Where Do You Find Courage To Open Up?

[Cool Cat]

Where do you find the courage to open up, let your defence mechanisms slide and talk 100% openly about what is going on or what has happened?
I'm trying to find this courage.

 

[Justmehere]

I have no courage, just fear. My fear is hat my symptoms will get the better of me, or that my finances will run out, so I better tell her before something worse happens. Miya horrible logic.

My therapist also does a lot with me to help me feel safe - that helps me feel less scared of her and more scared of my PTSD.

 

[WildWood]

In my case it was desperation and an anger at the fallout from carrying it all 'alone'. It genuinely got to a point where the consequences of not doing so were stacking up so high that the 'shame' / 'embarrassment' of bringing down the walls and reaching out were small by comparison.

If you can mentally split the things you will have to say, the terrible realities you will open up about from the beautiful person that is inside (the one that would never have chosen this shite), you can survive any amount of opening up. Don't expect it to feel comfortable - it won't - or for quick fixes - there aren't any - but it IS worth while.

And keep those you trust near. Let them know you are doing this and give them updates. If they care, they will be thrilled for you and with you.

 

[Cool Cat]

that my finances will run out, so I better tell her before something worse happens.

Same...I am just like that often. I am always so afraid I won't be able to afford therapy.

If you can mentally split the things you will have to say, the terrible realities you will open up about from the beautiful person that is inside (the one that would never have chosen this shite), you can survive any amount of opening up.

That's a really good idea.

The 'worst' of the 'abuse' I went through was emotional and physical. And yet, it's the few kinda 'sexual harassment' things that I have the most problem opening up about. Even though definitely by comparison, the years of emotional and physical things were worse. I suppose it's in a lot of cultures that anything sexual is taboo.

 

[shimmerz]

Slowly.....ever so slowly. Benign things at first. That was how I did it.

 

[Suzetig]

Mi with @shimmerz, little bit by little bit. Looking back is an see I spent a lot of time building and then testing the relationship, would give a bit, let it settle for a week or two and then pick back up again. Tell some of easier stuff first, I found it slightly easier to give headlines ("I was beaten by Y, raped by X") and then thinks about unpicking the impact of me. To give an idea, I first told her about childhood stuff in headline form in early August and am only now able to start talking in more detail about how I feel about myself as a result. I'm in a fortune position to be able to afford private therapy so I can take my time - otherwise I'd never do it.

 

[shimmerz]

Any therapist who is worth visiting will watch carefully for dissociative behaviour and not allow you to speak 'too much'. I was not allowed to speak of certain things and my t watched me like a hawk.

If they don't catch that they are pushing you too much but you are having abreactions I suggest you ask them to slow it down. If they don't slow it down then I suggest you get out and find someone more qualified..

 

[Cool Cat]

@shimmerz I don't get what you mean? could you explain a bit more?

 

[shimmerz]

Well, I think what I am trying to say is that we can't always talk 100% openly because it may cause reactions that we suffer through for a period of time while we process it. Many of us dissociate as well and our therapists should be trained enough to know how much you and your body are able to speak about - so as not to push too much.

Not sure if that helps in the explanation or not @Cool Cat. I hope so, but please let me know if you need further clarification.

 

[Cool Cat]

@shimmerz oh okay I think I get you now, so as to say that if I go in tomorrow and open up 100% and leave nothing out it might do more harm than good? Like pushing myself too far?
And whats the advantage of watching for disassociation? I think mine does that. He certainly doesn't push me to talk, that desire comes from me.

 

[shimmerz]

And whats the advantage of watching for disassociation?

Dissociation is an alert for the therapist to see whether they have touched on something that has you 'disconnect'. Too much disconnection can lead to immediate dysfunction or delayed dysfunction. Dysfunction can lead to bad things happening that can range in severity from person to person. The idea of a good therapist is that they keep within what they call a 'window of tolerance'. The more damaged a person is the smaller the window of tolerance.

So for instance, I am not damaged when speaking of xyz so we can talk about it all day long. I am damaged about abc. You may be damaged about xyz and not abc. The therapist finds your window of tolerance given whatever is being spoken about by watching to see if you show signs of dissociation.

So when speaking - go slowly and the therapist may pick up on something you say and explore it a tiny bit more to see if they see signs of dissociation. if they do, if they are responsible, they back right off and change the subject.

Does that make more sense?

 

[survivornotavictim91]

I still haven't fully opened up, only to a few people at a time. I'm more afraid of what will happen to me if I let it fester mentally than let it out. It took years for me to tell close friends and family what I've been through. Even my dad doesn't know and really only my boyfriend is the only one who fully knows the extent of my abuse. I fear people will look at me, judge me, forever see me with the label "victim" written over my forehead. But I know if I keep it inside it'll eat away at me and I'll go into another full blown spell of depression where I spend every day in a fog and feel hopeless and empty. The last one lasted two years and it was the first time in my life I ever seriously entertained suicidal thoughts. I never attempted, thank God. But I never want to go to that place again, it was like having a demon following me everywhere I go. Which is why I open up to close friends and family just a little more each time because the more I talk about it, the more I feel relieved and less likely to go back to that dark place. Even now some days I walk the line. Some days are harder to get out of bed than other and I find myself questioning the point of things out of the blue. I can shake myself out of it by reminding myself how much people care. I can't afford therapy and there aren't many resources in my area for abuse victims. So if there's any advice I can give from my experience it's to remember that people love you and want to help, and to go at your pace. Sometimes keeping it in only does more damage than telling someone.