The Day I Realized Ptsd Was A Life Long Condition?

[MyPTSD]

How did you react the day you realized PTSD was a life long condition?

Have you accepted that PTSD is with you for life? If not, why not?

Did this realization make your thoughts on PTSD better or worse?

 

[Recovery4Me]

The understanding of PTSD as well as the accepted acronym has been an longtime forth coming in being sanctioned by the DSM. As a result much of my trauma based therapy over a half of century did not adequately deal nor present regulation techniques outside of prescribed masking drugs.

I often felt shame based depression for not totally recovering and re-dealing with PTSD each time I went to therapy through out those many years... until I came here. I learned the science & truth presented by post such as these, Anthony, members and staff which helped me accept that there was nothing to hide nor be ashamed about.

Had any of the therapist had the foresight or knowledge as is available to us at this time, I would have gladly accepted that PTSD is a life long companion with less inner critic flogging as well as despair. So I was relieved to find this out.

With new inner confidence + the kind acceptance from this community, I have been moving forward in regulation without false shame from not eradicating my condition. Thank you sincerely for those gifts.

 

[The Albatross]

I was ultimately cool with it cuz I work in elder populations mainly with chronic illnesses and have some of those myself. I would of course, RATHER be "healed" but have come to realize that it isn't likely. So I decided it was "adversity" and that in life I was not guaranteed anything except I was given a way to live with the condition... like a lot of my clients do and like I do for my physical status/ailments/conditions.

In the end I guess it made it easier to live with because the answer to most all of my physical conditions was "lifestyle change"... I consider PTSD to be a "lifestyle change" as well.

 

[holdenmonty]

I think I know it will be a life long condition but I don't think I have fully accepted it quite yet and that is mainly because when I stoped treatment the first time my therapist told me that I was as good as I was going to get and that I had made a lot of improvement, and the therapist that I'm seeing now told me that they don't see me as diagnosable with PTSD even though I have symptoms of PTSD so there is the self doubting part of me that is telling me that I don't technically have it anymore but the other side that is standing up for myself reminds myself that there is scientific evidence that prolonged stress such as in PTSD changes how your brain works so it's a perminant thing.

But knowing that it is something that I will have the rest of my life is a little depressing when I think of the rest of my life because I'm only 26 and plan on living into my late 80's but at the same time it helps in another way knowing that it will stick with me the rest of my life so when different symptoms are noticed I don't wonder why the different symptoms are noticed but I accept it instead of judging myself for the symptoms

 

[MT Johnny]

I've been bashing myself for 2 1/2 years because I "need this thing gone" and I need to be "fixed" or "cured" 100%. A big part of that is my fear of the label of "mental illness" and the stigma/discrimination/abuse that can go with that, as well as my own, self-admittedly very irrational fears that people in my personal life will use knowledge of my diagnosis/condition/treatment against me in various ways, to "take it all away from me". So it has been very much a constant state of despair because I have done X, Y, and Z and then some in terms of trying various treatments ... and it's still here. In fact, right now, I have to say I'm in just about the worst depression I've had since 2012 when my world blew up in my face.

I'm killing myself doing this - I don't want to have to go to doctors and therapists for some undetermined length of time, or maybe forever until I die. I'm self-conscious about it, embarrassed about it, and generally relate to the OP's statement about "shame-based depression" because that is what so much of my life is about.

2 1/2 years later, and I still do things like ... always park in a different area of the parking lot each time I go to the therapist's office (twice a week) in the hopes that no one will notice my car is there frequently ... if someone else is on the elevator, I will push the button for a different floor and then take the stairs up or down a couple of flights as need be so no one sees me get off on "the floor" since the MH clinic where my therapist works for is enormous and takes up an entire floor in a large office tower. Slink into the pharmacy at odd times (like just before closing) to pick up refills. That sort of thing.

