Relationship The Benefits Of Having Ptsd Or Being A Spouse

[Glara]

Yes I agree with @Kefira that some of the responses are unfair. @Lemontree is looking at the positive side of ptsd, like an optimist. I respect that. And I'm not religious at all.

In my case, I know I have issues and that may very well be what attracted me to my sufferer. But I know it's not the same for everyone. When somebody aquires ptsd from some trauma it changed them. If that happens during a marriage of relationship it's a conscious choice for the partner to stay..."in sickness and in health". So, I don't believe they are drawn to that. In my case his ptsd was from childhood trauma and he's had issues throughout his adulthood, so that is something I may be drawn to. But even so, why should that matter?

The point is, we as supporters can choose to look at things positively or negatively. Of course there will be much negative, but you can also to try to find what good can come from it. How it forces you to appreciate the positive times. Or in some case "count your blessings". I'm not religious but I still practice this behavior in most aspects of my life. Don't get me wrong, I get depressed, sad and angry. I like to have some time to wallow in self pity. But eventually I try look at everything that I have that's good and appreciate how much better I have it than someone else may.

A ptsd sufferer may not be able to do this, but a partner can. A partner can say "this sucks that this happened to us but what has come out if that's good?" Or at the very least it can be a way of appreciating the smaller things in life that are joyful.

 

[shimmerz]

I definitely see what Lemontree is saying and although I am NOT happy about my PTSD or how I got here, I am a more compassionate person for it, I see things differently than most folk. Living in this society, I don't necessarily think that is a bad thing. I have no interest in sliding down the bitter pit.

 

[holdenmonty]

I think I know what @Lemontree was getting at. Having PTSD does suck because of all the bad stuff that comes with it. But I have noticed a few of the positives that she was talking about. I have a greater appreciation for the small things like when my two boys are playing together or we are wrestling and having fun on the floor. I really enjoy it more than I would if I didn't have PTSD. Also when I have the moments when I'm able to calm my brain and just admire the beauty of nature or the beauty of my wife. I appreciate them more than the average person. For instance driving into work yesterday there was an amazing sunrise and when I got into work I asked my co workers if they saw the beautiful sunrise and they said not really and it's like they completely missed it because it's normal for them to notice things like that but for me when I do notice things like that it's more amazing.

I think part of it though is how far you are in your recovery if you are at the point where you are having more bad days then good like I was about a year ago I wouldn't say there is anything positive about having ptsd but now that I have more good days then bad days I'm able to see the silver lining so to speak.

 

[Kefira]

I have no interest in sliding down the bitter pit.

Glad I'm not the only one.

Don't get me wrong, on the days where I'm almost non functioning it's impossible to find anything good about ANYTHING, let alone the disorder. But I don't know where I would be right now if things had gone differently. I do know that many of the things that on the good days I value in my life or in myself would not have happened. And if I'm stuck with it I might as well learn how it works. That means understanding the things that are damaging but also finding out how to use it in whatever ways I can.

 

[scout86]

For some reason, today is one of those days when I KNOW there's an answer floating around in my brain, if I could just get it to stay in one place long enough for me to figure out what it is.

I think "Life" offers us lessons. Good days, bad days, good stuff, bad stuff, there are potential lessons there, if we chose to find them. And then they might be good for something, if we chose to apply them. "PTSD" is one of many bad things that comes with potential lessons.

Years ago, a friend told me that he thought I'd felt "abandoned" as a child and that I'd "taken some kind of vow that no one else would ever feel that way as long as I'm around". Was he right? Well, kind of. Would I have been that way without the childhood events that led to the PTSD? I don't know. There IS something about a crisis that tends to focus your attention.

Here's what I think is sad. There are an awful lot of people who never examine "life" and what it might be about, possibly because nothing bad has ever happened and they've been able to drift along without thinking and questioning anything every deeply. But, people deal with PTSD differently too. Some people work their way through it and learn a lot about themselves and others in the process. Some people, well, don't. I wouldn't necessarily go looking for a potential partner with "Has PTSD" as a criteria...... But It sure wouldn't be a deal breaker either. I still think of PTSD as "a filter through which I view the world." It's not HOW I view the world, it's not who I AM. It affects how I see things and how I react to things, but people who have this condition are just as unique and different as people who don't.

I general. I'm in favor of "making lemonade" when confronted with lemons. But if I had a magic wand and could remove PTSD from the world, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I always hate it when these threads pop up. I think it's more offensive when someone on the outside starts one though. (Outside ie not a sufferer.) JMHO.

