Feeling Like A Zombie

[Deleted member 28403]

I don't know how to start the post. I'm feeling like a zombie. Tired, powerless, fatigued. Just a moving corpse. I get diarrhea a lot. Barely sleep. I don't know what to do. I feel abandoned. Alone. SCARED.

The whole thing earsed, I spent so long writing :cry:.

Well, time to rewrite a lot of stuff :(

Link to post I'm replying to now that I'm calmer

@anonymous

I am not an alcoholic, I mentioned it enough. I get drunk a few times a year, my parents don't know, and I never once had a blackout, never once had enough alcohol for that. I have a NATURAL resistance to alcohol. First time I got drunk it took me the same amount, same is now. They?? Worried sick and desparate?? My dad takes it as his right to be mean to me, to make me feel bad and hurt me. You posts annoyed me.

@Seagreen

Are you able to get yourself to a quiet place and explain what happened when you are calmer?

Uhm, I don't quite remember much, due to memory loss factor... I will try to write stuff here as I remember it, if I remember something while I'm writing the rest of post, I will write here.

So, I got diarrhea often and spend time on the toilet, but still, while on the toilet I work to try to get parents not to be mad at me. But they still get mad at me for various reasons, I'm lost on what to do :cry:.

Dad was mad at me and he was ramming the door to get me out of the toilet, he was threathening me with all kinds of stuff. He was trying to take down the door, like when they took of my room door. They also took away my bathroom key, so I can't lock myself in and be safe from them.

The took away 100€ out of my money while I was away, and a few days ago took all money I had, saying they are taking it for "safekeeping". They also put a punishment, that they will take away 5€ whenever I don't work enough, they were talking how all the money will be gone within 2 months, and the first day the already took away 5€. I earned that money so I can buy a computer and work on programming. I worked on earning it for a year.

As soon as I got out of the bus, when coming back from where I was (a math camp, because I'm a great mathematician), and got into the car, and they were in the car, it took about a minute for them to get angry at me and start criticizing me and yelling at me and making me feel bad. I got a feeling that whenever something good happens to me, something bad is gonna come from them :cry:

@Radise

Well I am happy that it wasn't worse, at least he didn't beat me up physically.

At least he didn't beat you up physically... A wound can heal, but verbal pain can stay forever. It's not clearly visible from outside, noone can know how hurt you are from just seeing you :cry:

I don't quite know what to type. I'm just standing here, feeling empty, sad. I want to make the world a better place, but I well know that it never will be. There will always be such sadness :cry:

But you could try to contact child services, although I'm not sure how that's arranged in your country.

No, the same those services that did nothing to help, that just shoved my case in the bin along with thousans of other cases of similar intensity, every single f*cking year in Croatia. A twisted country.

@TreeHugger

No, they don't know that I drink. And I don't drink except for those few times a year. And when I drink, after a certain amount I shift to being extremely self analytic, which is bad for me :(

Anyway, the reason for diarrhea is not alcohol, as I have diarrhea way more often. I have psychosomatic reactions to stress. which include but aren't limtied to stomach ache, dirrhea, puke coming up to my throat.

So basically, more or less only times I really drink are when I want to get drunk, and that is a few times a year, otherwise I see it mostly as a waste of money. It has no effect on me.

And they don't quite worry about me, they just get angry at me for everything. The post was partially valving the anger, but I am quite angry at them, and want to be free, safe and as far as possible from them.

@FridayJones

Yes, at that moment I was quite willing to kill them, many times I was close to attacking them.

In fact, the stress of doing nothing is 1000x harder than the initial stress that triggers things to begin with.

Yes, not reacting to something leaves me feeling bad, makes me want to kill, hurt and get rid of ones I hate. How much I wished to push the guy who was threathening me with a knife into that river. I could have done it, without facing much consequences, he was the one holding a knife, I just had a stick for self defense. I should've done it :banghead: At least I smashed his nose in "self defense" later when he attacked me.

Well, my self control can be really bad sometimes, luckily I more or less manage to do what I want when I'm attacked, doing my best to make it be self defense.

It is not a fact that drinking at 14 is wrong. It's a very ethnocentric opinion.

If he were 40 years old, with the exact same story, he wouldn't be slammed with "No! Wrong! Bad dog!" ... It would be "Maybe that's not such a great idea." & "Hey, man. Been there, and done that, and here were my results."

