How to find courage to ask

Elsewhere

Learning
@jch, if you haven’t already, you may find the book by Pete Walker, Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving helpful. That‘s where I learned about the Inner Critic. At first I thought the whole concept sounded kinda goofy, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized how much I was plagued by an inner voice of sorts that seemed to regularly attack me—picking me apart in all kinds of ways and bringing me down. I still have problems with it, but understanding what it is, and that it’s a very common CPTSD symptom, has helped some. There’s other useful stuff in that book, too. He really gets it, IMO
 

jch

Learning
I can relate to that alot. You (we) get so used to abuse that we do it to ourselves. Haha!!! 😂 you've got to laugh at how our brain works! When my mind is like that I try to say positive affirmations to myself.
I tried doing some positive thinking. Every time I had a bad thought I stopped and tried to change perspective to a positive view. After about a couple of days gave up. When I would try this I usually ended up feeling worse, because I would instantly get screaming thoughts about being pathetic, and "fake". It doesn't sound all that bad when I type it, but when you have to fake being normal around everyone all the time makes me super depressed that I would be "fake" to fool myself. It like my head twists anything that might help in some small way in ammo. I guess that's what led me here. I don't even have anywhere to get away from it. I'm already getting all kinds 9f thoughts and emotions about being unimportant, and pathetic for crying about my problems on here.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
I tried doing some positive thinking. Every time I had a bad thought I stopped and tried to change perspective to a positive view. After about a couple of days gave up. When I would try this I usually ended up feeling worse, because I would instantly get screaming thoughts about being pathetic, and "fake". It doesn't sound all that bad when I type it, but when you have to fake being normal around everyone all the time makes me super depressed that I would be "fake" to fool myself. It like my head twists anything that might help in some small way in ammo. I guess that's what led me here. I don't even have anywhere to get away from it. I'm already getting all kinds 9f thoughts and emotions about being unimportant, and pathetic for crying about my problems on here.
Try not to be too hard on yourself. It's perfectly normal to have thoughts and feelings. No one here will judge you. Or invalidate your feelings.
 

jch

Learning
@jch, if you haven’t already, you may find the book by Pete Walker, Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving helpful. That‘s where I learned about the Inner Critic. At first I thought the whole concept sounded kinda goofy, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized how much I was plagued by an inner voice of sorts that seemed to regularly attack me—picking me apart in all kinds of ways and bringing me down. I still have problems with it, but understanding what it is, and that it’s a very common CPTSD symptom, has helped some. There’s other useful stuff in that book, too. He really gets it, IMO
Thank you. I'll have to read it. What is CPTSD? Is that different from PTSD? I haven't been diagnosed with anything as I haven't confessed any of this before. I just say I have PTSD because it's pretty obvious to me. The most I've had to nerve to say to my doctor was I was depressed. I even lied about how bad it was. She asked me about suicidal thoughts, which I lied about because I was scared. I also think she wouldn't understand that I've those thoughts all the time since before I was a teenager. I'm sorry. Every time I write on here, it just seems like I'm rambling on and on. I usually I don't talk to anyone. Even now my mind screams that I'm embarrassing myself. That there is no reason someone would actually care. That people are just acting nice to take advantage of me in some way. I know it's not true. I don't get it. It makes me just feel broken and worthless. Again I apologize for all of this pathetic rambling.
 

jch

Learning
Try not to be too hard on yourself. It's perfectly normal to have thoughts and feelings. No one here will judge you. Or invalidate your feelings.
Thank you. I don't really know how to explain it, but I wish the emotional part of my brain would line up with the intellectual part of my brain. Its too hard to know that something isn't true, but honestly "feeling" like it is.
 

jch

Learning
Complex - Ptsd means you've had multiple traumas.

What's your support network like? Family/friends/therapist?
This is the first time letting this stuff out. Family is big part of the problem, I don't even have any insurance to pay for a therapist even if I was able to bring myself to talk to someone. For friends, I have like 3, and I would rather die than bring this stuff up. They are all like 10 years younger than me. I'm not that close to them. I find any excuse to not go over there, and hang out because I still feel uncomfortable around people. They get it. They wish I was like that, but they don't give me crap about it.

