Why Do I Feel That I Don't Belong. Where Is Home?

[Loloma]

The older I get the more confused I become. I like being on my own, but hate it at the same time. I feel empty, tend to shut myself off. Have massive trust issues with most people and to an extent, even with my own children.

I simply can't settle anywhere. Which bring me to the issue at hand. I am now 65, working part time out of necessity. In my mind I can't identify a place that feels like home to me. When I was a child we shifted so many times I lost count. I continued this way all through my adult life. Has anyone got any suggestions they may help me with this dilema?

 

[Tanishq]

I am in the same search Loloma. You are not alone in this, please know this.

When we are with people who love us for who we are, they make home for us. So we have to look for love, when we get it we find our home. Hope I am making some sense here.

I do have trust issues. I can relate with you on that.

 

[Recovery4Me]

I have felt a home feeling in many places many times, but ultimately all homes & the time is borrowed. The constant is ourselves and perhaps the dragging in of familiar creature comforts (which for me downsizes with each move).

I am sure that quite a few may have that special story of being in the same home for all their lives. However, as I now work in a retirement community, I serve hundreds of seniors that currently are trying to adapt and find that home sensation again as well.

So although you may not have as yet discovered a place that feels like home, perhaps with reflection & a few of the group's suggestions, you could bring in a comfort feeling that allowed yourself to nest a bit and come closer than before.

As well, there are those rolling stone types, which have wanderlust and stars for a roof. Perhaps you have a gypsy style soul that defies cultural constructs of ‘home’ and needs to feel free. Only you would really know. ((hugs if you accept))

Trust is a horse of a different color…and a longer winded conversation, yes?

 

[GWhizz]

@Loloma I also relate. I actually got really upset about this very matter only last night.

It's as though I've been spending my entire adult life so far trying to outrun my past. So much so that I never feel comfortable even in my own home. It's an empty feeling I find really difficult to explain. But when I'm at home I get into this ancy state where I just can't stand being there doing 'nothing'. And so I usually go out as much as possible because I'm uncomfortable just being and just being myself. Which is ironic as I prefer my own company over others but then I seek it out as I get frustrated when alone. So I do anything to avoid doing nothing or relaxing. I meet with people, I shop, I work. But it means nothing. Deep inside I'm lost. For me, it also has to do with the fact that I always felt quite restricted as a child/teenager at home. And so I'm constantly trying to avoid that feeling. I agree with @Recovery4Me - I'm kind of a rolling stone gypsy type who doesn't like to stay too long in the one place. But as a result I never settle. And that constant unsettled feeling is pretty uneasy. I know I need to try to just 'be' myself where I am right now. And doing mindfulness meditation has certainly helped me somewhat. So when I find I'm just rushing on to do something else, instead I try to be mindful and see the positive in the current moments that pass. I think it's really key that you can recognise this feeling so that you can realise it doesn't have to be this way. When you're more conscious of your behaviours, you can find better ways to adapt them to get the optimum from life. I wish you all the best on your journey.

 

[Sammyiam]

Hi Loloma,

I wish you all the best in finding a place that you can call home, I hope you can find somewhere that you can relax and stay in one place and have what you deserve.

Please take care

Sammy

 

[Loloma]

@Tanishq, @geewhiz, @Recoveryforme, I see that many of you feel and live the same as I do. I think a lot of it is has to do with PTSD, the traumatic events that happened. The disjointed childhood and life choices that I made. Constantly searching for a sense of normality in my mixed up confused mind.

Ultimately I made more mistakes and wrong decisions along the way. In a way it was like starting off fresh each time, only to end the same each time. I'm running out of time. I wish I could tap into my mind and find the answer. It's there somewhere!

 

[scout86]

So, what does "Home" look like to you? How will you know when you find it.

I like what @Tanishq said, about home being a place you are accepted as who you really are. The first place we have to find that acceptance, maybe, is inside our own heads. If we can't accept ourselves as who we really are, what else matters?

I've said for years "Home is where I park my truck." I guess that means it's everywhere and nowhere.

 

[Tanishq]

"Home is where I park my truck."

I like the sound of this. Thanks for sharing this scout86. :)

@Loloma I believe we will make there in time. :tup:

 

[dougyhowzer]

I felt your pain Loloma when readying your post .

I too am in that place with what homes looks like to me .

I left home when I was 11 years old and went through group homes and a foster home . Now I am 34 years old , and to this day I still long for a home that is full of love and healing .

I can only say that because , I am a faith follower of Jesus , I believe my home is not of this broken, painful world that we live in , but a place where their will be no pain , and no more sorrow

 

[Ronin]

I've left home when I was nine, though not really by choice, and since then it's been... search, really. I've called many places my 'home', for the time's sake, some I still hold connections to I try to rekindle whenever financial & health situation permits and whenever these people' schedules coincide with mine. Home matters, in every case, yet I've come to a conclusion it's what one makes it to be, and doesn't have to be static in any sense, the *sense* of home is what's needed to be found anywhere one is. It certainly hurts tiny bit less.

(I hope this makes some sense, I'm not all too good with talking about things this close to heart.)

 

[missbliss]

For myself I've pondered this - as I am homeless right now and these thoughts occupy my mind. It could very well be for me, as I am now in my 50's that I do not have a home and maybe to resign myself to be a wanderer, a nomad, a refugee. This is the reality for so many now. In the millions. I have felt like a refugee my entire life. Wherever I go, I am forced out, shunned and given the cold shoulder. And this I all chart down to learning. It's all a lesson. Maybe I need to experience homelessness in order to understand how it is - and then to bring a solution to the issue with what knowledge and experienced I've gleaned. Being a refugee brings with it a myriad of issues - shock trauma the most prevalent, but what of those like myself who've experienced trauma from conception to adulthood - repeatedly. In all of its manifestations. All I can manage to understand from this is that I had to experience all of life's horrors to *maybe* be some sort of synthesizer - transmuting the suffering into something positive. It's like a sculptor using very putrid clay but once she's in the process of creating her masterpiece the clay gets transformed into shining light. Be of good cheer. All is well. There is wisdom in all of this. Take good care.

 

[Recovery4Me]

transmuting the suffering into something positive.

Thank you for sharing your story, beautiful words and this thought to hold within. I am glad you are posting among us.