Yes, here in balkans alcohol is quite normal. And beer here is quite stronger than in America (though I don't like beer). And there is hardly a chance for me to get so drunk to puke... I am re-reading your post and agreeing.

@Kaia

Destructive thinking & urges & feelings are... easier to give into than to pull back from, in general.

Yes, it would be so easy to beat people up, get rid of those who give me the pain. But instead I train to protect myself more...

Thank you for your post. Though I don't write much of a reply, it puts much on my mind.

iIf you absolutely have to (for whatever reason) - is there anyone that could be your sober buddy?

Not really needed. Drinking doesn't make me angry at all, my "drunk personality" is self analytic and talkative, also thinking a bit slower. And I drunk completely alone just 2 times.

Sometime help is digging in the life's mud together and then cleaning each other up

Yes, SHE is my supporter, but she also suffers many problems. When I hear she is feeling bad, something 'clicks' inside me, I want to protect her and make her feel better. We help eachother.

Neither a / pole nor an \ pole can stand on their own, but when leaning aganist eachother, the can /\.

@Philippa

I don't know that 'shoulds' are very helpful in this case? Where is a 14 year old kid gonna 'get himself into a programme'? He's trying to cope with what appears to be a very tough situation and isn't doing too well. You're speaking to him as though he is an adult and knows what to do in his situation, or 'should'.

Yes, the posts by the anonymous person basically did nothing but stress me out and make me feel bad. They weren't supportive.

Though, I am not an alcoholic, and everyone got that wrong thought, but I don't drink often. I don't quite have a way to get rid of those feelings, I just take it all in and keep it in, for a while. I don't have much else.

I think showing him some understanding and empathy might be a bit more helpful to just jumping down his throat telling him he 'should' do this and that he is too young for that. He doesn't need to hear that right now.

I agree with that fully. Someone going like that and telling me what I should do even on here, on forums, where I believed I was accepted as I am and safe. My parents are similar. Control freaks, trying to take away my free option from me :cry: Probably one of main reasons why the posts by anonymous person annoyed me so much, it brought associations to parents.

He came here to vent his pain, connect and hopefully find people who give a shit about him because it's obvious his parents aren't conveying that message. He does not need to receive a lecture from another authority figure who thinks he knows what's best for him.

Things like this, they say so much of my thoughts, and all I can do is say "Yes, I agree with this".

I don't think anyone is arguing with that. What we're saying is that he already knows that, and telling him again isn't the most helpful thing. He's a very intelligent young man. I'm sure he is well aware of the dangers of alcohol.

Yes, it's kind of insulting to speak down to someone as though they aren't aware that something is bad for them...even a teenager who knows more than anyone that the adult world thinks he 'shouldn't' drink.

To me, the fact that one of his symptoms is self-harm tells me he is turning that rage against himself instead of taking it out on others, and perhaps posting about it is a way of trying to lessen the pain he feels rather than actually taking it out on others or himself.

I agree, and that's how I've also been taking otakujome's posts...as a venting to help leak out overloads of rage and anger and pain in side him. WHen the alcohol wears off, the pain is still there. it can't be numbed forever.

@otakujome, maybe you could clear this up rather than us arguing about it. Do you actually feel you are in danger of acting on the rage you are expressing, or were you just venting? What kind of response from us is most helpful?

I think this is a great approach. :)

I am quite aware of dangers of alcohol, but don't see my level of drinking as a problem, it doesn't harm my brain, due to me not really getting drunk often, and never getting too drunk (eh, genetics)

@moonbeam

Can you please explain what you mean by they took away your bathroom door key?

They took away the key I use to lock the bathroom door when showering, pooping and similar. So they don't have to ramm the door when they wanna kick me out of the bathroom. :cry:

I'm sure you don't need me to tell you about the future or in a few years you can be free of them. That's not going to help NOW.

I know, but what hurts is the information that I will spend so many years forced to stay here, to be away from happiness and freedom.

Have you considered meditation or martial arts or some other way to help express your frustration and anger?

I have been training aikido for a while now, and it helped save my life a few times. Examples as listed:

• I was attacked with an arc saw (1.5 meters long)
  
• I was attacked with a hatchet
• I was threathened with a knife
• I was attacked with all kinds of pieces of wood (batons??)
• A guy tried to beat me with fists

When I was attacked with a saw, I managed to get the guy into a grip and held him for 5 minutes till someone came.

