Do You Ever Get Overwhelmed By How 'screwed Up' You Are?

[Bmiw]

I'm sorry to use a term as derogatory as screwed up.
But sometimes, I sit down and think of all the things that are wrong with me.
How sexually I am screwed up in both my inability to have relationships and being quite confused in general about my gender expression. I feel I am a girl but never had any female role-models (mum wasnt around either) as a kid and I had no friends at school. So I never learned how to be a girl. I also suffered a few incidents of sexual harassment as a child from other children. That's one thing.

I guess the other thing is how I've struggled on and off with depression/anxiety/self-harm and suicidal ideation.

The third thing is I deal with unrelenting self-loathing and low self-esteem and sometimes social anxiety due to trauma.

The fourth thing is that I have become more and more aware that I cannot function without my therapist or medication (thats for a physical problem)

I'm still very young but feel worn down by all of this. I get so so overwhelmed and despondent when I sit and think of all my unresolved conflicts and issues and problems. I know it doesn't help to get bogged down with them.

Do you have this problem too? And what helps you?

 

[Ebuk]

All I read was the title and I had to comment: ALL THE DAMN TIME!
Now I'm going to read your post, I may have more comments to come :D

 

[Wuheh]

How sexually I am screwed up in both my inability to have relationships and being quite confused in general about my gender expression. I feel I am a girl but never had any female role-models

Hugs BMIW.

What is your current physical gender? is that physical gender clearly defined? or is it indistinct, eg Turner's syndrome (a single x chromasome), Klienfeldters (XXY), or do you feel that you were born the wrong gender?

 

[Bmiw]

What is your current physical gender? is that physical gender clearly defined? or is it indistinct, eg Turner's syndrome (a single x chromasome), Klienfeldters (XXY), or do you feel that you were born the wrong gender?

Cheers for the hug! :) Don't know what BMIW means.
I consider myself to be a girl, I was born a girl. I dress like a girl but not girly. I have a pair of pink vans that I wear. I usually wear skinny jeans and a top. I get my clothes from girls shops and I have long hair. But I wouldn't be too girly and I never would wear dresses. I think a lot of my confusion around my gender is because I was never around girls and have never lived with girls. I only have brothers. I had no friends at school and the only people I had to hang around with were my brothers friends. If ever I tried a girly thing, people would point it out and I'd get all...self-concious...and go back to the normal behaviours.

 

[Bmiw]

I don't know if that makes any sense, I also like guys. But even when I feel sexually attracted to someone the physical side scares me.

 

[Idepa]

My mom is a narc and I have no adult women in my life who are older then me, I have friends who are girls but no one who can be a role model or help me raise my children, it has been very, very heard. All I can do is choose to the the mother I wish I had. Being a 'tom girl' is perfectly fine, I don't wear dresses because I associate them to by cult upbringing (all I was allowed to wear as a child because women wearing pants was considered a sin). I didn't even wear a dress on my wedding day, I'm still very much a woman, I'm just a warrior woman instead of a girly girl :)

 

[Nakok]

Boy, all of the time :D
I've grown up in rather masculine environment and later it was switching gears with countries depending on demands. Didn't really learn what it's even supposed to mean, being a girl, being a boy, whatever one has. Positive influences in my life tended to agree what I have to focus on is be humane enough, its own set of difficulties.
So mostly I learned to worry about practical aspects of gender and presentation. Is dressing 'wrong' in this or that society likely to get me harmed or killed? Bad idea. Is it likely to not get me where I want, or what I want from people? Also bad idea. Switching gears. Is this about openess and honesty with myself? Well. Finding places full of questioning people and people for whom these topics are mattering, better idea.
Socialize where you feel comfortable if that's an option, mind your safety and boundaries, what people say isn't a priority (as long as those words stay words, and aren't likely to lead to attacks on you & compounding suicidality and the like.)

 

[Bmiw]

Being a 'tom girl' is perfectly fine,

I'm still very much a woman, I'm just a warrior woman instead of a girly girl :)

Oh yeah, I know there's nothing wrong with being a tom-girl. It's just that I would like to be more girly, not to the point of pink pink pink. I've had this kinda internal conflict for such a long time. I didn't know why I was a tom-girl when I was young. I realise now that it has to do with how the guys in my area treated me, how I was bullied, how I have low self-esteem, how I was never shown the example. I feel I am a tom-girl but not of my choosing.

 

[Bmiw]

I've grown up in rather masculine environment and later it was switching gears with countries depending on demands.

How do you mean switching gears?

 

[Viti]

Don't know what BMIW means.

Sorry, that was me capitalizing the anonymous posting name that the forum has found for you.

I consider myself to be a girl, I was born a girl. I dress like a girl but not girly.

OK, thanks for the clarification, I wasn't sure whether you were struggling with coming to terms with being trans sexual or being born with uncertain gender. We seem to get defined so clearly in terms of gender that those can cause all sorts of grief (I once met a really well adjusted 15 year old who was a pre choperative trans sexual, the trauma there came from the parents and the shrinks; so much so that s/he was attending a school at the local psychiatric hospital...).

I'm male and I don't tend to go for girlie girls or girlie boys. I've nothing against them, I just don't go for them, I used to joke with a friend (who's now changed to female) that I'd had girlfriends who people mistook for boys, but I've never had a boyfriend who could be mistaken for a girl.

The only not so girlie girl who I've discussed the girlie or not girlie thing with in great depth, was my most recent ex.

She always had a big thing about hiding her legs, she actually has (IMHO) very attractive legs, but she has always disagreed, and didn't like me touching them. She thinks it all went back to her father telling her that she didn't have nice legs and should keep them hidden. I think she's working on actually starting to like her own legs now.

Like me, she always tried to dress in scruffy clothes. I think it was part of her trying to be invisible act.

She has very low self esteem, low moods and suicidal ideation - and four older brothers, some of whom bullied her. The list goes on, but you'll get the idea.

She's currently working on "mindfulness" and I've shown her Pete Walker's C_PTSD site, and she's used some of his resources for self soothing and learning to be kind and forgiving to herself.

for the starting relationships - I know it's a cliche - but perhaps you really haven't met a safe enough person yet? I'm guessing from what you've written that you grew up in a low population area and you're still pretty young (?twenties?).

Do you have interests that you could use to meet safe people? for example starting on a part time writing course at a local college (it's less likely to attract game players and predators than dating sites and pick up joints are).

 

[Wojib]

How do you mean switching gears?

Going by what the ocassion, company, & culture we were in demanded.

 

[Okep]

Overwhelmed? For sure. At which point I usually either go back to bed, or start strategizing &/or working on how to change what I can, as I can.