So Frustrated With Therapist!

[GettingBy]

I've been offered 15 therapy sessions & I've already had 7 so far.
Most of these sessions have been spent in silence as I shut down when things get difficult. I find it hard to talk about my problems. So my sessions consist of me staring at the floor whilst my T stares at me occasionally asking questions. I HATE THIS! I feel so pressured to say something & when I do, I beat myself up because I feel like it's not the "right" thing.

I wrote down my trauma for my T to read last week - only because I felt that she was getting bored of me. She touched on the fact that she wanted to talk trauma with me last time but again I shut down. I've only have 8 weeks left of therapy & we're going nowhere.

How do I make the most of therapy?
It's ending soon & I'm not making any progress.

 

[Rumors]

I think you just have to make a decision that you want to feel better more than you want to stay status quo. I completely understand the shutting down. I am scared. Mostly, I am scared of my emotions, but there are several things like shame and guilt that keep me from being as forthcoming as I could be in therapy. Given that you are on a time constraint, I think you are going to have to take a real look at how to overcome the demon that keeps you from talking. I also think you have to keep telling yourself, "I have got this." As well, I think you need to realistically look at what you are trying to accomplish in these next 8 sessions and talk to your therapist about it to see if that is a reasonable goal.
I wish you luck and truly hope you can make some progress before your time is up. Sending you strength to get through this!

 

[GettingBy]

As well, I think you need to realistically look at what you are trying to accomplish in these next 8 sessions and talk to your therapist about it to see if that is a reasonable goal.

My T asked me what I wanted from therapy just last session. I was clueless & I didn't know what to say so I didn't answer her. There isn't one specific thing that I want. Saying that I want my old life back is too broad.

 

[digger]

What type of therapy is it? Maybe you could ask her what she realistically thinks you can achieve together in the next eight weeks?

Do you feel like you've managed to build up enough trust with her? I suffer from going mute in sessions too, and I understand how frustrating that is. One thing that helped me was explaining to her how not being able to talk felt (I had to write this out rather than say) but 'talking' about how actually being there (in the therapy room with her) affects me has been helpful to us both in terms of moving forward. It took a long time for me to build up enough trust with her to do that though.

I imagine the pressure from knowing your sessions are limited isn't helping you to open up. Maybe raising this with her will ease some of the pressure. Do you know if there is any possibility of the sessions getting extended if she thinks it is necessary?

Also, your title says you are frustrated with your therapist, rather than with therapy - are there specific things she is, or isn't, doing that you find frustrating?

 

[GettingBy]

What type of therapy is it? Maybe you could ask her what she realistically thinks you can achieve together in the next eight weeks?

It's talk therapy & I'll ask her that next time.

Do you feel like you've managed to build up enough trust with her?

I still don't feel like I fully trust her. When I manage to share a few things, there's this constant voice in my head telling me that she doesn't believe me. I guess I'm too scared to share things because of this constant doubt. I've told her this last week & she reassured that she believes me 100% ... but I'm still not at ease.

I imagine the pressure from knowing your sessions are limited isn't helping you to open up. Maybe raising this with her will ease some of the pressure. Do you know if there is any possibility of the sessions getting extended if she thinks it is necessary?

I don't think so. It's a charity that's offering me these sessions. I was on the waiting list for 4 months!

Also, your title says you are frustrated with your therapist, rather than with therapy - are there specific things she is, or isn't, doing that you find frustrating?

I hate how she just stares at me when I go mute. This lasts so long & it increases my anxiety!
When she says "This is why you needon't counselling to help you" ... I feel like she says this more than actually help me.

 

[digger]

I hate how she just stares at me when I go mute.This lasts so long & it increases my anxiety!

You need to tell her this. If you don't think you can say it, write it down to take to your next session. I am always really anxious about 'criticising' anything but, when I have, my T has never had a problem with it, she's always said she appreciates the feedback. So if you can think of anything she does that feels like it makes the session harder for you, or anything she could do that might make it easier, let her know.

I guess I'm too scared to share things because of this constant doubt. I've told her this last week & she reassured that she believes me 100% ... but I'm still not at ease.

I think a lot of people here will be able to identify with that. One of the best pieces of advice I've been given by anybody is 'Act as if'. Act as if you trust her. I literally repeat that to myself in my head over and over when I'm having difficulty sharing something. I've had to get really tough with myself about it, because I was coming away from so many sessions feeling like they'd been wasted and that was making the problem worse. There comes a point where you have to force yourself to make that leap I think.
Having said that though, putting pressure on myself to actually speak out loud doesn't help. It makes the problem even worse for me. At the moment, how I work with my T, is I write down stuff between sessions to give to her, she reads it in the session and then gives me her take on it and we slowly tease it all apart. Not all therapists will be happy to work that way, but might be worth looking at as a way of getting things 'out there' at least if speaking is a problem.

 

[Kefira]

Just my .02 but a lot of therapists are inclined to allow silence in session as for many people it's a sign of processing. She's also only human, not a mind reader or magic cure. If you have no clear goal for why you're there she can work you towards and you've only recently been able to share some of your trauma information you're probably not giving her much to go on. Maybe she's not staring and judging you so much as looking compassionately at someone she's trying to help and hoping you'll give her an indication of how to do that without making your mistrust worse.

 

[digger]

Just my .02 but a lot of therapists are inclined to allow silence in session as for many people it's a sign of processing

This is true, which is why I needed to discuss it with my T and why it might help @GettingBy to as well. Therapists will often allow silences in the way you describe as part of the session for you (and them) to think about what's being said. Silence for me makes me feel like I'm under pressure and I end up panicking or dissociating because I can't handle it. It's not that my T doesn't give any time at all to silence in the session, but she keeps them small and watches me carefully now for signs of distress and will fill the silence for me if I need her too. She says its not how she works with most clients and explained the whole reasons for silence thing to me, but she can see it doesn't work that way for me.

 

[Kefira]

@digger, yes my silence can go either way. My T is interested in helping me learn to navigate through my reaction to silence. But I think it's important for those of us who can feel pressured during silence to understand why that might be happening in session so that we can know to talk to the T about it. Because as you said, it may be an alteration to how they work and if they aren't aware it's causing a particular client distress they won't know to change it.

 

[GettingBy]

Maybe she's not staring and judging you so much as looking compassionately at someone she's trying to help and hoping you'll give her an indication of how to do that without making your mistrust worse.

I wish I knew exactly how she could help me. Every time she asks me these questions my mind goes blank & I work myself into a frenzy for a "suitable" answer. Therapy is looking hopeless for me at the moment.

 

[digger]

. Therapy is looking hopeless for me at the moment.

I don't think it is. If you can find a way to explain some of the difficulties to her like you are doing here, you can work with her then to find solutions. I can never answer the 'what do you need from me?' question. That equals instant panic for me. I can sometimes pinpoint things that aren't helpful though.

 

[GettingBy]

I don't think it is. If you can find a way to explain some of the difficulties to her like you are doing here, you can work with her then to find solutions. I can never answer the 'what do you need from me?' question. That equals instant panic for me. I can sometimes pinpoint things that aren't helpful though.

It's a relief to hear that you can relate to what I'm saying. During sessions, I always wonder if her other clients handle things better. I don't know why I worry about things like this. I haven't met any of her other clients!

I'll try that in my next session but I fear that it'll be an invitation to those dreaded "What do you want?" questions. Thank you so much for your advice!