Tired, Beaten Up, And Not Sure How To Eat For The Rest Of The Month

[Deleted member 28986]

Preface: I am not going to kill myself; this is simply ideation.

I am hurting so much right now. Death—completely devoid of consciousness, pain—has appeal. I have done the best I could. I have so many problems (not that I am special in this way) and I can't cope. I won't bore you with the problems, but I don't know how I can mentally OR physically survive for another month. My body is crushed under a ten-car pileup (metaphorically).

I don't know where to begin and I've tried to get help and if any is available I can't find it. I'm not stupid. I'm just crushed. I have no family and no real friends.

There is so much pain ahead of me and I lack the will to try any more.

I usually don't stay emotionally down for long periods of time, so I expect I'll be feeling better. Eventually the avoidance will kick in and I'll "forget" about my problems emotionally, but still have the intrusive left-brain thoughts. I can deal with bad thoughts much easier than bad feelings, so I look forward to THAT grim future.

I'm sorry.

 

[Deleted member 28986]

Why do the words others say affect me so much? Why, when they are angry, do I feel anger? I feel it so strongly. Their emotions become mine.

It can be really dangerous.

 

[shimmerz]

but I don't know how I can mentally OR physically survive for another month. My body is crushed under a ten-car pileup (metaphorically).

Seriously, I wish there was a place that we could go where the world is not allowed to intrude, even just to catch our breath. I expect it would be the size of a city. When work needed to be done, those who could pitch in would, and those that couldn't, well absolutely no judgement. But no....

There is a guy who walks 34 km to work and back and people on the You Caring site or whatever it is called have pledged 300K to this guy. Really? And people are freezing on the street because they don't have a home they can walk to after work (which they can't do). Sorry, it makes me so mad.

I don't know your situation but it sounds dire. I am there too. There are no words and I am so very sorry that we share a similar space right now. What I do know is that people get really uncomfortable around this type of thing. It feels (to me) so much like abandonment and neglect. There are so many excuses as to why they close their eyes to it. It is tragic and I feel like the fabric of society is so messed up. It doesn't help you though, all of my musings as to the why's and the how comes. I am so sorry....and you have a great reason to be angry....this is so wrong and it is so damned cold out there (metaphorically speaking).

 

[Momofthree]

I have no words, just understanding and sympathy.

 

[Deleted member 28986]

It feels (to me) so much like abandonment and neglect.

It does feel that way.

In tough times, I'm supposed to tell myself:

• Even though I feel afraid, nothing's going to hurt me.
• I'm safe right where I am.
• I'm an adult with allies, skills, and resources.
• and a variety of other usually helpful things

These are great much of the time. But occasionally, I really am at risk of being hurt because I'm actually not safe where I am. Sometimes my allies are few, my skills don't apply, and the resources to which I have access have petered out. At these times, I think it makes it worse to say the above bullet points. At those times, when I say it, I know I'm lying to myself.

I was with my therapist a few weeks ago and was very triggered and the above points weren't helping with my situation. I asked him multiple times, "WHAT CAN I DO?" and I never got a helpful response. I believe he viewed it as healthy venting, and maybe he didn't realize I was honestly asking. I'll bring this up again next week.

understanding and sympathy

Thank you. Really.

 

[shimmerz]

@The One Who Knocks , oh man do I understand this:

"WHAT CAN I DO?" and I never got a helpful response. I believe he viewed it as healthy venting, and maybe he didn't realize I was honestly asking.

This stuff is so outside of the box and so many people have emotional issues around it that - well there is no easy way to say this. Nobody wants to hear it.

Would you like to PM me @The One Who Knocks ? Would having someone actually hear you help you at all? We don't even need to talk about 'it' but just to have some sort of connection? If not please just keep me informed as you will be on my radar. You are, I am sorry to say, in good company. I wish I was a lone soldier. Really....

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[StellaBlue]

Seriously, I wish there was a place that we could go where the world is not allowed to intrude, even just to catch our breath.

This reminded me of a beautiful poem by Frances Driscoll called The Island of Raped Women (it can be googled).

It makes me so sad that so many folks are struggling. @The One Who Knocks and @shimmerz, you are both in my thoughts. I wish you both places of peace - even if it's just to catch your breath.