The Proper Way To Reach Out. (and Could This Be A Form Of Self Harm)

[Fadeaway]

Every time I reach out, I get slapped in the face. Anywhere but here that it. I don't know where I go wrong.
I have been punished for not reaching out, but when I do reach out it always seems to make things worse.

I have reached out seeking services and help to no avail. I have called suicide and domestic hotlines to no avail.

I have been told to "sleep it off" by a suicide hotline even though I told them my plan. This was followed by a failed attempt that the scar is just now starting to fade to the point I am no longer self conscious about it. More recently I ended up consoling the person on the other end of the suicide hotline because I woke them up.

A recent conversation with the domestic violence hotline went like this.

Them ~Domestic Violence hotline, are you safe?
Me~ No, I don't feel safe
Them ~Call back when you are safe
Me~ I mean, I am not in immediate danger...
Them ~ call back when you are safe ok.
Me~ Fine! I am safe (said quite frustrated)
Them~ CLICK

For as long as I can remember I have never been able to figure to how to reach out for help or even comfort. I have yet to be successful out side of here, except for a few rare occasions. Because of this I have gone years with out reaching out for help, but lately it feels like a compulsion to reach out. I feel a panicked need to reach out.

The thing is I suck at it and I am always rejected, so could my desperate attempts at reaching out be a form of self harm, knowing that my failure to successfully achieve any form of help will cause pain?

I wish I knew what I was doing wrong. Most recently on top of the hotlines I have spoken with Dr.s and spiritual advisers (that is pretty desperate imho since I hate religion) along with domestic violence groups. What I am requesting is information about local resources and someone to talk to.

 

[sun seeker]

Ouch. That's outrageous. I don't know if people get paid to answer hotlines but whoever you got should be fired in my opinion. That's like phoning 911 and being told to call back when the emergency is over!

I have no way of answering your question about what if anything you are doing wrong. From what I gather there is a wide variety of responses people get from hotlines, some helpful and some not. I haven't called them very much myself (as on a recent thread, I'm one of those people who tend to retreat when things get really bad), but have tried them a few times. The last time actually had some things in common with your situation as I understand it. I was trying to get information on local safe houses. I needed one for that night. It was a weekend. The information wasn't easily available in the local phone book and I was in a state of shock and needing to figure something out before a certain person arrived home. The person on the crisis line wasn't very helpful or informative, though nothing like what you are describing. What actually did end up helping was when I called a women's shelter in a nearby town and asked for help figuring out what to do. The woman I talked to was very empathetic and helpful and told me who to call next and asked me to call her back to let her know how it went and that I would be okay for the night. On the Monday I was able to get in touch with the safe homes program through the local community services society.

I don't know whether you've tried any of that yet. If not, could you give it a try? It sounds like you do need some help to be safe in the immediate future, and here it is Friday night. Personally, I'd be tempted to scream at the person on the hotline until they took me seriously, but I can see you might not want to do that.:-) Good luck and let us know how it goes.

 

[Eagle3]

That really sucks. It took me a long time to be able to ask for help without a full-blown panic attack, but its become easier over the years. Not by much, but still a little progress. I've never called a hotline before, even if I really should have, because I was afraid of just the responses you listed. I get that everytime i ask for help from doctors or other people. I'm so used to being rejected that now, when I actually do get some help, I'm surprised by the fact that someone wants to help me! I don't know how to respond to that, and wind up putting a brave face back on.

just keep trying, even if you keep getting those doors slammed in your face. Eventually one door will open, and you'll get the help you so desperately need and deserve. :hug: if you'll take it..

 

[scout86]

so could my desperate attempts at reaching out be a form of self harm, knowing that my failure to successfully achieve any form of help will use pain?

It doesn't sound to ME like you're doing anything wrong. I actually can't imagine what a "wrong" way to ask for help would be. You're supposed to be the one who doesn't know what to do, THEY are supposed to have the resources to help you problem solve. Sadly, it sounds like they need help as much as you did! That isn't your fault.

