[DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/members/gregoryh.27845/"]GregoryH[/DLMURL]
Sometimes they may act like they are pushing others (especially the ones they love and hold dearly) away, but the reality is that they are testing you.
I agree, that when those with a history of trauma detach from another, so to speak., it is often to run the tests you refer to.
But speaking from personal experience, as well as similar experiences shared with me by others with the diagnosis...sometimes it's a legitimate need...to just be alone...to not be forced to communicate, etc etc...and this can come out of nowhere, and last for any period of time...without warning or even any real idea, at the time, when
I will feel capable again of relating to any other, even a loved one. And at such times, I can honestly say that it's better for all concerned, that I do so, immediately. Not that violence is a factor, at all. I've never been violent, whatsoever...but irreparable damage can be done to relationships and others feelings, very easily, when I am in such an "altered state", which I equate with being sent into fight/flight by something...anything, it doesn't even have to be material, or an actual circumstance, or what anyone would consider a "real reason"...my mind just happened to alight on a particular traumatic thought...sounds in the environment remind me of something, etc.
And not only is that obviously a lot to expect from any partner...to be able to take such things in stride, and not personalize them, resent them, attempt to solve them, not see them as some kind of catastrophe and fly off the handle over it, not reassess their opinion of me to that of someone who is "weak", or otherwise inadequate, or handicapped.
One of the most difficult things to explain to a partner...who is obviously concerned, and just wants to do whatever he or she can to help...is that the best way they can help is by leaving you alone, for a while. It just doesn't compute for the average person. It's natural for the loved one to exclaim things such as "but what did I do? I understand why you feel that way about the rest of the world...but why me, too? Doesn't that mean that you don't really love me, if you don't think you can trust me, and don't want me around to help you? All I want to do is help you!"
Needless to say...such an ordeal is not exactly helpful (tongue in cheek)...we're essentially saying (some, but not all of the time)...look, I'm having difficulty maintaining, because of my stress level...and because of my symptoms,
I have a lot more difficulty being overwhelmed by stress at times, often for no real reason at all...and at these times, I just need to be somewhere quiet, and without stimuli, or anybody else I have to think about, at all...because that's stress to, even though you don't think of it that way...and I just need to totally decompress, and need to be alone to do that."
And it's not a non PTSD diagnosed person's responsibility to know everything about the disorder, etc...so he or she is understandably confused...but usually, at these times...we're even too stressed to really be able to communicate very well at all...so we don't tell you. And you just stay confused, and hurt...even moreso, because no real explanation has been forthcoming, about the apparent abandonment.
But I've had to end more than one relationship simply because of this factor. I thought I was ready. I hoped I was ready. But I wasn't ready. And I just had to admit that to myself. Relationships open us up to our feelings...and while it would be nice if only the positive ones came out, as a result....but the fact is, that it doesn't work that way. They come attached with all of the trauma related terrible feelings we've been stuffing and running away from...not for all, but many of us...and I think, those sufferring from "Complex PTSD", especially.
Complex PTSD is a working term now frequently used to identify those whose main symptoms arise from prolonged early childhood abuse, usually in their family of origin...which means that they likely don't have the best associations as far as relationships go, in the first place. The original template for a relationship with a
"loved one" in the parent or parents...often resulted in pain and disappointment and betrayal. And when these are the first bricks laid in childhood...even an adult's conscious intellectual awareness that the same does not apply necessarily to this new, different loved one...can't magically remove a lifetime of deeply rooted expectations, however much we might wish that the magic of love worked in that way.
The best way to support your PTSD diagnosee is to read books on the subject, first of all. And then, to continue to keep in mind that, just because this individual does not have a cast on a limb, or a bandage on the head...that they are no less suffering from a physical ailment, just as physical as any kidney stone or wound. This is the way neurophysiology is affected by extreme stress, and provisions must be made for it to heal, and it can only improve in time...not overnight. And that just as you wouldn't think of dismissing someone with a broken leg, or a kidney stone, for being weak or somehow at fault, or able to magically heal himself instantly...neither can one suffering from PTSD or another related stress disorder.
Glad you've sought help through the forum, and your diagnosee is lucky to have you.
In my opinion, possibly the best way to avoid causing undue stress to your loved one, is to mention early on that you've been looking into PTSD, and understand if he or she needs some time out, to be alone, etc...so not to feel bad about saying so, if they need it. That's just another source of stress, by the way...at least for me...knowing that that is a distinct possibility...that I will need time alone...but then, when attempting to explain why...my attempts will fall on deaf ears, and a fight or simply a sense of rejection by the other party, will result. Often, I've been afraid to tell another this, for fear of losing them, and losing their trust and goodwill...and for good reason, as that's exactly what's happened in the past, many times. It's very difficult for the average person to understand how "I need you to leave now, and to have some time away from you"...could possibly not be a rejection, or message regarding your feelings towards him or her. So likely...he or she has had similar kinds of stressful thoughts, as well...and just being upfront about the fact that you understand, will in itself, reduce a great deal of stress, in my opinion.
