Sexual Assault Healing From Sexual Assault

[finding_my_way]

So, I'm healing from a sexual assault and have a few questions. If you have input on any or all, I'd appreciate hearing from your experience:

(1) What does the healing process entail? What kinds of steps do you take?

(2) Do you need to verbally tell your T your story or is writing it enough - and how do you get your T to let you tell your story? It's something I feel I need/want to do, but I know it will be painful so I can't bring myself to ask. I ask in e-mails but she never invites me to tell it to her in person. And, I'm worried she'll cut me off in the middle. How did you do this process with your T?

(3) Do you think being a virgin impacted how you responded to what happened? I wasn't raped but I feel like that set the tone for my mental context for what sex is, like anything sexual relates to sexual violence. And, I feel like any arousal stimulates memories of the assault and any memories of the assault stimulate arousal. It's making me crazy.

(4) The assault made me face my sexuality in that it took what made me a woman (what already caused shame) and threw it in my face. How do you reconcile that? Is that excess, heightened shame for being a woman or having sexual feelings normal?

(5) Did your T ever admit to being sexually assaulted? How do you even respond to something like that? I appreciate her honesty, but I don't know what to say because I feel like it would cross boundaries to ask her about her healing process.

(6) Do you ever wish you could have just been raped so you could see what happened as a crime? Or, do you ever want to just go have random sex with someone to mentally finish the crime?

(7) When does it start to get better?

and (8) Did you lose your voice/identity in the assault? How did you get it back? Was it different? I have so much grief and loss for now lacking my voice and I just want it back.

 

[Rumors]

I can't answer most of these, but I wanted to say that I am sorry for what you are going through. They are very normal feelings and questions and I have/had many of the same thoughts. Hang in there!

 

[Matilda]

I just want to write this to let you know that I am planning on answering as many of these questions as I can tomorrow but I'm going to sleep. Until then I'm sending lots of hugs :hug:

 

[WillyKat]

So, I'm healing from a sexual assault and have a few questions. If you have input on any or all, I'd appreciate hearing from your experience:

(1) What does the healing process entail? What kinds of steps do you take?

>> There are many, many processes. A good shrink will find something that works for you. But, being open with your shrink is certainly one of them. The trust must be there or else things might not work so well. Air it out. One more thing, you meet with your shrink once a week, generally. It's important to do more on your own, like reading, writing, and trying to understand more. Coming to this forum is part of that>>good!

(2) Do you need to verbally tell your T your story or is writing it enough - and how do you get your T to let you tell your story? It's something I feel I need/want to do, but I know it will be painful so I can't bring myself to ask. I ask in e-mails but she never invites me to tell it to her in person. And, I'm worried she'll cut me off in the middle. How did you do this process with your T?

>> Yes, verbally but also in writing if that helps you express. I'm a little concerned about "getting your T to let you". You shouldn't have to even think about this. Remember, it's your money; your shrink works for you. You can decide how things work. You shouldn't have to ask.

(3) Do you think being a virgin impacted how you responded to what happened? I wasn't raped but I feel like that set the tone for my mental context for what sex is, like anything sexual relates to sexual violence. And, I feel like any arousal stimulates memories of the assault and any memories of the assault stimulate arousal. It's making me crazy.

>>Not really. I think the same issues would be there regardless if you had sexual experiences before.

(4) The assault made me face my sexuality in that it took what made me a woman (what already caused shame) and threw it in my face. How do you reconcile that? Is that excess, heightened shame for being a woman or having sexual feelings normal?

>>That's all part of the poison sexual abusers put into our heads. "Normal" no. But it is common for abuse survivors to experience shame when it comes to sex.

(5) Did your T ever admit to being sexually assaulted? How do you even respond to something like that? I appreciate her honesty, but I don't know what to say because I feel like it would cross boundaries to ask her about her healing process.

>> This is a very touchy area. Generally, your shrink doesn't tell you their story. I think the only exception would be if your shrink is a male and you're a female and you're wondering if he can understand. He/she should not be doing this on a regular basis at all. If that's what's happening, you're giving them therapy not the other way around. You should ask about the healing process for other survivors, not about their specific process. So yes, I wouldn't go across that boundary.

(6) Do you ever wish you could have just been raped so you could see what happened as a crime? Or, do you ever want to just go have random sex with someone to mentally finish the crime?

>> I dunno if I can answer this one. What happened to me was a crime. But I really don't think random sex with someone will complete the first assault. It sounds like what happened to you was already a crime and doesn't need to be completed. Second, random sex isn't a crime; it's sex. Random violence wouldn't complete the first crime, it would just be another one. Sex=sex; rape=violence/crime.

(7) When does it start to get better?

>> You're here speaking about it and you're in therapy. The process has begun. It can take a long, long time. On the other hand, sometimes the progress can be very rapid, then sort of stall. You may reach a point in therapy where you just can't go further. I'm 55 and I first got real therapy in my 30s (after some bad therapy in my 20s). I made fairly rapid progress. After about 7 years of therapy, I took a 10 year break and went back 2.5 yrs ago. It went slow for a year but the last 1.5 have been going at a good clip. One sure-fire way to make it go slowly is to be in a rush. It happens when it happens.

and (8) Did you lose your voice/identity in the assault? How did you get it back? Was it different? I have so much grief and loss for now lacking my voice and I just want it back.

