Why is it Important to Have Someone Understand?

[upstream]

this question runs into all the secondary wounding I have received

Good point, bec. Perhaps that's where a lot of the pain comes from?

to be loved, accepted, included and believed

That sounds nice. However I've only ever felt that way with others who have gone through the same things. I'm not sure why...

 

[Cindy]

I find it important to be understood because it validates my reactions and feelings associated with certian aspects of living a life the best way I can.

When I read others on this forum experiencing similar feelings I don't feel so abnormal or out of sinc. It helps me to accept who I am at the time and what I respond to differently than others because of the PTSD. When I respond differently to events I question myself and start to attack myself for being inept. Normal events can put me into a tailspin.

When others confirm they also respond in this way I relax and am not as hard on myself. It helps me to keep a clear perspective on what PTSD can effect and to change my personal expectations.

When others do not understand or choose not to try to understand it is a clear message to me that there are limits on that relationship. When others respect my boundaries I feel supported and can persue a fuller relationship with them.

Being understood or not is a clear indicator to me about the level of relationship I can have with that person and a measure of my own perception of what my needs are with regards to functioning in daily living challenges.

 

[becvan]

Great insight Cindy. After reading your post I can see the truth in it. I can see where understanding weighs heavily in what type of relationship I have with people. Thanks for that.

bec

 

[Nicolette]

It seems to be worse if the person doesn't try to understand, and even worse if the person misunderstands and won't listen.

I know this is a different tangent but may I say that I think sometimes a PTSD suffer (especially one recently diagnosed) doesn't really understand what they are going through and struggle to make sense of themselves. With that said, it would then be difficult for the Sufferer to verbalise what they are going through in a manner which would make sense to someone.

Sometimes I see people 'not wanting to understand' things they are frightened of or that which seems too difficult. I also wonder if 'won't listen' can also be a case of 'not wanting to know'. As a carer I find it difficult to find someone who can understand what I go through when Anthony is ill and my friends can shy away just due to ignorance. They have no vested interest in understanding PTSD whereas I do. This then leads me to what Moog said about that person needing to be "someone important". It's a bit like having a friend who has an interest in motorbikes. They may want to talk to me about the motorbikes and comparisons etc but as I have little interest, I will be polite and listen as they are my friend but I am sure my mind would wander off as it is not important to me.

Bottom line, I think we all want to feel supported in life, especially when we are not well. I feel for those of you who haven't found a 'someone' to really be there for you.

I know I have not answered Upstream's questions nor can I as I am a Carer but did want to share my thoughts.

 

[linasmom]

When others do not understand or choose not to try to understand it is a clear message to me that there are limits on that relationship.

Cindy,

That was great insight and something that I think we should always try and remember - PTSD or not, that statement rings true.



Being understood, to me, is fundamentally about experiencing a connection with other people. When there is no "connection", for me, there is only dead space.

Best,
Rachel

 

[Grama-Herc]

There has never been a thread that I've read herer on the forum that caused me to cry until now. Every post, every word and every emotion hit me right between the eyes and expressed what I have been feeling for months now.

Thank you, everyone, for putting "ME" into words. The thread has helped in ways you will never know. At least now I know why these feelings are so strong and then to push me towards resentment and anger, at times.

Again, to repeat myself, Thank You everyone!

 

[anthony]

Funny really, in that I do not expect people to understand because what I understand that unless you have it, you can not understand it. So this removes any desire I have in the first place or emotion required to go with it. It is like comparing to a person who has been raped vs. not raped. You could not understand the act of rape unless you had been raped. You could empathise with that person, but you could not understand what they feel, the violation or trust components.... just not the same.

So my answer to this is simple; I don't expect another to understand unless they have it.

 

[Marlene]

So my answer to this is simple; I don't expect another to understand unless they have it.

Good answer and pretty much my take on things. One of the hardest part of adjusting to my PTSD was that I couldn't seem to make my husband understand what was going on no matter how hard I tried. It was a constant source of tension between us for a while. I felt like he just wasn't trying hard enough to understand and didn't really care.

