Does The Hatred Ever Go Away?

[Cha123]

I was only diagnosed with Link Removed about 3 months ago, a year after a sexually abusive and exploitative relationship ended for good.
I'm struggling to come to terms with everything at the moment and it was only a few days ago when I read on this forum that this PTSD thing will never go away and it's with me forever. That felt like I'd been stabbed in the stomach, I can't really grasp it at all and I especially cannot cope with the idea that he has essentially ruined me and my life.

Sometimes I hate him so much that I wish and pray that he died in a really painful way. Other times it all just makes me wish I was dead instead.

I've never been like this before. I want to believe in forgiveness because I've always credited myself on being a kind and thoughtful person but I can't work out how to navigate my way around this one. How do you let go of that hatred before it eats you up inside? I feel so hard done by, I didn't do anything to deserve any of this and now all of a sudden every single thing I ever knew, I'm no longer sure about.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

@Cha123 your escape from this relationship and diagnosis are still really fresh and with PTSD it takes time to start healing fully. Remember to be gentle on yourself first and concentrate on you for a while. I know just hoe hard that is.

Sending :hug:s from Devon if you accept them and welcome to the forum.

Laurie

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

when I read on this forum that this Link Removed thing will never go away and it's with me forever.

Don't know where you read it, but thinking that PTSD is always going to be this bad, probably isn't true.
I think what they meant is that PTSD can stick around, sometimes you think it's gone but it's still there. However, the symptoms do fade (!) and as you learn skills to deal with the PTSD, you'll find it'll become less of a handicap to your life.

Forgiveness and not hating somebody aren't always the same thing. I've stopped hating my abusers, but I haven't forgiven them. But it doesn't eat me up inside anymore, as you say. I do still get bursts of rage now and then where I still feel the hatred, but this time it's more of an abstract thing, not geared towards anybody in particular.

 

[Cha123]

I suppose I'm just impatient. It's like someone's just put a huge mountain right in front of me and I want to be on the other side of it already. Thank you both for your advice.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Don't know where you read it, but thinking that PTSD is always going to be this bad, probably isn't true.

As @Radise says, PTSD at the beginning after diagnosis is full on, it is a hard thing to get your head around.. It does get better and easier to cope with but is with us for life. There is no magic cure we simply learn through research and therapy how best to cope with the symptoms. I myself was desperately depressed when I was diagnosed and now 2 years later I am much better and now able to better support others here on the forum.

 

[scout86]

I read on this forum that this Link Removed thing will never go away

There's some wiggle room for how things are defined and I'd bet there's debate about how literally true this is AND, there's a wide range of experiences too.

I look at it like I would a major physical injury. Say you got a significant burn. (REALLY significant.) How things turn out in the long run depend on a lot of things. How bad was the burn? Obviously. How healthy were you when it happened? How resilient are you? How well do you tend to heal? How soon did the burn get attention? How good was the attention? How well do you comply with the treatment regimen? All that stuff interacts and you get what ever you get.

 

[joeylittle]

All that stuff interacts and you get what ever you get.

Just to extend the analogy, you'd probably never lose track of where that burn had been - there is generally a scar going along with it, sometimes very faint. So the concept that PTSD is with you always is probably better said that even after you've healed, you still have the memory of whatever your trauma was. You relate to it differently, is all - and that's actually the huge part, because of the neural things involved. But the event doesn't disappear, nor do your experiences of healing.

 

[Kefira]

But the event doesn't disappear, nor do your experiences of healing.

Indeed. I'm one of the ones who tends to push the "there is no cure" bit in conversation with others, partially because the expectations of 'getting better' or 'being normal again' or 'getting over it' have been really hurtful in the past. Also partially because I tend to me more symptomatic around certain anniversary dates and times of year, and as someone who has been retraumatised after a lot of treatment I understand that because of this disorder I could lose a lot of ground and essentially relapse for a while. I think it's important for other people I'm going to be close to and relying on for support understand that 10, 20 years down the line I may be doing a whole lot better, and if all of a sudden I'm not again, they need to be prepared to support me then too.

As for the hatred/anger, honestly I'd sort of take it as a good sign that you can feel angry about it. I took me something like 8 years to fully place blame where it belonged and stop hating myself and be angry at the perpetrators. And when I feel I've been wronged and it is justified under my criteria I know personally I tend to keep it for a while. Not that it will continue to consume me: I've done a lot of work to let go of the anger over major events while maintaining the sense of appropriate blame. More that if I'm reminded of the incident I am also reminded of how unjust that was and have feelings about it accordingly for a few minutes or hours or maybe a day. Then I can go on with life. It took a while though.

 

[Nam]

But when I'm in "remission", I feel pretty darn normal. I'm able to work, take care of normal daily things, and I don't have to think about my past at all. I've gone months without thinking about it. It's when stress gets too high or I have another memory surface do I go back down.

I think it's more like diabetes. Change your lifestyle a bit, take your meds, go to doc appointments, ease the symptoms. There is no cure for diabetes but it's livable. But it can also be very, very bad if untreated. It can also go from fine to terrible in a short amount of time. Just like PTSD. It takes some diligence, lots of self-care, and family/medical support.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

There is no cure for diabetes but it's livable.

So so totally agree @Nam