When Do I Get To Feel Safe Again? Ever?

[MT Johnny]

I just feel like no matter what I do in life to either occupy my mind or improve my situation, I can still never be safe because of the nature of my particular demon, something that will always exist.

So I just feel like I will never feel safe, carefree, without this thing always on my radar screen.

I want it gone!!!

 

[RussH]

this is a very good question; i only wish I had a very good answer.

 

[rightkindofme]

I have moments of that now. After 30 years of therapy. I've gone through dozens of programs/workbooks on "healing from trauma". Now I have moments of feeling safe. Moments, mind you. I don't have hours or days or weeks. But I have individual minutes where I feel a flood of "Nothing bad is going to happen today." They are wonderful.

And then that minute ends and it is back to business as usual. Sigh.

 

[garden]

@MT Johnny I think a lot of can relate. I always lock everything (doors,windows), and I always think about an escape, and I will not venture out some place if I think it's not set up for an easy escape. I never had a solid sense of safety, and more recently, due to recent trauma that took place Jan 2014, I am really convinced that there is not safe place. I am working on this too. I understand your frustration, I want it gone too. I would love to get to a place where I could experience moments of feeling safe, and knowing that someone else has found a way to get that gives me hope @rightkindofme.

 

[MT Johnny]

What is weird, I can "feel" exactly what I used to "feel like" when none of this current fiasco was on my radar screen - "before" just had a very different feeling to it, "carefree" or "innocent" compared to how things are now.

I know, this is a universally common issue with PTSD sufferers, so it's kinda rhetorical for me even to ask it - I guess this is one of those "misery loves company" kind of posts - but the validation of knowning "I'm not alone" helps a lot.

I see my trauma therapist a couple of times a week, today is the day, and I often spend the day thinking about "what is my theme for the day" for therapy, and today, it's that question "when do I get to feel safe?" or more broadly, "when is this over?"

Because it feels like a never-ending ride at the amusement park, where they won't slow it down and they won't let you get off.

And I just wanna get off and relax.

 

[Ocean5]

I felt safe for first time when I moved 1500 miles away for college, and that person didn't know my exact location. I still had hypervigilance though, but I could relax. Then in past year re-exposed to youth. Since then like constant fear and anxiety. Like you said, "I just wanna get off and relax."

And I try so hard to relax. Doc says the things I do like long walks, listening to positive affirmations, trying to notice new things to ground me are helpful and positive, but that my anxiety is extreme. So I get to try a new medicine. Let's hope it helps.

I can tell you one thing - I use to be a news junkie and love International Affairs. I've stopped watching news after past few weeks. Just made me worse.

 

[rightkindofme]

I think for me, part of it is I am capable of feeling happy with being safe in this minute even if I think bad things will happen again in the future. There are certain minutes during the day when I can be relatively sure nothing traumatic will happen in the next 10 minutes. My life is kind of boring. During those periods I can take a breath and enjoy being where I am.

I have a lot of crazy stuff planned for the future. I may well get assaulted again. But I'm not going to stop living my life just because it might happen.

 

[shimmerz]

Hmmmm, hard for me to even conceptualize what safe even is. Taking a walk? Afraid of trees or people jumping out at me. Shopping? Can't stand people around me. Hanging out with family? Nope, hardly. Honestly, I have no idea what safe is. How to attain something that I have no concept of is challenging.

 

[rightkindofme]

Well if you are afraid the trees will jump out at you.... yeah that's going to be tough.

 

[shimmerz]

Well if you are afraid the trees will jump out at you

Nope, afraid someone is hiding in the trees

yeah that's going to be tough

Yep. It is. lol.