Learning To Feel Safe

[sun seeker]

Yesterday I started a thread asking what helps people to feel safe, and got some helpful responses. My therapist is reluctant to work on trauma release until I am more stable, and keeps asking what makes me feel safe so I can build on that feeling, which is something of a poser for me. I see I'm not alone on that one.

Something I noticed from a lot of the responses was that what makes us feel safe is often setting up a space in our homes so it feels safe, whether that is locking the doors and shutting out unwanted people or bringing in things that comfort us. I'm the same way, I can feel relatively safe at home with my cat, especially if I close the curtains and curl up on the couch in the dark, and it is warm. (Interesting how @otakujome is the opposite and needs it to be cold, for me it's warmth that relaxes me.) Anyway, while there is nothing wrong with any of this, I notice a lot of it fits under the category of "bubble-izing" (I love that new word!). It's not that we've learned to feel safe in our daily lives so much as learned that we can feel safe if we create the right conditions.

So now I'm wondering about extrapolating that sense of safety so we can learn to carry it around with us. If you have a "safe space", whatever that means for you, have you been able to take the feeling that gives you and learn to use it as a resource so you have access to it at other times when you are not actually in that space? If so, what was the process for learning that? I hope that makes sense.

Unfortunately, there are some pretty big things going on in my life that make me literally not safe. In order to work on them though, I need to be less stressed so I can think and function better rather than spending so much time in crisis mode. It's a bit of a Catch-22 situation and I'm looking for a place to begin.

 

[Lionheart]

I don't know if I can add of anything of value to this thread, but I wanted to thank you for bringing up the subject of safety and I will try to share my experience; It occurs to me that I never really feel completely safe (emotionally) although I generally feel reasonably safe (physically) much of the time.

I suppose, for me, that feeling safe started with learning to stay in my body, because I was "checking out" (dissociating) quite a bit. I am not sure how I managed to do that other than being mindful of the present moment and learning to be present in the "Here and Now" moments.

I am a grown man, but for many years I felt like a small child and I didn't quite get it that I was over 6 foot tall, 200 + lbs., and capable of protecting myself. When I felt like a small child, carrying a small gemstone called an "Apache tear" in my hand helped me to feel grounded and safe somehow.

Being 'mindful' which is something that was a part of DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) helped me a lot. I guess the biggest thing for me is that I have learned to trust my mind, my intuition, and my gut instincts to keep me (reasonably) safe.

I also remember that I used to dismiss information that told me I was safe because I didn't trust it, so learning to trust oneself seems important.

I suppose it has been a gradual process of different things that have led me to feel generally safe, but it is better if I the doors are locked, the oven has not been left on etc and in that sense, I suppose being hypervigilent serves a protective function..

Great thread, thanks for posting.

Lion

PS: I should add that I think that safety is not an 'all or nothing' proposition, there are varying degrees of safety.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

I don't quite have that ability, unfortunately. In the outside world I'm completely vulnerable, and todays been a fairly bad day :(

Not sure how to deal with it. Competitions tommorow... Hopefully I won't see anyone I know. Last year that f*cked me over, I had a total panic attack because of an old teacher from a past school, and I was completely dissociated during the competition and failed to move up. Uhh, I'm brainstorming again :( anyway, I really don't have a protable safe space, I have some 'safer places', but they are static. Like, the "glasshouse" in the library (an isolated place where I can stay sometimes.)

I'm sorry for messy post, thank yiu for reading

 

[Nam]

Safety and stress are closely related. The more stress you feel, the less safe you feel. I think you are doing great by controlling what you can to make the stress levels lower and in turn making your environment (where ever you may be) feel more safe for you.

I was one of the few that don't have a space, but ironically, I'm also the one that said I tend to shelter (bubble-lize) myself to keep my stress levels down. You can't take your safe place with you to therapy, unless the therapy office is one of your safe places. I think it is unwise to try to gather strength from a place. It needs to come intrinsically, from with in yourself. Working on grounding, keeping stress levels down, positive thinking, practicing CBT will help you feel safe wherever you are.

You're doing the first step already. Taking control of what you can.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm one of those "cold comfort" people, too. I have learned how to send chills through my body when needed so that I can calm myself within seconds. I was pretty amazed when I first learned how to do it!

 

[sun seeker]

Today at work I was starting to get stressed and panicky about the same things I usually get stressed and panicky about. I thought of this question and spent a few moments seeing if I could connect with the feeling of being in my safe place. I sort of could, but eventually I had to open my eyes and go back to what I was doing, and the stressed feeling was as bad as ever. I guess it's a positive thing though, that I was able to think of it at the time.

@Nam, when you say your feeling of safety has to come intrinsically rather than from a place, do you consider that working to connect more often with the feeling you get in your safe place (I know you don't have one, but supposing) counts as intrinsic, because it is developing something you can use anywhere?

 

[Nam]

@sun seeker That's exactly what I mean. But you can't bottle the feeling. You have to know the steps you took in order to get to that feeling. Like a recipe so you can make your cake in any kitchen.

 

[sun seeker]

You have to know the steps you took in order to get to that feeling.

So if now the only way I know to get to that feeling is by actually being in my safe place, how do I follow those same steps when I'm elsewhere? This is getting somewhere but I want to make sure I understand this.

 

[Nam]

I can't answer that. That's something you need to explore. For me, it's keeping my eyes open. Finding things to see and observe. Deep breathing. Keeping my mind busy with things that I enjoy. For me, that's seeing color, how I would mix that color in a painting. I hum a song that makes me happy. I name five things that come to mind that I truly love and hope to show that love today in some way. It's so many different things! It's self-worth, grounding, and meditation all wrapped up in one. Pretty soon, you are not going to have to consciously work at thinking this way. It'll come naturally. And you will be engaged in the present and hopefully surprise yourself that you feel quite content.

Let's see if I can think of it as a place. Someone said on the other thread that they liked something that was soft in their space. I can't remember what it was. This is a tactile sort of thing. Try to find comfort is something else to touch that pleases you where ever you might be. It could be anything, but the feeling is the same. Does that make sense?

 

[sun seeker]

So you are talking about trial and error to find things I can do anywhere that duplicate the feeling I get in my safe space... I think. Do I have it right?

 

[Nam]

Yes. Trial and error sounds so ....difficult. Like it's hard to find that one thing. It won't be like that. Explore different things. Find out what comforts you. Be self-aware.

 

[sun seeker]

Okay. Thanks @Nam. Actually I'm not bad at this as long as my stress level is not too extreme. It's when it gets beyond a certain point - maybe we could call it the point of no return - there's not much that helps.