I don't remember much about being attacked with a hatchet.

When I was threathened with a knife, I got into a position where I had an advantage, the guy being next to a river. I took a stick off the ground and was ready to push him off.

When I was attacked with pieces of wood I ussualy just took the pieces of wood out of their hands by twisting their hands, and leaving the person in a bit of pain while I got away.

When the guy tried to punch me, I was sitting, so I just blocked... By hitting his nose with the back of my hand, smashing it and making it bleed in that one hit.

I do a lot of training to protect my life, and currently am at the level that I swing a 6kg suburito for practice. I can lift 100 kg, and so on...

Meditation doesn't work, I can't empty my mind, and any empty space gets filled with anxiety, depression and sadness. Really am not in a state where I can take lots of those to get better at meditation.

I found that when I couldn't leave my house that escaping into books was also helpful. Gave me an escape, a world they couldn't interfere with.

Yes, me for the most of time I was bullyed... I don't quite have time now, too much work :(

I'm not sure if you have a diary on here but you could consider starting one to help with coping in the now.

I don't know how to lead a diary... I feel like I'm to disorganized for that :cry:

@sun seeker

Many times people feel helpless to see another person suffering and are quick to jump in with advice when it might be more helpful just to hear them and say "I'm sorry it's so hard. I've been there. I care about you."

The "I care about you". Just that, in a single post, it would mean a lot. I always felt abandoned, worthless, like there was nothing to live for. This post almost makes me cry.

@Ms Spock

Alcohol doesn't affect my impulse control in a bad way, actually. It makes it quite better, as there is so much less impulse, there is much less things I take in, much less information that gets processed in my brain, and thus much less things that anger me.

Basically, when I'm drunk is when I have more or less the smallest chance to hurt someone or myself (except for stumbling into a pole, but I do that sober, so it's normal :p)

My huge problem is self harm, during the last week my face turned into a mess... Blood, wounds... I keep ripping my face apart...

If he dies from a combination of drug taking and alcohol intake then all support and listening in the world don't mean anything @sunseeker, but by all means contribute love and care in the best way that you know how.

If he gets hit by a car when he is in a black out, where he is losing so much money, all the care and love in the world doesn't mean a thing.

I don't take drugs, and for last few weeks been off sleeping pills. I never got drunk enough for a blackout, like, after a liter of rum, I was at slight dizzyness and talkativeness...

Permanent brain damage? Unlikely. Yes, I can drink loads of alcohol, and it has low effect on me, but that is because of genetics and body profile. I am bulky and it takes a lot for stuff to have effect on me.

And as mentioned, I don't drink often enough for anything...

He is a beautiful young man, in grave distress.

Hardly beautiful... How can someone with so many wounds be beautiful to anyone except for gore fans... At this moment I got a 1 cm radius thing on my chin, that bleeds a lot, 0.5cm radius thing on one my cheek, and 0.5 cm radius thing above my left eye... Also around 30 other smaller wounds... Not beautiful :cry:

And yep, you got completely wrong image, I don't do drugs...

He is too young to be drinking and taking this many pills that he is taking. If he DIES, then game over, red rover.

Taking this many pills??? Uhm, zero... And before that just sleeping pills occasionally. And drinking, as mentioned 100 times by me, is not whats been bothering me here...

@@otakujome's constant conflict with his parents, (and they don't seem to be helpful at all, and they say some awful things) is based on his drug and alcohol usage? What if they are inexpertly managing their panic over his potential death? If I was a crappy parent and my kid was as beautiful as otakujome and I was terrified that he might die, then maybe I would carry on like a fishwife as well. Who knows?

Should I just go repeating the same information over and over. I don't self medicate... I'm off sleeping pills.

A 40 year old person is still alive. He is 14 and will be lucky to make 16 at this time. I am interested in seeing that turned around.

You went full panic mode, spread panic and everything :( YOu just jumped to conclusions a whole load :(

No. He is 14, there is no way he knows about all the options available even now, nevertheless what could be or is available in the future.

Actually, I got quite a clear image of what I will be in the future, due to my high interest in mathematics, physics and programming. Also many skills I possess. I am quite sure about what I will do later on, and am working on developement of many things already. And me working my ass off in front of a computer 12 hours a day is quite normal... My 'departement': AI developement...



@shimmerz

Uhhh, so I'm supposed to keep that desire to kill that eats me from inside in me the whole time... Then I will just randomly boom and do something wrong...