>> You've started by going to therapy and coming here.

It's a long process and requires patience. Don't look for a grand slam, one mighty blow that will fix things. There isn't one. Small attainable goals and self love.

 

[shrinkingviolet]

Lots of good questions but I don't know that it is the same for everyone. My first therapist took things slowly with me, allowing me to learn to trust her which made opening up feel safer. I was raped and at the time I truly wished he had killed me. I didn't know how I could possibly go on with life, that all my plans were ruined and life was over......it wasn't. Things did change, I changed but I did eventually take my life back and my voice is even louder and stronger now. I still deal with it now, not daily as I did before. The panic attacks got better, the constant fear too but I am always aware of my surroundings and very fearful to give up control to anyone. Yes, I am still a work in progress but I am moving forward, one step at a time. Starting therapy and being here is a great start for your journey to heal. :tup:

 

[Chava]

I'm not going to answer all because I don't think I've completed any process. So sorry I don't have awesome answers, but a few thoughts...

1. Healing process: It depends on the therapy, context, where you are at in terms of staying grounded, etc (for me, it's just a long process because every trauma relates somehow to every other trauma...needed a long time just feeling okay in therapy, grounded etc). Ask your therapist about the process for you if you are not sure.

2. Disclosure: Again, I'd ask your therapist about the process. Did you expect some sort of response in e-mail? I know I'm so super careful at bringing anything up...sometimes I feel like I've said something or asked for something, but I'm so vague it doesn't come across all the time...I talk all around the edges of things. Can you ask your therapist if this is something you should talk about directly or if it would be helpful for you to write out? My therapist doesn't think details are important (somatic therapy) but more how we release the stuck energy from the trauma. The basic story helps her understand what I'm going through. But I've never told every detail I remember. For the assault I remember, she knows the basics.

3. First experiences, effect: My first experiences with sex were abusive, violating, not my choice. For me, that has mattered. It has been really hard to create a position association to sex. I just gave up. Not saying that's the answer. But I'm still working on this....really need to go way backwards and feel like close relationships are worth the effort. But this might not be everyone's experience.

4. Sexuality. I wish I could answer this...but I have nothing. I feel nothing.

5. Did therapist admit to ever being assaulted: No. Why do you know about your therapist's assault but haven't felt like you can talk about your own? Did she tell you in a way that was supposed to help you feel comfortable about telling about your experience? If anything just ask her what she imagines YOUR healing process might be like. Maybe she is helping you with different skills? Do you feel afraid to talk about it directly? Can you e-mail her and ask her to bring it up at your next session? I've done this, knowing I'd chicken out...helped to have my therapist bring up an e-mail so we could talk about it.

6. Rape/crime: All sexual abuse and assault is criminal, right? I am less horrified by rape than other aspects of my assault, so what matters is how we weren't individually affected. I can't explain that without details I don't want to share but hope that makes sense.

7. When does it get better? No comment...I've spent years avoiding this. So it's awesome you're trying to work through it now...very good chance it will get better but we all have our own process and timeline. These sound like great questions to bring to your therapist.

8. Have I lost my voice? Yes. I've responded by over-doing my boundaries. Super-thick wall around myself to protect my shaky self and voice. Bringing it up helps us have voice and take away the power of shame. I'm slowly trying to work out connecting with others more and maintaining the safe sense of self. It's challenging for me.

Good questions. Thank you for posting.

 

[Matilda]

I don’t know if I can answer everything, but I’ll try:

3) It sets the tone for me, that’s for sure. I feel like I’m nothing more than just an object during sex rather than an actual human being. Arousal and violence have become synonymous.

4) The assault actually produced a lot of anger in me towards women “vulnerability”. I’m probably making stupid decisions, but I tend to go to stores at night, walk through cities and parks by myself, and several other things deemed unsafe because of the possibility of being raped. I want to prove that people are wrong and even if they’re right than I don’t want it to impede my freedom. I was assaulted in my own house in my pjs and no one ever warned me about that.

5) My T admitted to being sexually assaulted and also dealing with the campus rape of her daughter. She said it to make me feel more comfortable as I built walls up towards everyone who wanted to help as I thought they wouldn’t be able to understand. I asked her about her process and it crossed no boundaries/

6) Yes…at times. I struggle because I feel like I’m just drifting in my situation like I can’t find any actually support because I wasn’t raped, “only” assaulted.

7) I have my good and bad days. It’s a struggle, but I try. Since my brain can descend so quickly into brain fog with all of the stress than I’ll make good decisions (signing up for community college, changing to a better job, going to the doctor) the moment it comes to mind or else it will never get done.

8) I lost it, but at the same time I won a different voice that I never had before. I feel stronger even though I’m fragmented. I’m building my life the way I want it now. “My skin has turned to porcelain, to ivory, to steel.”