What Is Dissociation?

[Wounded Scribe]

I am not really familiar with the symptoms of Dissociation. I know, it was manifested in my life in my childhood. What I don't know, is it something I do today? I don't feel as if I am out of my body, unless a flashback is associated with this feeling. I do have multiple moments in a given day, where at random, I find some focal point, and zone out for several minutes. No thoughts. My brain is just on idle, or it's in sleep mode. I see other members mention they were disassociating, and I can't relate because I am not sure if it's ongoing. I would like to become more familiar with it, so I can share this with my therapist and my Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner.

Thank You as Always.

 

[ashley m.]

I disassociate myself all the time I had to start a journal of my thoughts and feelings and what I like just to remember things about me. If you think you dissociative maybe try to write down those things one day and two days later go back and see if you can remember those thoughts and feelings my case is very bad I couldn't remember any of my life any milestones any interests I had. And I do "space out" I haven't found when I'm dissociating myself though I donit often

 

[Wounded Scribe]

Thanks for sharing Ashley. I think, I just don't know about it to recognize it. I do know, I did it when I was a child, and teenager, but I am not doing those things, today. I do know, as a teen, I would no loner feel apart of my body to escape the abuse I was going through as well as the violent trauma I survived. The trauma, was happening to someone else.

The things i feel today, are happening to me. What I am living with is: short term memory loss and those zoned out, my brain is asleep, though I am awake moments that happen several times an hour. A few years ago, from what I can recall, I never experienced them. I was also, gainfully employed and successful at what I was doing. The overall symptoms of PTSD got severe two years ago, and within the last 6 months the short term memory loss, zoned out spells, shakes, sense I am being electrocuted, brain zaps, and flashbacks have gotten more acute in nature.

 

[WillyKat]

I think what you're describing as zoning out, brain asleep, memory loss, etc. is what is known as dissociation.

What happens is that the part of your brain that typically records the sounds and visuals of events (and which later gets stored as memory) is functioning at a reduced level. At the same time, the part of your brain that handles fear, emotion, and deals with danger is operating at a much higher level. This latter part doesn't do a very good job of recording events (if at all) but does retain the fear, or anger, and all the anxiety.

That's why you often don't remember these things, because the system that records memory ain't working so well while the fear/emotion system is in control.

Check the articles section here on the forum and elsewhere on the internet for information on grounding and mindfulness. And remember to breathe. We take it for granted, but we often forget to breathe deeply. Doing so keeps your brain functioning, reduces anxiety, and may help the right brain systems to function at the right times. Savvy? It take much practice, but try to think of the daily stresses in life as waves and try to imagine yourself as the world's best surfer. Stay on top; keep the waves below your board as much as you can.

Hope that helps.

 

[Cool Cat]

Great thread! I would love to understand disassociation too. To my understanding, it's when you 'space out'. But also stuff like being forgetful, I think?

 

[WillyKat]

Depends on what you mean by forgetful. Forgetting inconsequential things like where you put your car keys, no. If you forget significant segments of time, or significant social events, maybe. Drove an hour to work but didn't remember the drive…all too common and probably not dissociation.

Yes it could be spacing out, but then again maybe you're just deep in thought. There is also the kind of dissociation that comes in trance states or deep concentration or meditation. It's a very complicated subject area.

The upshot is that if you zone out, space out, or go elsewhere during something that frightens you or triggers you, then you're talking about the dissociation that's involved in PTSD and other disorders.

That said, it's important to know that dissociation is natural and what biologists would call adaptive. It's part of the fight or flight reaction, or rather, there should be three things: fight, flight, dissociate. It's adaptive because when we're unable to flee or fight, dissociation may just help us live through the event, live another day. So its not a bad thing at all. It can become a problem if the event is never processed through talking, or therapy. It gets bottled up, the fear and anxiety becomes a normal state. Then its a problem.

 

[Wounded Scribe]

Thank You @WillyKat for that explanation. I see it used frequently here, and I've never been able to relate because I didn't know what it was.

I do know, it happened in my childhood, and the night I experienced the violent trauma.

In my childhood, my mother left when I was 4 years old. When she left, she took all of her family with her. I had no further contact with aunts, uncles, grandparents. I know, I was severely despondent over this from the time I was 5 until I moved out of on my own as an adult. I can remember, all of her family. Grandparent's, aunts, uncles, and even the little collie my grandparent's had as a pet. I remember the smell of their house and the manicured lawn. I remember where my grandmother worked and I remember visiting her. I can remember my father during this time. However, a couple of years ago, I had what I thought was a bizarre realization: When it came to certain memories, I am alone. I am riding in a car, eating dinner, bathing, playing in a park, riding in a grocery cart at the grocery store, and walking through a mall. But, there in everyone of these memories, there isn't one adult except, the extras that fill the background of our daily lives. I am alone. I remember my father in these moments, but I can not remember anything about my mother. What she looks like, sounds like, or any of her mannerisms.

I know, dissociation happened the night the trauma happened because it wasn't happening to me. I remember falling into severe shock and I started doing things to survive, but it was all very mechanical and I was on auto pilot. I forget everyday little circumstantial things, but I do lose focus awareness many times through the day. I feel I have to work to maintain focus or if I don't, the lights fade for a few minutes. I wasn't sure if this were an example. I have enough on my plate dealing with known issues with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder I won't spend a great deal of energy trying to sort this one out.

