Just Hate My Life Today

[Chava]

Looking forward to going to bed and knowing I might just wake up and feel differently. I want to tolerate the low feelings better without the extremes of panic, feeling like I need to sell my house and get the hell out of here, or wanting to die. Some of this is hormone shit, I know. Doesn't make things easier, but helps to just know I can hate my life for a few hours without needing to change it right now. Went for a walk and was still hating myself and my life, but probably that helped things not get worse for the afternoon. Walking helps.

Thinks it's hard as things transform though because I don't totally understand what I'm feeling. I'm used to wanting to burn myself or soothing myself through holding a knife. I don't do well with the continuous low-level depression (sometimes intensified to wanting to die). But I'm not actually destroying myself, so that's good. I just don't know what the f*ck I'm doing.

Just wanted to express that I guess...feeling a mixture of depressed + anxiously trapped, which is a really yucky mix (in nerd speak I suppose it both ANS and SNS firing together, or like "freeze"). Feeling like a piece of shit for no reason and also like I've been punched in the head. I can take muscle relaxants in a few hours. Tomorrow will be a new day. Countdown...

 

[scout86]

helps to just know I can hate my life for a few hours without needing to change it right now.

You know, as simple as that sounds, it's kind of profound. I've never really thought about it that way and I kind of like the idea.

take care @Chava!

 

[Polly_pocket]

I'm low on words but I'd like to offer you empathy and hugs. I know the feeling-in fact I'm probably there now. It will past, I have to believe it for myself and you. When I am low I treat it like flu of the brain, I just need to take it easy and practice self care, and wait it out.

:hug:

 

[Chava]

Thanks @Polly_pocket my muscle relaxants made me feel like a real loser today but it was basically better mood-wise