What do you mean "that something isn't true*?
Meaning I understand that my brain distorts things, but there are still negative emotions backing up these thoughts. So I might know my head is twisting things, and I can see that's its twisted and incorrect, but feels true. I'm no sure how to explain this.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Ok I understand. Abuse can cause long lasting mental health issues. We call those cognitive distortions. They are a pain in the arse!!! It's good that you can recognise that they aren't true. But I understand that they can be overwhelming.
 

jch

Learning
Ok I understand. Abuse can cause long lasting mental health issues. We call those cognitive distortions. They are a pain in the arse!!! It's good that you can recognise that they aren't true. But I understand that they can be overwhelming.
It just seems that I'm losing control of my emotions, and it's been making me freak out a little. There has been a few times I've had to hide at work because I'd start crying with no reason why. Sometimes I get these strong fits of rage, but the brunt of it is directed at me. That's usually when I do things I not proud of. It's taking a lot of effort to just talk about this stuff on here. I don't think I could ever be strong enough to talk to someone face to face about it. Bringing down protective walls to talk about this stuff also exposes things I try to shove in the background of my head. When I analyze my thoughts and behavior things quickly spiral into a deep and numbing depression. I've had to call into work several times because I could force myself to care enough to get out of bed. I don't know. Everything is jumbled and confusing inmy head. I feel like everything is so much harder for me. There are worse things that I doubt I would ever be able to put into words out of fear. I'm just afraid all the time. Even when I'm by myself, and it's really wearing me down to where I don't want to fight anymore. I just feel tired.
 

Elsewhere

Learning
It just seems that I'm losing control of my emotions, and it's been making me freak out a little. There has been a few times I've had to hide at work because I'd start crying with no reason why. Sometimes I get these strong fits of rage, but the brunt of it is directed at me. That's usually when I do things I not proud of. It's taking a lot of effort to just talk about this stuff on here. I don't think I could ever be strong enough to talk to someone face to face about it. Bringing down protective walls to talk about this stuff also exposes things I try to shove in the background of my head. When I analyze my thoughts and behavior things quickly spiral into a deep and numbing depression. I've had to call into work several times because I could force myself to care enough to get out of bed. I don't know. Everything is jumbled and confusing inmy head. I feel like everything is so much harder for me. There are worse things that I doubt I would ever be able to put into words out of fear. I'm just afraid all the time. Even when I'm by myself, and it's really wearing me down to where I don't want to fight anymore. I just feel tired.
I truly relate to every single thing you wrote here ^ It’s almost freaky.

For my part, it turns out I basically lost my ability to function adequately in the workplace, and my symptoms were really going haywire, so I ended up retiring “early”. I have been engulfed in shame and depression ever since. I have a tiny handful of ppl I interact with one-on-one whom I’ve been able to share some of my stuff with, but honestly, I’m mostly buttoned-up. (Had a really jarring therapy saga in that retirement timeframe, too, so I’m a bit therapy-averse for the time being.) Most ppl don’t know what I’m dealing with (and therefore end up assuming the worst about me because, despite my best efforts, I tend come across as...abnormal, in certain ways—and ppl do notice...). I’m so tired of feeling judged and ridiculed... And yeah, I feel lots of fear, too [wow, it sure does feel weird to be so vulnerable]

Anyway, I won’t blather on anymore about myself, but I wanted to paint a bit of an image for you, just to reiterate that I hope you’ll not feel too alone in this. It’s a hellish quagmire, indeed
 

Teasel

MyPTSD Pro
So pleased you've written about it here, must be so hard to do I'm sure I relate to quite a bit of what you say too. Welcome to the forum, I hope you'll be able to write about everything here.

I think you might find Pete Walker's site really helpful, here's his page on the inner critic. Check out his pages on emotional flashbacks too.

Also, an exercise you may find very useful when your emotions get too much is the dropping anchor exercises based on Acceptance and Commitment therapy. You can listen to them free here
 
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