Because I am so ashamed of "being crazy" in this society, and even more fearful of what people might do TO me as a result of "being crazy" - that I'm making myself crazy.

 

[holdenmonty]

I was right there with you for the longest time MT. I'm really not sure quite what happened maybe I heard some other stories about people getting help but I was like you know what f*ck it. If people find out and don't like it then f*ck them I'm proud of myself for getting help and if they don't like me for it then they need to get the f*ck out of my life.

 

[Friday]

How did you react the day you realized PTSD was a life long condition?

It was a lightbulb moment. Oh. Wow. Okay... Well this all suddenly makes sense. Hugely relieving.

Have you accepted that PTSD is with you for life? If not, why not?

Yes & No. Whenever I get really bad off I don't have PTSD ;) I'm fine. Dammit.

It's a me thing. Broken bone? Fine. Sick as a dog? Fine. Starving? Dude. I'm fine. Broke, broken, homeless, beat down, chaseus mthfkrin I'm fine. Now go. away. & quit asking me stupid questions. I've had worse. This sucks, but I'll sort it. It's gonna be cake.

Did this realization make your thoughts on PTSD better or worse?

Both. The moral dilemma is a problem I haven't sorted, yet. Meaning, that the only kind of work I'm good at, the kind I've never had a problem going back to when I was just effin crazy? (Cause hell, we're all crazy in one way or another.). Where's my honor in this one? I don't know.

Honestly, I came to terms a helluva long time ago that I'm a pretty terrible person. I'm okay with that. But not being able to work? That drives me to suicidal despair faster than almost anything. Not being able to protect the ones I love is the only thing that beats it, and it's all tied up part and parcel at present. So it's a difficult thing.

 

[MT Johnny]

I was right there with you for the longest time MT. I'm really not sure quite what happened maybe I heard some other stories about people getting help but I was like you know what f*ck it. If people find out and don't like it then f*ck them I'm proud of myself for getting help and if they don't like me for it then they need to get the f*ck out of my life.

I wish I knew how to adopt that attitude. I can understand the mechanics of "why I can't" - the old man was horrible to me, and part of that was "I had to be perfect or else" - he beat the snot out of me emotionally, psychologically, and threatened me physically (he was good with threats, but never actually roughed me up too much) for any perceived transgression - like getting a B+ on a test in high school was considered a major trangression. But of course, as is pretty typical of a lot of abusive parents, the achievements, like straight A's in high school, getting a really high score on the SAT/ACTs, getting awarded a full but alas honorary college scholarship (awarded on academic merit but not given out because of lack of financial need) - those things were not even acknowledged, but do something "wrong" even if trivial, and all Hell broke loose on me and on my poor mom.

So, 2 1/2 years ago, it was the perfect storm - I went to a psychiatrist for panic attacks, anxiety, and expected a nice, sympathetic person who would help me - and that wasn't what I got - I got another person who should have been kind, but instead I got the iron fist yet again - and that in and of itself set off a cascade reaction of epic proportions - and made me feel like I was some kind of criminal ... and that was really hard for me to deal with emotionally.

 

[MT Johnny]

@FridayJones

Is the ability to tolerate physical pain part of the whole PTSD thing? Because I have a very high tolerance for pain.

 

[Dana1010]

If PTSD is a permanent condition, where was it before it "hit?" I know my PTSD was caused by events that took place years and years before I developed the disorder, so why the delay? Was it in my body that whole time, and if so why could I not feel it? What was it up to? I have to admit I don't want to believe I'm going to be like this forever.

 

[anthony]

Well... lets just say, I didn't believe a word that came out of the docs mouth, and believed I would beat it and get back to life as normal soon enough.

 

[Friday]

LMAO @anthony... Wasn't the Q "when you first realized"... Not when you were first told? I had to ask permission to speak freely when I was first told. In 1997. Or 98? Long ass time ago. "Realized", otoh, about 6 months ago ;)

@MT Johnny ...No idea. I don't think so, though.