General Do You Sometimes Feel "insignificant"?

[Deleted member 28812]

Let me start with a story from my childhood. My parents came across some old buildings that had not been properly renovated for decades. So that needed to be done and my parents drafted us kids for easy jobs - whom else should they have drafted? Later they became well-off and hired people but at first they drafted us.
I never complained and am actually proud of my "work". Coming from a big family we were also drafted for caring for relatives kids. Comin from a christian family we were also drafted for charity.

Much later I married my vet. I talked to my Dad about some of the things he struggles with and how I have to do them. My father said "Yes, of course... because you are pretty strong. You have to do them because you can do them. Think of this relative and that relative and their hard life and they never complained". He is right about the relatives, they had a hard life. My dad had a hard life to and he has a favourite saying which is:
"Be happy you are alive" - meaning that you have no right to complain unless you are dying.

But then my vet isn't dying, know what I mean?
So I sometimes do ask myself why he and my father seem to think my feelings are insignificant. I sometimes do feel that our marriage is more about my vet than about me or maybe I am just feeling like this.

Why are some people allowed to be weak and others are not?

Let me add that I really do love going clubbing and dancing but we never do this because of his PTSD. So I sometomes do feel like I have a stressful life but no recreation.

 

[Fadeaway]

My father said "Yes, of course... because you are pretty strong. You have to do them because you can do them. Think of this relative and that relative and their hard life and they never complained". He is right about the relatives, they had a hard life.

Ouch! Even if he means well, that is a very misguided and harmful statement. Being the strong one can burn a person out pretty quick. Recreation is a must.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

*lol* People see me as older than my years so I always have to be the strong one. Why are there some people on this world who are always expected to be strong and to see the world is not about them and to suck it up?
Why is my vet not expected to suck it up? Well he is trying to suck it up... but maybe try a bit harder... he can't... but my Dad could at least try and be a bit more understanding. My problems are not unimportant.

Do I have "strong one" written on my forehead?

 

[ms spock]

Do I have "strong one" written on my forehead?

Pretty much, that is the role that you have been assigned. I was the scapegoat. That was the role I was assigned in your family? Was I happy with this and is it fair. No it is not.

 

[shimmerz]

Being the strong one, everyone has their eyes on you. It is all about performance. That is your purpose, in their eyes. The problem is that being strong at all times will eventually lead to a fall. And all eyes will still be on you. And tales will be told of how you 'let them down'. And they will shun you because you are no longer worthwhile in their eyes. And because you bought into it all you may well feel you are no longer worthwhile.

Go out and freaking dance. The world will not end.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

What I miss most since I am married is really dolling myself up and go dancing *lol*.

There is a dancing class at our church. They do a lot of social stuff. It's too late to join now but there probably will another one. I actually don't need a dancing class because I am a good dancer. Used to dance as a hobby, but would like to go anyway.
But then as a married woman - just don't know if it would be right. Actually I fell in love with a dancing partner once. He was gay and I never told him *lol*.

There is a guy who has a physically disabled wife in our church - I tought about asking him but then decided against it. Don't even know if he likes to dance.

 

[GWhizz]

I was the 'strong' one for years. I eventually crumbled. If you like dancing/clubbing, go do it! Live your life for you too, not just others. Being loving to ourselves helps strengthen us for others.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

I've been the strong one for 30 years. Like other members here I was the scapegoat. I had to be perfect. If I did something wrong I disappointed them I failed. I wasn't allowed to feel sad or hurt. I had to be strong and make them proud. Now, through therapy I am starting to be able to feel sad and hurt and cry. Its changing my life. I can sit down and cry, really experience my sadness and after that I experience immense joy. I am starting to feel human again. I am understanding that part of being human is to feel sad and hurt.

It's inhuman to be strong all the times. Robots can do that not humans.

Feel your anger about the things your father said feel you sadness your hurt your pain. Really feel it and then go dancing!

 

[holdenmonty]

It isn't easy and it drives me nuts when somebody says suck it up or get over it or any of those sayings that basically say just ignore it. Yesterday my brother in law and I were talking and he was calling me out on how I'm probably a little over protective of my family and he said all you have to do is just stop it and I tried to explain to him that it's not that easy but he wouldn't let up so I stopped him and forced him to talk about something else.

Sometimes that advice is good if your focused on something but then they should follow it up with helping you unless it's my brother in law and I don't trust that if I tell him something then he won't tell other people.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

Not sure if I like to go dancing without my hubby. I want to do this so much with him and would feel a bit like a slut. I fell in love with my very gay dancing partner. To be very honest I have "desired" other men in the past... but I never acted on this.
It's actually not really the men I desired but... don't know... their carelessness... the idea that my life could be easier. Please don't judge me for it. I never acted on it and I do know why I love my husband and want no other man.

I do meet men without my hubby and it's all platonic... but dancing. I just don't know. Maybe dancing has another meaning for me than it does have for other people. *lol* Does that sound silly?

Okay. Now I am afraid that you point your finger at me and tell that I am a slut or that I am silly. *lol*

When I talked to my father I just told him how I hated that I always had to do a certain thing because my hubby struggles with it. It is not a big problem and I like to do it for him because he struggles with it but I hate the fact that I have to be so grown-up when sometimes I just want to be a little bit spoiled. I just wanted my father to empathize and say "Yes, that must suck".

My father just likes to point out the obvious like "He cannot do it, why do you complain?" but he does not need to point that out. I already do know this.

 

[holdenmonty]

Don't worry Lemontree you aren't a slut. I am horrible at dancing but good at slow dancing but I have noticed that the few times that my wife and I have danced together there is a special connection that we have. It gets me going I guess you could say... I am the same way sometimes to like when my brother in law starts talking about super serious stuff and I share a little. I'm not sharing so you can tell me to deal with it. I'm telling you to try and get a little sympothy because in all honesty sometimes that is all I need. Maybe it's selfish to want a little sympothy but what the hey it's about time I'm a little selfish.

Sorry got off on a little rant.

 

[Sighs]

In about a 6 month period my daughter was diagnosed with autism, I spent a week in hospital with both my lungs collapsed and my then husband was diagnosed with MS. I could NOT believe the number of people who said "Oh! You must have kissed a Chinaman!" Leaving aside the racism (Not to excuse the breathtaking racism, but not really the point in this post.) I couldn't believe that they were somehow blaming ME! Even in a stupid superstitious way!

Other people patted me on the shoulder and said "God only gives you what he knows you can cope with." WTF?

@Lemontree - any chance you can crank the music up at home and dance to your heart's content alone? Hugs if you accept them.