I feel like you are looking for a way of controlling what is external to you (her PTSD, if she has it) rather than doing the hard work, which is looking at what you can be doing to protect you and your kids from this situation. Drugs aren't going to make 'your' (and the people you are responsible for) situation better.
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Relationship I'm Dating A Ptsd Woman..
- Post starter J.E.K
- Start date
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Justmehere
Sponsor
She has cheated on you in the past. She is angry and accusing of you often, and terrified you will leave her. She is not yet divorced and you are worried she is cheating on you again or "secretly" speaking to her soon-to-be-ex who has custody of her child. She has already been through 5 divorces and tells you she has PTSD and you don't know if she has been diagnosed by a professional, but you already let your kids get attached to her. Medication would not be proof of an official diagnosis of PTSD even if she was on medication. She isn't divorced yet, so technically she is cheating - and you are the one she is cheating with. Your kids are at risk being deeply affected by this situation.
I think you need to go talk to a therapist about why you don't feel like you deserve someone better and more able to be in a close and healthy relationship with you. There were problems in the relationship long before PTSD came into the picture. I think a therapist is the best person to give input on what is going on for you, as well as her.
It really sounds like you don't trust her and yet you stay with her or keep returning back to her again and again and that suggests there is more going on for you than just a history of angry outbursts. Love alone isn't enough to make a relationship work.
I think you need to go talk to a therapist about why you don't feel like you deserve someone better and more able to be in a close and healthy relationship with you. There were problems in the relationship long before PTSD came into the picture. I think a therapist is the best person to give input on what is going on for you, as well as her.
You made a mistake in the past, you screwed up and kicked her. That is domestic violence and I'm glad you have done what you have done to resolve your anger. However, you don't deserve to have someone be verbally abusive at you now and dish out to you anything. Enabling her angry rants isn't good for her, for you, or your children.
It really sounds like you don't trust her and yet you stay with her or keep returning back to her again and again and that suggests there is more going on for you than just a history of angry outbursts. Love alone isn't enough to make a relationship work.
- Post starter
- #15
My kids are attached because we were together for 4 yrs and we had a family. I understand all you are saying and I'm here to see if my feelings are what they are. I'm struggling as to stay and work it thru or jus leave and let go.. I kin she fears of feeling deserted, I know she needs to get helps especially if she plans to try and fight to get her son back. I'm a strong person and have been thru my own battles and have conquered them and surpassed it. I needed this all to open my eyes to reality about PTSD. I don't mind working for something if it's worth it or if both of us r trying. She I believe just wants to give up blame everyone else and get others to support her "bad life" instead getting help to fix herself.
- Post starter
- #16
Another blunt one here, I hope you are ready for the truth. I hope you are not offended.
You are both a hot mess right now. Your relationship dynamic is toxic and immature, and selfish, and will destroy your children's future. You need to focus on yourself and your kids exclusively. You have more learning and growing to do. You'd be wise to read several books about toxic relationships and learn more about why you even allow this sort of behavior in your life, and get back to therapy if possible, long term.
Your desire to be with someone so irresponsible shows very low self-worth. You both also lack proper self control and boundaries, although big kudos to you for doing work on your anger issues! Its just that there is much more work yet to be done with deeper issues.
All in all, you shouldn't even date until you've done enough work on yourself to chose a healthy partner and model a healthy relationships. Your kids literally need you to do this work.
You are both a hot mess right now. Your relationship dynamic is toxic and immature, and selfish, and will destroy your children's future. You need to focus on yourself and your kids exclusively. You have more learning and growing to do. You'd be wise to read several books about toxic relationships and learn more about why you even allow this sort of behavior in your life, and get back to therapy if possible, long term.
Your desire to be with someone so irresponsible shows very low self-worth. You both also lack proper self control and boundaries, although big kudos to you for doing work on your anger issues! Its just that there is much more work yet to be done with deeper issues.
All in all, you shouldn't even date until you've done enough work on yourself to chose a healthy partner and model a healthy relationships. Your kids literally need you to do this work.
Queen Boudica
VIP Member
You can't fix her.