@digger

Thank you, you seem to be the first person to notice that... The thread went wild as I couldn't clear anything up and stop people from jumping to conclusions that much.

Well.

This is all I could reply in the time I had in a few pauses...

Hope this post doesn't get me banned :cry:

Thank you for reading

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I didn't see your post until after it was closed and then I read it all. I found the anons views (although coming from a caring place) were hostile and isolating. That's not really why I'm posting though. I don't have much of anything to be beneficial for you except two bits of info; the first is for the forum, when I was in Croatia staying with a family a long time ago, their 4-5 year olds drank wine and beer with the family, not much and/or diluted, but it was acceptable and normal. The second part is for you; I've only ever been drunk(ish) once and only ever drank alcohol twice, the one time I got drunk it took a hell of a lot to get me there, not for me all round. But something I learned though, is that the higher tolerance you have to alcohol, the more predisposed you are to alcoholism. The last little thing I have to say is that regardless of scars you can still be a beautiful person, I know you have a lot of people sell you short, but I refuse to.

 

[moonbeam]

I'm glad you are back.

I understand the meditation issues was just trying to give positive coping ideas. I have issues with it too.

You don't have to know how to lead a journal. Its just a space to express thoughts and frustrations and emotions. To let the pain out.

I understand why people were so worried but I think its important for you to feel you have a space to express your anger and frustrations.

I'm sorry you feel like a zombie. That's the worst feeling. I wish I could offer you more. But if you ever want someone to vent to I am pretty good at sitting quietly. I promise to try not to fix and to just listen.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

:hug:(((otakujome))):hug:
After reading your post...I just want to give you a big hug:hug: or two! I am so sorry that your parents do not know how to love. It's SO hard to thrive when you don't feel loved!

I care about you, even though I've only read this one post...please know that you will eventually be old enough to leave that house, and never go back unless you choose to!

I'm sorry that you self-harm. I have been that way in the past. I have dug holes in my head that lasted for months at a time. Thankfully, I am past that. Most of my self-harm was hitting as it left no marks.

You DO NOT deserve to be treated the way they treat you. They are sick people!

I pray that you will keep training yourself for self-defense, I think everyone should...I have no skills in that area. I like what you said about having someone to lean on /|. Very good illustration of having a friend.

For many years, I wanted to die...never really knew why...I just hated ME. I did learn (in therapy) that we get our self-love from our parents. My parents never showed love, or really even talked to me, except to tell me what to do. Obviously your parents don't know how to love. It is NOT your fault.

I learned I really just didn't want to hurt emotionally...once I realized that...it helped. I'm 58, and just recently learned NOT to hate myself.

It is good that you are a mathematician, I would think that will help you get into a good job, as well as computer skills.

Please realize that your parents cruelty and sickness is NOT your fault, and one day, you will not have to be in their control. If you do make money..find a place to hide some of it...

One more hug:hug: if you don't mind.

AKJ

 

[Deleted member 1860]

That thread was locked for a reason and if you bring it up again, then I hate to say it but you may be at risk for getting banned.....yet again. You may want to consider letting sleeping dogs lie and moving on. It doesn't really matter that you're calmer now, as I suspect that thread was banned for reasons other than you as you were banned awhile before it was locked. You're instigating chaos. Let it go.

I wasn't @anonymous in that thread, but if you can't take what someone says, it is YOUR responsibility to exit. You are responsible for monitoring your own emotions.

And you're not going to like this, but you're starting up with the pity party bullsh!t yet again and it is growing VERY old. I realize you're just a kid, but at the same time, you are pity-seeking. You're never going to heal with the "woe is me" mentality.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

At least he didn't beat you up physically... A wound can heal, but verbal pain can stay forever.

I wasn't trying to say that your situation was less important than mine. I also wasn't saying that words don't hurt. I'm sorry I used the example, it was a weird example, and I think I said that before too. I would like to add that scars from being beaten up for years leave very real emotional scars that can't be cured in a lifetime. I wasn't trying to compare your situation to mine.

(said I was going to bed, but then re-read some stuff while brushing my teeth and have to react some more).

Someone going like that and telling me what I should do even on here, on forums, where I believed I was accepted as I am and safe. My parents are similar. Control freaks, trying to take away my free option from me :cry:

Otakujome, even though maybe these people aren't sure how exactly to help you, they are trying to, I believe. They are giving input, even though maybe it isn't the best input for you. Chances are they do accept you here on the forum, and they are not control freaks like your parents...

