Try Forgiveness Or Gentleness?

[Tanishq]

I feel guilt when I can't go on walk or can't walk as I desired. I keep thinking I am not strong or avoiding some difficulty. I understand and acknowledge that I get trapped in self beat-up. I want to get out of this. What to try to ease up this guilty feeling?

Will forgiveness be effective? or being gentle with myself?

Any idea what to do when I am meeting guilt which is very hard to process?

 

[darrenS]

Guilt is one of those useless emotions that serves no purpose other than feeling bad , if you cant walk , then can you exercise , just so your mind can refocus and create a conducive environment rather than a negative one...and yes be gentle with yourself ...there is only one of u.

Guilt however you process it , will not give a positive return ...replace it with an emotion you can work through

 

[Tanishq]

Thanks Darren. Yes, that makes sense to me. Refocus to move on from guilt. Guilt is very tricky thing, I don't know why. It tricks you to focus on negativity.

Yes, it doesn't give a positive return.

Now I am thinking let go the guilt can be helpful,too.

 

[Friday]

I don't handle guilt very well. In fact, I handle it very badly. So I try and avoid it whenever possible.

One example is similar to yours:

I beat myself up if I'm not active every day, but I live in a place with bad weather. (10 months of rain rain rain.). I could go get cold and wet every day. I don't. Moreover, I won't. So the way I work around that is by creating a space in my home where I can be active. In *my* home I have a punching bag, and single-trapeze, and gymnastic &/or sparring mats, a balance beam, and climbing gear. And music for dancing. :D So, no matter what, I can move!!! Someday, I'd also like to have horses & a swimming pool. Someday, somewhere else!

I'm not living in my home at the moment. And I don't have reliable transportation, so I cannot get to the gym regularly (hate the gym, anyway). So I have guilt-guilt-guilt for not being fit and active. I try, and I fail, over and over to do this thing.

I cannot forgive myself. I try. Good practice. But I've always been bad at it.

I cannot go easy on myself. It's not in my nature. I do try. But, again, bad at it.

What does work, sometimes, is patience. I am very impatient, but I am better at patience than forgiving myself or being gentle with myself. Sigh. Patience. I don't like it, but I can do it. Now is not forever. I will leave again, be in my home. Have my gear. Or I will be elsewhere, where I can set things up.

Forgiveness is good.
Gentle is good.
But patience is something I can actually do.

What can you do? Forgive? Be gentle? Be patient? Something else?

 

[Deleted member 28812]

Will forgiveness be effective? or being gentle with myself?

Are others harmed by it or why do you feel guilty? Not sure if I get this.

 

[Tanishq]

@FridayJones Thanks so much. :)

So the way I work around that is by creating a space in my home where I can be active.

Creating space. Makes sense to me.

So, no matter what, I can move!!!

Keep moving. Makes sense to me.

What can you do? Forgive? Be gentle? Be patient? Something else?

I can be gentle. I see your point, I see how you work out. You choose to work it out by choosing your strength and the option you can work out. You can be patient, so that works for you.

Forgiveness. No, rarely forgive myself.
Be Gentle. Yes.
Be patient. Rarely.
Something else, I will keep in mind to see other options.

 

[Tanishq]

@Lemontree No-one is harmed by me, but I beat up myself over feeling guilt. Self harm.

I don't know why I feel guilty, but I know I want to work out things which I set as goal. When I can't do them, I feel guilty. I think guilt is an emotion, very negative one? Hard to answer for me.

Thanks for asking.

 

[crystaltear]

Sounds a bit like perfectionism to me. I struggle with this A LOT. I have high standards for myself (well they wouldn't seem so high if i wasn't struggling with PTSD) and I feel crappy and guilty when I don't meet them. Like I've failed, and the failure somehow is a reflection of who I am as a person. Which in my head I know is unhealthy and silly, but it doesn't always stop me feeling this way.

I think I struggle with this because I grew up in a household where there was absolutely no room for making mistakes, and any type of failure resulted in severe emotional, psychological (and the occasional physical) abuse. Maybe this rings true with other people too?

Guilt is an indicator that you believe what you are doing/ not doing/ feeling/ thinking/ desiring is inherently bad or wrong, which can often lead to shame which is when let guilt tell us we're bad people inside. When belief patterns change, guilt changes with it.

Forgive yourself! Give yourself permission to not be perfect. Be gentle and compassionate to yourself. In the grand scheme of things, it's just exercise. Tomorrow is a new day. :)

 

[illusionist]

Try replacing it with acceptance. Ok you may fail at something today, accept you have and try again tomorrow. Be realistic in your goals, and realistic in the timing .

 

[shimmerz]

I try to externalize it. I feel like guilt is built upon expectations. Would I expect so much of others? Are my expectations too high (I try to figure this out by trying to imagine my doling out this type of talk to others and if it doesn't fit for them, it most likely shouldn't be in my own self talk). What if I expect not to expect from myself? Am I an incredibly lazy slob that without being beaten to a pulp verbally would never do anything worthwhile? What is the different between challenging and abusing myself (or others if I can't attach to myself).

If nothing else, be fair....

 

[City Slicker]

When it comes to guilt I break down my actions into two types and I find:

1) If I set a goal - active and specific goals for example 'today I am going to run 10k' - and for any reason I come short of that, I am pi*sed off but I can cognitively think about what happened and then re-evaluate. I can make better sense of why I was not able to meet that goal. But I generally never feel guilty about it.

But: then there is the second type

2) If I haven't set a specific goal - there is no active or specific stated goal and it might just be a plan that I have, for example 'tonight I am going to go to the party', and for any reason I decide not to go, then I have the potential to feel guilt.

For me the difference is the first example is a stated goal and the second example is an implied expectation. I do much better when I do not achieve a stated goal than when I fail to achieve an expectation.

I think that stated goals are easier to navigate - unspoken expectations unlock the motherload of guilt.

When I became aware of that I was able to start to see that guilt usually comes for me when I have an implied or deep expectation of myself that I may or may not be aware of Perfectionism, fear of letting someone down... and the list goes on.

Speaking to myself when I begin to feel guilt lets me know there has usually been an expectation there that maybe i wasn't aware of before. And then lots and lots and lots of gentleness smooths the path.

 

[Tanishq]

@crystaltear I don't know how to thank you. You have offered so many ideas, hints and support. I appreciate this.

Sounds a bit like perfectionism to me.

Thanks for this hint.

I think I struggle with this because I grew up in a household where there was absolutely no room for making mistakes, and any type of failure resulted in severe emotional, psychological (and the occasional physical) abuse. Maybe this rings true with other people too?

Ditto, I grew up in this atmosphere where making mistake is forbidden. I am understanding what I am going through through your supportive thoughts. I did endure abuse when I made a mistake.

When belief patterns change, guilt changes with it.

Yes, makes sense to me.

Forgive yourself! Give yourself permission to not be perfect. Be gentle and compassionate to yourself. In the grand scheme of things, it's just exercise. Tomorrow is a new day. :)

Thanks for showing me a way. Indeed, today is a new day. :)