- Post starter
- #19
Don't do anything with here. Dude, its over. End the relationship permanently today. Move forward, stop communicating with her like an addict who keeps coming back for the abuse! Great message for the kids.
Also yeah you can fix YOU on your own or with the help of a Therapist. Nobody else. No one.
NO YOU CAN'T!
Only she can fix herself and only if she wants to. You can ask her to get therapy, you can say you want to support her. But only she can do the therapy, only she can put in the work, and until she is ready to do so she is going to keep manipulating, lying and cheating to you and others.
Put up some healthy boundaries that say "I will help you if..." And "I won't help you if.." And tell her you won't accept her manipulation or her ranting at you. Let her know that if she mistreats you or your children you will leave. Then do it.
Allowing her to continue to walk over you isn't doing anyone any favours. You can want the world for her but until she wants it for herself than its not going to get any better and will likely get worse.
D
Deleted member 1860
I understand that you believe yourself to be a strong person, but it doesn't help anyone to use this as a reason to stick by someone. That is, PTSD is a whole 'nother can o-worms, and until you've actually gone through the supporting role, you never really know if you can do it for sure. There are TONS of people out there who are "strong" yet wouldn't be the best supporter for someone with PTSD.
You seem like you want to be the white knight....Yes, a very real phenomenon! (I dumped a guy like this....he made everything about me being "sick" and trying to fix me.) The truth is that your role is ONLY to support. She MUST be the one who seeks out treatment, she MUST be the one who works hard on her healing. MANY people need to hit rock bottom before this happens. (In my case it was nearly losing everything, including my life.)
Why are you still paying for kicking her so long ago? This is not a healthy relationship dynamic in the least! Partner does wrong, partner repents, couple moves forward. This woman sounds like my mother in that she holds EVERYTHING against you! OMG I have things from my childhood held against me, from 25 years ago! (I was a child.....SMH.)
She feels deserted? UHM, who's fault is that? Why can't you see her role in being deserted so many times? You're feeding into victim mentality by pitying her for being deserted, with the attitude of "I'll stay by you even though everyone else was SOOO mean and left you!" Everyone has standards for behavior. Seems to me like she thinks she can behave whatever way she wants and then when things go south, blame the other person. Yes, she has a mental illness, but at the same time, she needs to take responsibility for her role in all of this.
And I know that sometimes the courts DO get it wrong, but I still wonder if she had a major role in losing custody of her kid in that you are in America, the country that loves to give the mom custody. Maybe you're buying into all of her manipulation crap and she is simply bad mouthing the ex? Maybe that kid IS better off with his father? (And if not, God help that child as he is going to need it.)
You seem like you want to be the white knight....Yes, a very real phenomenon! (I dumped a guy like this....he made everything about me being "sick" and trying to fix me.) The truth is that your role is ONLY to support. She MUST be the one who seeks out treatment, she MUST be the one who works hard on her healing. MANY people need to hit rock bottom before this happens. (In my case it was nearly losing everything, including my life.)
Why are you still paying for kicking her so long ago? This is not a healthy relationship dynamic in the least! Partner does wrong, partner repents, couple moves forward. This woman sounds like my mother in that she holds EVERYTHING against you! OMG I have things from my childhood held against me, from 25 years ago! (I was a child.....SMH.)
She feels deserted? UHM, who's fault is that? Why can't you see her role in being deserted so many times? You're feeding into victim mentality by pitying her for being deserted, with the attitude of "I'll stay by you even though everyone else was SOOO mean and left you!" Everyone has standards for behavior. Seems to me like she thinks she can behave whatever way she wants and then when things go south, blame the other person. Yes, she has a mental illness, but at the same time, she needs to take responsibility for her role in all of this.
And I know that sometimes the courts DO get it wrong, but I still wonder if she had a major role in losing custody of her kid in that you are in America, the country that loves to give the mom custody. Maybe you're buying into all of her manipulation crap and she is simply bad mouthing the ex? Maybe that kid IS better off with his father? (And if not, God help that child as he is going to need it.)
Justmehere
Sponsor
I know you don't want her to feel deserted. However, letting her feel that pain might be the only way she will get more help to get better.
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