with, however she did say i possibly may have ptsd. I looked into it, and seems to explain everything.

My new therapist i've seen 3 times. So far, she's the first person apart from my partner that i've told. She hasn't mentioned anything as far as a diagnosis is concerned, but i actually feel comfortable around her, somewhat. I dunno. For a while i wasn't really able to fully accept it as a possibility. It made sense, but it felt like i was just making excuses, that it's my own fault that i'm like this now. But i've started to think that maybe it's part of it... i've always had to look out for others at my own expense, and admitting that something is wrong with me is almost too much to bear because i don't want people to worry about me. Maybe i wasn't accepting it because i'd finally have to tell someone that i'm not okay. i need help, because i don't know how long i can take this.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Welcome to the forum @Xephyr :hug:s if you accept them.

Maybe i wasn't accepting it because i'd finally have to tell someone that i'm not okay. i need help, because i don't know how long i can take this.

When I came to this forum I was a shattered mess. Being here has given me a massive insight into just what PTSD and how it affects the sufferer and supported alike. You will, IMHO, not find a better place anywhere on the internet. There are extremely good articles in the vault written by the more senior staff members and members alike that will benefit you greatly.

I wish you total success in your own personal recovery journey. It won't be easy at times, but remember that here on the forum we do understand your situation and are here not only to help ourselves better personally, but we are here to support each other through those difficult and troubling times.

Kindest regards

Laurie

 

[Kefira]

I'm so glad you're seeking help, and that you're looking for the right therapist for you. It can be hard to find a good match sometimes. Some Ts seem not to like giving a diagnosis unless there's a real reason (like for insurance requirement or to make available some support that otherwise isn't possible). Whatever the case, it's okay to not be okay and to ask for help, and I'm very happy for you that you're starting to feel comfortable enough with yourself to be open about your struggles in safe spaces.

Welcome to the forum.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Welcome to the forum, @Xephyr. May you find this a place of encouragement, healing, and support.

I didn't really start to get better until I went to counseling and started working hard on establishing new skills for managing my distress levels, comforting myself, and changing my thought processes that were undermining my feelings of self-confidence and safety. I highly recommend it if it is available to you.

Keep reading, sharing, and being gentle with yourself. It does get better.

 

[Viosinger]

Where you are right now emotionally, the easy startling hits so close to home for me. I went through that in college for years. It eased over time. I still have moments of hypervigilence, but they're spreading out. And my 2nd therapist seems as well to be a much better fit. Glad you found the forum.

 

[intothelight]

@Xephyr Welcome to the forum!

Maybe i wasn't accepting it because i'd finally have to tell someone that i'm not okay. i need help, because i don't know how long i can take this.

Sometimes the hardest thing is admitting you need help, but your therapist will help you get a diagnosis and assist you in finding the treatment that will work for you. PTSD does get better, but it takes time and a lot of work.

 

[Xephyr]

Thankyou all for your support. I guess my main motivation for joining is to actually talk about what happened to me. So far almost no-one knows, and i don't know how to explain to people why i behave the way i do. I figure opening up online is a stepping stone to talking about it in real life.

Most of my life has been difficult. I'm Transgender, and growing up i had all the depression and anxiety that comes with it. I'm also fairly geeky, and was a natural target for bullies... i was socially withdrawn, and managed to spend the last year of high school without talking to any other kid there. Eventually, it was too much to bare, and i came out. I started HRT, and started going to my uni's LGBT group. For the first time since i was 10, my depression and anxiety lifted, and i felt happy.

About 6 months later, i was relaxing on a beach after a long bike ride. I heard a voice, and this drunk guy came up to me. At first he was hitting on me, but at this point my voice was still very masculine, and i couldn't say anything. He got angry, and started pushing me and throwing sand at me. Then he hit me. the next thing i know, i'm waking up with lifeguards around me, and a cop asking me about it.

At first, i shrugged it off. But i still felt shaken... lots of Transgender people die in situations like this. I couldn't stop thinking how badly it could've gone for me. I still felt okay, but i started avoiding beaches and drunk people. They just kept reminding me of what happened, and giving me panic attacks.

A while later, i moved with my girlfriend to sydney. She was studying, and i was working & trying to pursue a career as a musician. The first few months were fine, but then our old housemates had to move out, and we had to get new ones.

The first thing i can remember happening was coming home from work. It was a friday night, and i nearly bumped into 3 huge, muscle-bound drunks on the street. one yelled faggot, and they chased me. I just ran as fast as i could, and all i could think was if i don't get away, i might die.

Another time, i was mugged on the way home. i don't remember it too well... i just remember kicking and running away, getting home then crying.

One night, i was out with friends after work. We met some people at a bar, and ended up going to their place to play some playstation. My friends eventually left, and i was stupid enough to stay around. He started to sexually assault me. Then he found out i'm transgender. The shock gave me time to run out of the building and wrap my clothes around me. I don't remember too much, but he threw a bottle that just barely grazed my head.

But during this whole time, i couldn't say anything. My new housemate was the psychopathic meth dealer i mentioned, and i didn't feel safe in my home. My girlfriend was slowly turning delusional and irrational... supporting her was a full time job. She wasn't functioning at all, and i couldn't worry about my own feelings - she was my number one priority, i had to take care of her.

Eventually all the stress was too much, and i broke down. I had been awake for 4 days straight, working overtime, and not eating anything. I guess i was being self destructive. There was a rental inspection, and i just didn't have anything left in me. I didn't come home to clean up the mess, i just crashed at a friends place and cried. I couldn't take it anymore.

We ended up moving in with my girlfriends parents for a while. I was not coping at all by this point, but i couldn't say anything. My girlfriend seemed to be getting more paranoid and delusional with each day.

After a year my birthday rolled around. It was almost like a disney miracle; for my birthday, my girlfriend seemed to get better. She was the happy, beautiful woman i fell in love with. But that would've been to kind, so she just gets happier, and more excited. One week later, and she had been awake for 4 days and manic. It wasn't like before where she could function fairly normally, this time she was fully in an altered state of consciousness. To me, it seemed like she was constantly on a massive dose of LSD.

So i couldn't talk to anyone. I couldn't let people see how much i was hurting. I had to take care of her. My logic was that i could just distance myself from the pain, keep myself away from my own feelings. Ever since high school, i coped with pain by letting my mind drift far away from what my body was experiencing. Since i could do that, clearly i wasn't too bad, because i had a way to be functional. And if i'm functional and she's not, it's my job to take care of her. But i wasn't really taking care of myself with this... i feel distant and disconnected from my life, because so much of it doesn't feel like it was me living it. It's more like i put up this perfect persona to hide behind.

This might sounds stupid, but i guess i'm posting this because deep down i still don't feel like i deserve to be so messed up. i want to know it's okay for this to affect me so much.

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

 

[joeylittle]

Welcome, @Xephyr. Stories like yours make me want to punch the world, just because no-one deserves to feel like a target all the time, and for transgender people, that is a big issue. You've been through a great deal. Read, post, and I hope you find connection in our community here.