JEKBreatheandBelieve
Diamond Member
Today I had a few challenging things on the schedule.
1. We were going to learn about a staff member having breast cancer. I knew in advance because when I found out someone was sharing "personal information" to the whole staff, I figured it wasn't good and asked my principal ahead of time. She told me about the cancer of this person and that the prognosis was good. I had to decide whether to attend the actual information meeting or not.
2. Out morning staff meeting involved going outside for some group activity learning. For some reason the idea of this fills me with dread and anxiety.
3. I needed to take the bus with 3 classes of elementary kids and go to the pool. The students were having swim lessons. I did not have to swim, but I am supposed to supervise in the locker room. I hate the whole thing.
4. I had to pick my sons up from their daycare, which for some reason fills me with dread every time (usually my husband picks them up).
For most people hearing about a staff worker's illness is worrisome, but it doesn't cause them to react quite as strongly as I do. (And even though the prognosis is good, so was my mother-in-law's until they actually went in to remove it and suddenly she had stage 4 breast cancer and was give 6-12 months to live.) For most people, going outside instead of sitting in a meeting is fun and a nice change of pace. Going to the pool is seen as an easy morning by other teachers because there's no lessons to plan.
I chose to do all of these activities today despite the panic attacks beforehand and the anxiety I knew was coming. I'd like to think that was brave, but I know it wasn't. Brave can mean doing hard things. And these were hard things. But I don't feel brave. Why not?
I don't feel brave because I knew that if I chose to do all three, I would be overwhelmed and have a meltdown or freak out as I like to call them. I don't feel brave because what I really wanted to do was say know to some or all of the above. I even went so far as to ask my principal to be excused from the outdoor activity and though she didn't understand why I would be having anxiety about it, she said yes. But I couldn't stay inside because I didn't want people to see my weakness or to ask questions. I didn't feel like it was really okay with my principal either since she kept asking why. It made me feel like I was just being silly.
After the morning was finally done, I was nauseated, tired, and crying. I hid behind my desk on the floor and wished I could just hide away. I thought about going home, but I decided I couldn't allow myself to do that either. Now I am reflecting and trying to figure out how I figure out what brave is and how to figure out how to take care of myself. Any thoughts?
1. We were going to learn about a staff member having breast cancer. I knew in advance because when I found out someone was sharing "personal information" to the whole staff, I figured it wasn't good and asked my principal ahead of time. She told me about the cancer of this person and that the prognosis was good. I had to decide whether to attend the actual information meeting or not.
2. Out morning staff meeting involved going outside for some group activity learning. For some reason the idea of this fills me with dread and anxiety.
3. I needed to take the bus with 3 classes of elementary kids and go to the pool. The students were having swim lessons. I did not have to swim, but I am supposed to supervise in the locker room. I hate the whole thing.
4. I had to pick my sons up from their daycare, which for some reason fills me with dread every time (usually my husband picks them up).
For most people hearing about a staff worker's illness is worrisome, but it doesn't cause them to react quite as strongly as I do. (And even though the prognosis is good, so was my mother-in-law's until they actually went in to remove it and suddenly she had stage 4 breast cancer and was give 6-12 months to live.) For most people, going outside instead of sitting in a meeting is fun and a nice change of pace. Going to the pool is seen as an easy morning by other teachers because there's no lessons to plan.
I chose to do all of these activities today despite the panic attacks beforehand and the anxiety I knew was coming. I'd like to think that was brave, but I know it wasn't. Brave can mean doing hard things. And these were hard things. But I don't feel brave. Why not?
I don't feel brave because I knew that if I chose to do all three, I would be overwhelmed and have a meltdown or freak out as I like to call them. I don't feel brave because what I really wanted to do was say know to some or all of the above. I even went so far as to ask my principal to be excused from the outdoor activity and though she didn't understand why I would be having anxiety about it, she said yes. But I couldn't stay inside because I didn't want people to see my weakness or to ask questions. I didn't feel like it was really okay with my principal either since she kept asking why. It made me feel like I was just being silly.
After the morning was finally done, I was nauseated, tired, and crying. I hid behind my desk on the floor and wished I could just hide away. I thought about going home, but I decided I couldn't allow myself to do that either. Now I am reflecting and trying to figure out how I figure out what brave is and how to figure out how to take care of myself. Any thoughts?
