Re-evaluating The Past...

[illusionist]

You are probably right! ....next step is accepting that. That's what he is. You can't change that, nor the past.
Good on you! You have obviously worked hard to get to where you are....it's good to remind ourselves of where we've come from and where we are at now.

I am extremely lucky in that my abusers have been out of my life since leaving at 18.....so many people on here have never had that choice and must make things a whole lot harder.

 

[scout86]

BUT my only question here is why his kids came before me? I don't want his love but it pisses me off when people have different standards for their progeny and ruthless standards for other people's kids!

You kind of answered your own question there.

I suppose he is a narcissistic moron who feeds on other people's misery

Entirely possible!
Does it really matter what his reason was? It won't change anything, will it? He sounds like a horrible excuse for a human being. People like that generally aren't fair and reasonable, much less are they kind.

What are HIS children like now? Are they kind, compassionate people who are determined to make the world a better place? Hard working? Creative? Are they the kind of people YOU would like to be? A lot of people who are raised to think they're better than anyone else grow up to be pretty obnoxious and not much use. As difficult as your childhood was, and in spite of the fact that it wasn't the plan, I'd be willing to bet you're a better person than they are now.

 

[J_trustno1]

@scout86 : wow! Thanks. No, I don't want to be dependent like his children. He gave them wrong teachings like "Never accept your mistakes and always try your best to hide your mistake but pick faults in others". I remember him saying this to his children at our house when I was 14. His kids have no self-respect or morals for example: he was swearing at his son at our house in 2013 just because he went to a party and refused to do chores for him. He was telling his son that he has fed him, clothed him, paying for his education and gave him luxuries but he's good for nothing. When I told his son that why the hell is he listening to his fathers crap when he can earn for his own education, the son just refused to say anything in return. His son, always used to belittle me whenever he met me on the uni bus and put me down.

Next comes his daughter, who ran away from home before turning 18 and left high school without completing final year. she lived in an apartment with her bf and her mother bought the apartment for her. She got engaged at 19 and her father payed for all the engagement party. She got married at 21 and her father hosted 4 diffeent parties for her (i.e. at the temple, at the restaurant, at the Zoo where the wedding was held and on her 21st birthday). The father paid for all the expenses for all the guests that arrived. He gave her a $560 000 house. I am not saying that I want to be crippled with this kind of money or help, all I wanted was respect. His daughter and son-in-law were asking me "when are you getting married, have you found anyone, what job are you doing, how much money will you be earning" and that too on the day my grandfather died and at his funeral. NOTE: this is coming from people who did jack shit in their lives. Seriously, where are the ethics gone in this family of his ?? I paid for my own education and living and I have no regrets because I am not dependent and I have something even bigger which is called "SELF RESPECT".

His Ex-wife (mother of his children) made fun of me saying that "I will be working at restaurants even after graduation", or giving me suggestions that I should work at retail (P.S. Hello! I have enough work experience from retail and supermarkets). She then told me to find Indian guys in the area near the temple and sleep around to stop my menstrual cramps.

They are very filthy and disgusting people and I feel they are really not part of my life anymore and I don't want them to be in my life either. I want my life to be full of love and harmony. I am not crippled like his children, I am sure that with some patience, time and hardwork I can reach anywhere in life I wish to. I really don't need to liven on scraps thrown by them.

That's all.

 

[scout86]

I am sure that with some patience, time and hardwork I can reach anywhere in life I wish to.

I am sure of that too! See, he didn't mean to, but he did you a favor. He will probably never have the courage to admit it, but the important thing is YOU know. :hug:

 

[J_trustno1]

@scout86 : Thank you. You have really helped. I don't want to be like his parasitic kids. I have mind, health, hardwork and perseverance which they don't. Most importantly, self-respect is more important than living on crumbs thrown by others.

@joeylittle : Thank you posting her. I read your post and I believe you are very right. I don't see this child labor as hurtful as I did last year. I am not at all terrorized by the entire child labor thing. I think it kinda made me who I am today which is an independent woman who has self-respect, hardworking, determined and dedicated to her work and she never gives up on any goals she decides to accomplish. All those memories don't hurt me as much the way they did before, yes it is sad for a kid to go through this and I know that I will not let my future kids or anyone elses kids or even treat animals the way they did. I'm simply not any of my abusers which is in fact a blessing. I'm happy to be me. With this therapy and self-work I am starting to understand who I am and what actually is my purpose in life which I had no idea for the last 12 years of suffering from depression. I had no self-identity but I am actually getting to know myself and my strengths more and more with the challenges, therapy and self-acceptance. However, one thing I don't understand is that why do I have no tolerance for my abusers and why am I emotionally numb towards them? Does this make me that angry and hateful person again or are these feeling justifiable?


I want to thank @Nam and @richter scale writing their views on this thread.

 

[joeylittle]

However, one thing I don't understand is that why do I have no tolerance for my abusers and why am I emotionally numb towards them? Does this make me that angry and hateful person again or are these feeling justifiable?

I think the feelings are justifiable, and as long as the feelings are not causing you to have serious emotional distress, then they just are what they are. I would imagine that if you were in a different country and didn't have to see any of these people regularly, they might pass into the back of your memory sooner. But personally, I don't think you (or any of us) are expected to forgive them or love them as part of your trauma work. They did bad things to you. Of course you don't want to be in a room with them. But feeling numb - by that do you mean neutral, a sort of "no feeling"? Because that is generally considered to be good.

I hope you can manage your time so that you see them as little as possible.

 

[J_trustno1]

@joeylittle : Thanks for replying. I don't see them as often now and I have no feelings for them anymore. They are like nobody for me. I mean some people who are just strangers and you don't know them , that's the kind of feelings I'm having these days. I don't see the need to prove them wrong or wanting the need to be accepted by them. I am not trying to be perfect for them to seek approval anymore because they make mistakes yet fail to admit at least I have the guts to accept my mistakes or shortcomings.

 

[Changing4Best]

Buy some stuffed animals and crayons and a coloring book for your inner child. I even used to play with trucks and cars when I was a kid, so if that interests you, go for it. Find time to go to a play ground and swing on the swings. Do the things you never got to do as a child, so your inner child will feel fulfilled.