Intense From The Very Beginning

[Deleted member 1860]

@scout86

I guess you're right, that my intensity is a part of who I am. Yes, they do get a chance to know all of me. I am not fake, I do not lie, and I try not to hold back (unless its a symptom, and in that case I am practicing handling things for myself as opposed to laying it all on someone else, which isn't good for any relationship). A guy I dated over the summer said that he loved how I was always real, never fake.

I dated a guy early in the summer. I ended things with him for a number of reasons. The final straw was when his drinking issues triggered me worse than I've ever been triggered, and I couldn't speak for three days. One night he drank so much that he couldn't get up in the morning to take care of his son, and of course when his ex came by and found him, she flipped her lid. This is sort of what happened in my childhood, that my mom didn't take care of my needs because of her drinking. He denies he has a problem. After this happened, I only spoke to him once more, the rest was texting. I'd say alcoholic in denial is a very valid reason for leaving someone.

Had another intense relationship a few years ago. Err, beginning of a relationship. Found out he was an alcoholic and I ended things abruptly.

Another guy was an alcoholic AND narcissist. That one didn't go far.

I seem to date a lot of people with drinking problems? I don't put up with it once I find out the truth. That is, once I find out they have drinking issues, its over.

There is another, but its been on and off for a number of years. I met him when I was at a very rough point in my life. He treats me like crap and thinks I'll still want to be with him. Nope, no not really.

I'm in yet another intense relationship right now. Met him a month and a half ago. We're not together, but not seeing other people, either. I don't know what you'd call that? I'm afraid he's going to get sick of me and move on. Always my fear.

 

[scout86]

I'm afraid he's going to get sick of me and move on

I can relate to THAT!

I seem to have a talent for attracting narcissists, kind of like you seem to attract alcoholics. I think you're doing the right thing by not getting to far involved with someone who has a drinking problem, especially if they don't realize it. With the narcissists, it has occurred to me, finally, that maybe it's not exactly that I do something to encourage them directly, but maybe there are things they see in me that make me a target. For example, if you want to be involved with someone who will let it be "all about you", picking someone who doesn't think they actually deserve anything, including respect, might be the way to go. Maybe? I'm still thinking about that. You know, like a good predator knows to go after the most readily available prey? I can't imagine what an alcoholic looks for in a relationship. My first thought would be "someone who drinks", Maybe what they actually look for is someone who's a safe designated driver?

I think what I'd call your current relationship is "being reasonably careful". And "not rushing in to something". Probably a good idea, really. And, if he's willing to do that, it's probably a good sign. Sometimes those people who are in such a hurry are only trying to get the cage door swung shut and trap you as fast as they possibly can. Good luck with it!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Continued....

I was chatting with a friend of mine and he told me that I could EITHER have intense relationships that fizzle out fast or I could have long, slow building relationships that last. He used the example of people who sleep together from the first night of meeting and then things die out after a month. I need to say I AM NOT A SLUT! When I say "intense from the very beginning" I mean EMOTIONALLY intense. I honestly don't think that having sex with a stranger is all that intense. It just means you give it up easily, and I don't.

So anyway, I don't know any other way to be. If I was to attempt to be less intense, it would amount to game playing. (Hear me out!) I am intense in that I will be in constant contact with someone, texting, talking, etc. Yes, we each still have lives and we live those lives. We just love to have that contact. (The rule is 2 texts without a response and then you lay off until later, so no, I am not text bombing these guys, nor am I annoying them or anything like that....remember they aren't the ones who leave me.) If I was less intense, that would mean instead of replying to a text when I get it, or shortly after I get it, I just let it sit in my phone for hours or days until I say something. (And no, I don't always have my phone on me, so yes, sometimes it is awhile before I actually see the text and respond.) If I was less intense, that would mean I wouldn't pick up the phone when they call, even though I want to talk to them and they have made time in their day to talk to me. (RUDE!) If I was less intense I wouldn't be honest, I wouldn't be quite so real. I would have to hide much of who I am until later. So do you see why all of this amounts to game playing to me? Anything that isn't true to who I am would mean that I am being fake and yes, THAT is game playing!