I wouldn't dare go on a cancer forum and start talking about the benefits of cancer. (I don't have cancer.) They'd crucify me. It's a matter of being respectful and I think that is what the post is lacking----common sense and respect.

 

[Owl.]

Alrightee, knowing full well that I'm the "unfair" one here (I am. Or was. I DO apologize for that), here's the thing.

I'm simply not at all sure a bigger appreciation for life, the little things, good times, puppies playing in puddles or what have you is something that comes with having to deal with the aftereffects of trauma.
Judging by myself and the people I've known for a long time, learning these things is simply part of growing up for any compassionate human being with a heart, a brain, a soul and at least a vague idea that there is more to life than how you look or what you have.
I know I appreciated the beauty of life no less than I do now (and I do. I am so very far from the "bitter pit" it's not even on the radar, not like I can go back to change this crap, no matter how much I might want to most days) before fecal matter hit the fan. Same goes for the man in my life and several buddies.
Views DO get clouded. When the whole world is made up of triggered/flashy static, nothing and no one will get through that, but clouds have a tendency to blow past. Still, at least in my experience, none of the good was "brought on" by the PTSD but simply by the passing of the years.

I did read the original thread and I disagree completely with the whole idea that something must be "wrong" with people choosing partners with PTSD.
Not like it's stamped on their foreheads when you meet, so the first impression most likely won't be that of a traumatized person that might just make a relationship hella difficult. When you have those first tentative thoughts that you might want to be with a person, PTSD or any other issues don't usually play a role in that decision. It's when things get real that you have to make a decision, and then it's all up to what you yourself think you can take.
Does it take a masochistic streak sometimes? Sure. But so does deciding to eat hot food or choosing to have your ears pierced.
A person choosing to stick it out isn't stronger, weaker, healthier or sicker than one who'd opt to leave, they're just plain different, and the world would be a sad and boring place if those differences didn't exist.

I don't understand why some people choose to go shopping in 6-inch heels either. Doesn't mean they're sick in the head, just means I don't get it.
If they want to risk breaking their ankles, that's their problem, not mine. Just like someone choosing to run the risk of PTSD ripping their heart out because their partner gets out of control during a particularly nasty episode can't be called sick for it, either. If we were to go down THAT road, pretty much anybody would be a psychiatric nightmare in some context or another, and c'mon, that'd be ridiculous.
How can you step out the door while your friend is wearing that purple shirt with those orange pants, are you twisted in the head or what?

Again, I do apologize for the earlier replies.
I do stand by the content but certainly could've worded it differently.

 

[holdenmonty]

I don't think it was offensive at all this is a forum for sufferers and supporters. If a supporter posted in a cancer thread about the benefits of cancer like being more appreciative of the small things in life and/or having hair I wouldn't see why that would be offensive. @Lemontree was just trying to be optomistic and finding the silver lining. I know Lemontree doesn't have our perspective because she is a supporter and not a sufferer but she has more of an insight into ptsd than your average person so I feel as though she was coming from a place of caring and trying to provide some positive insight for us that might not always see the silver lining when we are being rained on.

 

[shimmerz]

I disagree completely with the whole idea that something must be "wrong" with people choosing partners with PTSD.

I absolutely agree with this. I am always really put off when I hear this type of speak. Thanks Owl.

I don't think it was offensive at all this is a forum for sufferers and supporters.

I agree. I would much rather be with an optimistic supporter than one who was all angry. I mean really, do we need to drag Lemontree into an angry place because how dare she see the good in loving her sufferer, PTSD symptoms and all? What is the point of that? Don't we as sufferers want our fellow peeps to be cared for rather than raged at?

Anyways, in a weird mood today. Onwards. LemonTree I thank you for being who you are. Personally, I like the post and definitely prefer it to the link of the post you placed in that spoke about the horrors of being with we sufferers.

 

[Friday]

I'm going to derail this thread just a smidge. <grin> But it gets long, so hopefully not too badly, as most people will skip over it ;)

I have nuked I don't even know how many good/great relationships with really stellar men because ***I*** can't stand my PTSD-stuff.

And, very standard me, after my divorce 3 years ago I pretty much did a complete overhaul of my entire dating career to find out where in the hell I was f*cking up.

The part of that process that applies here?

I've dated a helluva lot of guys who dug my PTSD.

1) The Bad

The shitty side of that coin are the abusive pricks who take advantage of every weak spot. Whole lotta threads on that. As well as the chinks in ones armor that might as well be glowing neon signs saying "Hey! Asshole! Over here!" As well as people attempting to take off that self same armor just to even try and let someone in. I've only dated 2 abusive pricks who went there.