 

[joeylittle]

Drove an hour to work but didn't remember the drive…all too common and probably not dissociation.

Actually, this is one of the most common examples given to describe dissociation.

Everyone dissociates - the example above is one that most people can relate to. Walking into a room and not remembering why you went in there - that's another. Dissociation becomes problematic when it begins to disrupt your daily life. If you set out to drive to work and discover yourself an hour later back in your own driveway and don't remember how you got there - that's a disruption. If you lose time during an active period; that's disruptive. Losing time while you are sitting reading a book, not necessarily disruptive.

Dissociation when tied to trauma can also result in emotional distancing, "detaching" from the present. That can be very disruptive when its happening in environments you are meant to be paying attention in.

I think a key element in understanding your own dissociation is being aware of when you actually can control it and when you can't. I can park my car and zone out for five, ten minutes before I go inside. I know it's happening because I'm afraid of the inside of my home. But - I can stop myself from doing it as soon as I notice that it's happened. So for me, that's not disruptive, just something I need to be aware of. Whereas once in therapy I kind of floated away and didn't come back for hours after. That was disruptive and I couldn't control it.

 

[Wounded Scribe]

Yes @joeylittle . I did laundry for my little boys two weeks ago. I forgot I did it, lost the laundry. I just lost my wallet, for good this time. It happens weekly, but this time, I fear I put it somewhere, I'll never find it. Today, I had to go out and invest in a wallet with a chain, so my wallet is on a leash. I have to carry a daily planner because I forget. I struggle to complete sentences anymore, the words seem to fade away. I am trying to talk to my wife, and half way through, I can not remember at times, what it was, I wanted to say. I didn't know if these were symptoms problematic with PTSD or just me?

 

[joeylittle]

I struggle to complete sentences anymore, the words seem to fade away. I am trying to talk to my wife, and half way through, I can not remember at times, what it was, I wanted to say.

I also have these symptoms when my depression is flaring up. But it's more like fighting through mud; I find dissociation (for me) feels more....foggy? vacant? But I know part of my problem is that I don't mind dissociating. It actually is so much less painful. The problem (for me) is that I don't care about anything when it's happening. I've come near to hurting myself very badly while dissociating.

Do you know if you are depressed? It could be related. But yes, I think what you are describing could easily be explained inside of PTSD. An interesting question for yourself would be, was there some sort of trigger than you can remember right before the chunk of time or thought that you "lost". Anytime for me that I hit a saturation point with addressing some aspect of my trauma, that's when I can't seem to stop myself from going away. It's different (again, for me) from intrusive memory/flashback triggers.

I'm curious how others experience this also.

 

[Kintsugi]

@joeylittle your explanation of dissociation is consistent with my understanding of it, and that was a very well-written explanation.

@Wounded Scribe , I am an extremely absent-minded sort of person aside from the periods of time in my life when I've been particularly prone to dissociation. I set a timer for almost ever step of a cooking process where I might be out of the kitchen for just a minute, because I've set too many pots of water to boil or something to simmer and completely spaced it out, coming back 20 minutes or more later. I am famous for forgetting wallets or other extremely important possessions places. I also tend to do things like pay for something and leave it at the counter (even if just one item), or I'll let them ring it up and then pick it up to walk away, forgetting I haven't paid for it. Mostly I try to make fun of myself for it and just accept it as a part of me, but I have always had my suspicions that it was related to PTSD, although not itself presenting as a full blown dissociative episode/experience.

My experience of dissociation is marked by the impression that I am incapable of moving. Sometimes I am aware I am dissociating and simply feel as if hypnotized and falling deeper and deeper into a numb trance, sometimes I completely lose time altogether and have no idea how long I've been frozen before (the latter is rarer).

I also experience derealization, in which I can move, but everything feels intensely surreal, and I don't really feel like I'm actually there at all. Hard to describe, really.

 

[Wounded Scribe]

Today, I may have experienced it? I had to give blood for blood work. It's been maybe 6 years since I last gave blood, and certainly before the symptoms became so incapacitating. I'm already sensitive to sensations on my skin, I can't handle the feel of a cool breeze, while under any sort of distress. So here I am in the a room, which bears the resemblance of a hospital emergency trauma room. There are a dozen others getting their various blood work done. My insides feel like they are coiling up like a spring. I sit down and remove the jacket I wear, everywhere to protect my skin. I'll wear it inside of the house on days I feel my skin is extra sensitivity to the breeze. The breeze hit the skin, and I felt as if it were below zero and as the lab tech started pulling tubes and other tools to draw the blood, I swear, the room started morphing before me. The ceiling elongated and the room started changing tone, and color. I felt as if I were going to get sick. I knew, if I felt a drop of blood on my skin, or smelled it, I would have passed out. I excused myself, and went back out to the lobby and asked my spouse to join me. She took one look, and knew what was going on. She sat next to me, removed the bottle of Essential Oil, I carry with me as my way of reminding me, it's not happening again.

The flashbacks, are violent, and happen seemingly at the speed of light. They are just, there. No warning. BANG...it's happening. This business of watching the room literally transform itself into THAT trauma room, was surreal. As it was happening, I felt dizzy and very uncomfortable. I felt goosebumps and that electric charge running through me, and it scared me. All of this scares me. I don't know where the bottom is. I am working at trying to get out from under the symptoms and have a better grasp on it, and not the other way around.

Don't know, maybe today wasn't dissociation, and more in lines of the psychotic features of this marvel we live with?