I don't see this changing. I don't honestly believe that all good relationships start out sloooooow and take an eternity to build. Honestly, I don't have years to invest in someone who doesn't spark my interest from the very beginning. I can be bored all by myself, I don't need someone else to do that for me! (And to be honest, I am almost never bored. I can't even remember the last time I was bored....maybe that gives some insight as to why I don't want to be around boring people, nor do I want to waste time on someone who can't bring it from the beginning when the relationship is supposed to be at its best.)

I'll find someone who is my match, I am convinced of that! I am not going to change who I am because some stupid study (or even public opinion) says that the best relationships start out slow and build up slowly. Such crap. I'm not going to change such a big part of myself! (Because that would involve being fake, and if its one thing I'm not, its fake!)

 

[scout86]

So do you see why all of this amounts to game playing to me?

I totally see why that would be game playing. It's also sort of lying. And I think the fact that you're not willing to do it is a GOOD thing. I think that how the "best" relationships start pretty much depends. People are so different that what works well in one case is surely going to be different from what works in another.

I HAVE met people who turned out to be different, once I got to know them, than I thought they were to start out with. Sometimes good, sometimes not. Not because they were trying to be deceptive, but just because they were more reserved. I've been told that myself.

So, @Solara, do you think you'd maintain that level of intensity in a really long term relationship? I don't see the answer to that as "good" or "bad", just wondering.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@scout86

I think you're right. I dated a narcissist once (ok, one date!) and he ended up dating at least 5 women at the same time, one of whom was his "official" girlfriend. I could tell that he was picking those who had their guard down in one way or another. One was a single mom with 2 young girls. I spoke to her and she was very naïve about the whole situation and couldn't see him for who he was. Another was a woman who had physical limitations and when I spoke to her, she told me about how he tried to take advantage of her. And then there was me, with the identifiable mental disorder. I have no idea about the other women, other than I know they existed.

Would I be able to maintain that level of intensity? Oh heck no! Yes, it is intense at the beginning, but things naturally cool off a bit. I know that I will likely have a higher intensity level than most for the rest of my life, and that's ok. Actually, that's good as it will keep me from getting bored, and it will keep my partner on his toes (in a good way!) The latest guy says he loves how passionate I am about things and that I'm not boring in the least. I know he holds back a bit, and that's ok with me. He wants to bring it just as hard (ok, maybe harder), but he knows I can get scared and so he is a bit more reserved. We have had a few conversations about where things are leading, and while we aren't planning out the future in terms of commitment, we both want to see this through and give it a fair chance to be whatever it is going to be. We aren't ready for a commitment, but at the same time neither of us are interested in anyone else or seeing anyone else. I told him I would be very hurt if he started dating other women, and he told me that we are on the same page. Neither one of us was actually looking for anything. He's got a lot going on in his life right now, and I ended a not so good relationship over the summer and wasn't looking to jump into anything new anytime soon. But, you can't always control when these things happen.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@scout86
I edited my last response to answer your questions!

 

[scout86]

But, you can't always control when these things happen.

No, you can't. And they don't happen all that often, so you'd better take the chance while it's there. (This guy sounds like a potential "keeper". and I KNOW you are!)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Thanks @scout86!

I am hopeful! This relationship does have its fair share of challenges, but I'm not letting that deter me. We both think the other is the greatest thing since sliced bread (ok, maybe a slight exaggeration, but not by much, lol) and I know we want to see where this goes. In some of my past relationships I saw red flags early on but ignored them. With him I don't see flags but know that this will have to be quite flexible and comes with a different set of challenges. But, I know that he is taking a chance on me in that he knows all about my PTSD (an accompanying fears) but that doesn't deter him.

 

[MorningDove]

I am told that I am intense too so I guess that is why I like other intense people. It's not just a novelty-it is what I need in a relationship otherwise things feel flat. I feel like with other intense people, we understand each other on a vibrational level.