The only thing I can think to suggest is to contact some of these places, before you have a crisis, outside their crisis line and ask THEM how you're supposed to ask for help. I'd be willing to bet that the people in charge have no idea how inadequate their "help" is on the front line. (Why would you call a domestic abuse hotline if you were SAFE, for crying out loud???)

 

[Fadeaway]

The big thing is that it is a repeat issue. As many times as this has happened, it is hard not to believe that the problem lies with me.

I am not in danger at the moment but bu tit does leave me feeling extra vulnerable.

 

[Philippa]

Yes, I'm not surprised about the suicide hotline fiasco...how terrible though!

They are mostly volunteers who receive only the minimal amount of training, as not many people are willing to do the job. I'm sorry you had that experience, and I relate a lot to what you've said about being rejected all the time. It's pretty much the same as what I went through all during my 20's and thirties actually. No wonder I have such trouble reaching out to people. I also have a horror suicide reach out story that was just unbelievable.

Not only did my own mother not believe me, and thought I was faking it to get out of work...she actually yelled at me in the car on the way to the mental health assessment centre while i was suicidal and just hours earlier wanted to throw myself in front of a bus, and told me I was lucky she didn't make me take the bus and that I had interrupted her packing schedule (they were moving house)...but when i did get there and had to go in alone, ,as she refused to go in with me...the guy just told me "you need to accept yourself" and sent me on my way! He looked like he was more interested in going and having a smoke and a coffee outside!

We're so used to being mistreated, rejected and people just not being very helpful that there is not much incentive to want to...and it makes perfect sense not to when you think about it that way! That's how sad the world is and how inept so many people really are. No wonder I hated people.

I was rejected SO much, I cannot even count the number of times someone treated me like I was a freak or withdrew from me or told me to my face that I was somehow ruining their day or just not receiving adequate care. It's completely understandable that you would hesitate now.

Thankyou for starting this thread though. This is really moving stuff for me, and I've really needed to discuss this for a long time with someone. I'm surprised I never brought it up here but I guess it goes to show just how deeply entrenched that fear of further rejection was or just how normal it's become to almost expect unhelpful responses...even after all these years of consistent support and empathy here. Sad really that this is the effect of peoples ignorance and just plain thoughtlessness.

 

[Seagreen]

I am afraid to reach out too and don't really know how. Let me know if you figure it out and i'll do the same.

 

[Chava]

I have a super hard time reaching out too. I am really sorry you happened to reach such duds on the hotlines...sounds totally unhelpful and pretty irresponsible on their part. I have one friend who can be supportive in a crisis but I hate bugging her because I feel like it's so one-way...she never needs my help, so I feel like a leach, even if I barely ever see her.

Part of my trouble is recognizing what I need and finding a way to ask for it. I think I'm very bad at that...lots of stuff to sort out with this issue. I have struggled to recognize my needs, I haven't had much practice reaching out or asking for help, and when I do I am often too vague or careful because I don't want to feel shot down. So sometimes I'm dropping hints without being clear. My therapist thought I was complaining about stuff once when I thought I was screaming for help (this was via e-mail between appointments). So I just felt like more of a piece of sh*t.

Anyway, I'm trying to look at it less as my total personal failure, or like I really am a worthless piece of crap, but all these struggles to reach out in a meaningful way probably have more to do with old fears and also skills I have poorly developed...but I try to work on. It's hard when there's a real crisis because the pressure to not feel abandoned with it or rejected is too great. For me, part of self-injury is about feeling like I can "take care" of myself...I can manage the intense feelings, I can contain myself and don't have any needs or don't need anybody. It's not a good thing, but a last ditch response. I'm still working at reaching out...takes lots of isolation between my attempts to feel okay with it. Don't give up and don't beat yourself up. Also, it's hard to do, but try not to add all experiences together and tell yourself you can never reach out or that it never works. That's a horrible feeling. I relate to that. But I forget that once in a while it works...and that it's something I can keep working on. It's really hard though. I tend to isolate myself in general and then when I'm in crisis and most vulnerable I don't know how to get support. Sums up a lot of my challenges.