Relationship Privacy Vs Secrecy

[Wastinglight]

Rebuilding trust sucks from the other end of it. Esp. for people with trust issues

That hollow bellied, uncomfortable, disconcerted feeling of not being trusted? Of having done something wrong? Can be crushing

Right you are @FridayJones, and I suspect he is probably feeling a bit like this too. I have tried to explain the phenomenon of "I do trust you.... except when I'm having an anxiety attack", I don't think he gets it. When I am thinking rationally, I really do trust him. He has proven himself trustworthy in almost everything he does. The dating profile thing still bugs me though.

And unfortunately, I hold other people to my own standards with such things. He said to me the other night "I bet you've probably still got old dating profiles up somewhere and other embarrassing stuff on the web." Nope, pretty sure I don't, cos I am VERY careful about keeping track of that sort of thing. I'm a bit OCD about that kind of thing. But do I hide some things from him? Hell yes. I think everyone does.

But I do have to try and work on this entrenched fear that if someone's not 100% open about everything, then they must be hiding something terrifyingly awful from me. Not even I believe that, not really, but somehow, when I'm anxious, I act like I do.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Snooped vs. searched is merely semantics. You can manipulate the language to make it fit your view. I had a mother in law that "searched" my children's rooms when she was home alone. I put exterior locks on their doors.

 

[KwanYingirl]

In other words, I honored their right to privacy.

 

[The Albatross]

I'd be calling a google search "due diligence" and not be apologizing.

 

[The Albatross]

I'm with Anthony.

 

[Wastinglight]

Snooped vs. searched is merely semantics.

To clarify, I challenged the " snooped into his computer" bit. But you are of course correct with what you say. He does have a right to privacy, and I made it clear that I believed that to be true in my discussions with him. I also admitted to him that, in a way, he is paying the price for the bad behaviour of others (from the past) and that I'm working hard on trying to address this within myself. You'd think I could just 'get over it', but apparently it's not that simple.

Even worse, I had my first EMDR session scheduled for yesterday, and I was looking forward to starting to address this stuff in therapy. The practitioner cancelled my appointment due to illness. I'd waited 6 weeks for that damn appointment, and he is the only person who does EMDR in my city. I'll be pretty ticked off if I have to wait another 6 weeks to start therapy.

 

[The Albatross]

If he's carrying baggage (the bad behavior of others) into your/his relationship you got bigger issues to deal with than privacy.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I can definitely relate to that. I've been working towards EMDR but I keep reverting back to being too dissociative to have it. I will be anxious to hear how it goes for you. Do you only get therapy every six weeks? That would be hard for me to manage.

 

[Wastinglight]

If he's carrying baggage (the bad behavior of others) into your/his relationship

Um, that's me with the baggage. He undoubtedly has baggage of his own, in addition to his PTSD, and that was a huge issue for us in the early days of our relationship (I actually thought the relationship was over at one point because he'd become so withdrawn), but he hasn't let it impact on 'us' in any major way, since we got serious.

 

[Wastinglight]

Do you only get therapy every six weeks?

Thanks @KwanYingirl. I haven't started yet. I have waited 6 weeks for the initial appointment. I would have liked to have continued my CBT therapy in the meantime, but as I am only eligible for a limited number of subsided sessions (which I am saving for the EMDR treatment), I cannot afford to pay the unsubsidised cost of therapy sessions. It's very frustrating. I will let you know how I go when I eventually start!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Maybe one day you'll own your own BS.

Until then, have fun living in a world of denial.

Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

Your choice.

 

[Sighs]

@Solara - I respect your ability to call things as you see them but in this particular case I think @Wastinglight has been very clear from the beginning that this is HER issue not his. She is trying very hard to own her own BS and trying not to let it impact her current relationship. Maybe we could cut supporters as much slack as we cut sufferers? Just because you DON'T have PTSD doesn't mean you don't have relationship issues, past hurts, personality traits etc etc.