It took my therapist explaining that there was no way for him to understand and to stop beating my head against that particular wall (and my husband's along with mine). I just had to accept that this part of my life was closed to my husband. And it was hard because our whole lives were open to each other. He could empathize and support, but that was as far as he could come in without having to have PTSD himself.

Yeah, it sucks...but that's just the way of it.

Lisa

 

[Cindy]

Marlene and Anthony I see your point and agree with it. Maybe it is the word understand that is the problem with my perception. I think you're right that people without PTSD cannot begin to comprehend the deep emotions and issues involved. I guess this is where I see the word empathy and understand as being confused by me.

I guess what I really wish is for people who care about me to listen to my concerns and be attentive to my responses instead of me always having to either hide them or explain them. I want them to accept them as part of me without challenging or dismissing them, and then just moving off into their own topics or interests to avoid me or my needs.

I don't share with others often but when I am comfortable to do so they don't want to listen, or worse - "just get over it". Few people take the time to just sit and set the time aside to listen. Many are wrapped up in their own lives.

I am reflecting only the experiences I have had with my immediate family.

But, anyway your points are well taken. Thanks.

 

[linasmom]

Hmm, here is the definition of "understand" from dictionary.com:


un·der·stand http://cache.lexico.com/dictionary/graphics/luna/thinsp.png
1.to perceive the meaning of; grasp the idea of; comprehend: to understand Spanish; I didn't understand your question.
2.to be thoroughly familiar with; apprehend clearly the character, nature, or subtleties of: to understand a trade.
3.to assign a meaning to; interpret: He understood her suggestion as a complaint.
4.to grasp the significance, implications, or importance of: He does not understand responsibility.
5.to regard as firmly communicated; take as agreed or settled: I understand that you will repay this loan in 30 days.
6.to learn or hear: I understand that you are going out of town.
7.to accept as true; believe: I understand that you are trying to be truthful, but you are wrong.
8.to construe in a particular way: You are to understand the phrase literally.
9.to supply mentally (something that is not expressed). –verb (used without object)
10.to perceive what is meant; grasp the information conveyed: She told them about it in simple words, hoping they would understand.
11.to accept tolerantly or sympathetically: If you can't do it, I'll understand.
12.to have knowledge or background, as on a particular subject: He understands about boats.
13.to have a systematic interpretation or rationale, as in a field or area of knowledge: He can repeat every rule in the book, but he just doesn't understand.



Nowhere does it imply that one must experience to understand. In fact, the definitions seem to communicate that the definition of (to) "understand" means that one learns, acknowledges, accepts, all without having to actually have an experience - to be "open" to the facts or ideas.

I think by believing that everyone who doesn't have PTSD will not understand us is very negative thinking and only furthers the idea that we are isolated from "others".

 

[spiritofnow]

I have been thinking about this one; I guess the most important person I need to uderstand me is.....yep! You got it, good ole' me! I feel that as I am understanding myself I do not need external validation as much! I used to feel so misunderstood, paticularly in intimate relationships, and my need for validation was unhealthy.

As I uncover the life events that have directed my behaviour's and attitudes, I feel less misunderstood, because I understand why I do some things. Therefore, I tend to look less for external validation in order to ascertain whether how I feel or what I think is correct/rational.

I am understanding me and I am understanding of myself.

Spirit x

 

[moog]

I think by believing that everyone who doesn't have PTSD will not understand us is very negative thinking and only furthers the idea that we are isolated from "others".

I think that is very symbolic, our professional care givers understand and we trust them; so why not family/friends. Someone may not understand our experiences and trauma that caused PTSD because they have not experienced it themselves. But it does not mean that they can not try to understand how PTSD has changed us and what PTSD is, in order to help them change and learn to live with our new lives. Other wise, you isolate yourself from those that just want to help and care for you. Psycho-education amongst family and friends is very important, if they don't understand; they won't be able to live with you and then you will be alone. I've seen many families torn apart by negative isolationist thoughts of someone adapting to life with PTSD.