I don't know how to lead a diary... I feel like I'm to disorganized for that

People can help you with that, the way I see it. You could try. If it really doesn't work out then you tried. I think writing could help you out too.

Is there a possibility that you can get off some time from work? Work less? It could be good for you, I think, to let off some steam. Maybe by running. For example.

 

[sun seeker]

The "I care about you". Just that, in a single post, it would mean a lot. I always felt abandoned, worthless, like there was nothing to live for. This post almost makes me cry.

Okay, I can do that for you. I do care about you. I opened the forum tonight and smiled to see you are back. I've missed you and worried about you. You are valued here for who you are: a sensitive, kind, intelligent human being.

I'm kind of stunned from the day I've had so I won't respond to any more than that for now, but I promise to remember from time to time to let you know I care, because I do. :-)

 

[joeylittle]

@otakujome, at some point you will start choosing to work on the things you can control: working on how you frame your thoughts, finding ways to ride the terrible roller-coaster life you have. Finding ways to relieve your suffering.

If you truly have filed with the social services there, and been denied, and there is no option for you to be placed in social care - then you will need to start developing real coping skills.

You can learn many of those here.

It's so, so sad and hard that you are dealing with all this at such a young age.

Now, put your focus on working to feel better. It is a very hard lesson to learn, but ultimately the only person who controls your emotions is you. The person who can help you feel better is you. You have a great advantage by having found this community - you have a place to find ideas, get support, learn how to harness your own resources. You can teach yourself healthier habits to manage the abusive situation you are in. Maybe if you do that, you will be in a better place in your life five years from now when you get to leave home.

Some suggestions:
Try again with these agencies:
Link Removed - social services for domestic violence
https://www.facebook.com/zivim.zivot.bez.nasilja/timeline - the same organization's Facebook page.
http://www.mspm.hr/djelokrug_aktivnosti/podrska_obitelji - gov't. site for department of children and families.
Link Removed - directory of social welfare services
http://www.mspm.hr/djelokrug_aktivnosti/zastita_djece/cesta_pitanja_i_odgovori - information on handling bullying in schools.

I know it's depressing to ask for help and be denied, but unless you keep asking you don't stand a chance at all, right?

Use your trauma diary: It is the place where you can vent your feelings, struggles, your day-to-day things. Start learning how to write just for yourself, about yourself. I'm not saying don't post threads, but the trauma diary is a place where you can get real work done. This is great info on how to use a diary: Link Removed

Ease up on the "crying" emoticon: You use it like its punctuation, and I don't think that is helping you communicate.

Don't debate who has it worst: There is no such thing as "lesser" or "greater" trauma. Everyone's is their own. I've seen you try and fight to be heard, almost, wanting to make sure people know your trauma is bad. It's ok, you don't have to try that hard. You've been through some awful things. So have we all.

These are absolutely just my thoughts. I know you can't put me on ignore because I'm staff, but feel free to take or leave these. I'm only trying to help.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@Radise

I'm sorry, you got it wrong way.

I meant in a way that being hurt physically can sometimes hurt much less than verbal abuse. In a way.

I was looking at the 'atleast' part, I care, and seeing you putting the thing as something smaller, I was confused, as it wasn't. I can't express my emotions by words. I'm sorry.

@Solara

I am not sure why I was banned. I checked all info I found, and all I could think of are automatic bots and point system... Thread was later locked because of the fussthat happened. I couldn't reply and everyone was jumping to conclusions.

This post was meant to some stuff up. (People got to the thought that I'm a drug abuser)

 

[StarChild]

I am not sure why I was banned.

The best way to find out why you were temp. banned, is to ask at the help desk.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Maybe it had something to do with the title.....ie wanting to Kill? Anthony gives members who are symptomatic "time outs" from the forum so that they can calm down. I've been given one before.

 

[Freedomfighter]

I am so so sorry for your pain. They are taking everything away from you. If you can not have your private space then you can not relax your mind. I had to do the same thing. I literally had to beg for a lock on my bedroom door. That room was my only way to escape from an abuser. And I was 47 years old at the time.

They are trying to control everything about your life, as soon as you can you need to get away from these people. That starts with getting a job as soon as possible, maybe even bunking with friends or other family members.

These people that you are describing are toxic.