2) The Good

Most of the guys I've dated and who dug my PTSD were on the other side of the coin
- They like a challenge. Well, that's one thing I've got in spades. I'm challenging as f*ck.
- They like that I'm tough as nails most of the time. They don't want to be with someone who they're constantly having to XYZ.
- They like that I go all fragile and whatever, and get to be my strong arms to fall into. Get to be the hero, knight in shining armor, badass awesome strength personified. LOL. But only in short spates.
- They like that they're pretty much the only person I ever do that with.
- They like how intense I am & how mellow I am & how mutable/changeable I am.
- They like that I don't lie (which, for me, is a trauma byproduct)
- They like that they have to earn my trust
- etc.
- etc.
- serious et cetera

2.5) All of that? Is totally fair. Even before I knew it was PTSD, just thought it was me, there are a ton of other aspects to/about me that are also going to fall somewhere on their Love/Like/Not bothered/Tolerate/Dislike/CannotAbide scale, ya know? That's what dating (ideally) is all about; lining up those scales. From libido to lifestyle ... There are dozens if not hundreds of facets of ourselves & our partner. Lining up our priorities and our partners priorities? Pretty durn important. Because if someone hates something about me that I care deeply for (or is not something that's going to change: be it my PTSD, height, etc.)? That spells grief & disaster. ((If they hate something I don't give a rip about & is easily changed? Like my hair or tendency to cook broccoli or something... That's an easy fix. Changed. Done.))

Just because ***I*** hate being all symptomatic doesn't follow that having a partner who also hates it is a good thing. The opposite, usually. Just like having a partner who only likes me when I'm showing zero in the way of symptoms will probably not end well. Cause this stuff kicks back into gear over and over again. Any time the stress cup gets a shot of Co2 and shaken instead of stirred ;)

3) The ugly.

The fixers. Ugh. I'm not talking about the badass awesome person who fixes so much just by being them (beyond distraction of new love, The kickass "supporters" who make our lives so much better by them being a part of it). Not supporters. But fixers. Those who dislike &/or hate our PTSD stuff and are either determined to "fix" us or are constantly pissed off at us for not fixing ourselves, like we don't care or something. Head. Meet brick wall. One of those extreme left & extreme right almost meet (abusers & fixers both suck) kinds of things.

1+2+3= Just like most military spouses dig the independence of being on their own 6 months a year, and most political spouses dig being in the public eye... The people who are attracted to us? And STAY with us through the hard parts as well as the good? Usually dig things about us, as well. Even our life long pain in the ass disorders that also make them want to pull out their hair from time to time. My posit is that it's actually a good thing they like our PTSD-side. Cause it's here to stay.

 

[desiderata310]

Ok... I skipped the negative posts.. Sorry. I'm in a shitty place today and looking for something to feel a little better about.

I have trouble with this one as well but I have a PTSD friend who thinks his has advantages as well. He's grateful for it and does't want to lose it. He feels it makes him sharper and faster.

I wish daily that this didn't cloud my thinking and judgement. Daily.

It's legally a disability. So I'm trying to view it as a 'brain injury' of sorts because in some ways it is. So with that viewpoint, I try to look at it in the same light as one would losing one of their senses.

It sucks a lot.A LOT. But perhaps there's a part that gives us an advantage?

The ONE thing I am both frustrated by but somewhat grateful for is my hyper vigilence. I notice things that others do not notice because I can't NOT. I wish I could shut my brain off but being more aware of my surroundings can be a really good thing. I will NEVER be surprised in my home by an intruder because I notice little things and make note of how I leave my house as I am exiting. I've caught more potential accidents at work because of this.

I can SMELL a narcissist three miles away. I can FEEL them when they walk in the room. I was never like that before. I can FEEL when someone is insincere or could be a threat and I act accordingly.

Of course, the hyper vigilance makes it more difficult to do certain things like cycling in traffic. I LOOK unsafe because I have to wear headphones or I become overwhelmed with the noise and sensory input.
Maybe that's what your asking about?

 

[Tinyflame]

Well, actually I think it's very kind of you to post this @Lemontree . It's very hard as someone with it to see something 'salvageable' about myself or not burdensome. And it's easy to focus on where I fail/ have failed.

I don't like ptsd at all. or having it, but because of the kindness of others they say I have a good heart (as a human being). I wouldn't come up with that myself but others shine a light on that or seem to believe it. But I do think traumas & ptsd have enabled me to be compassionate, to really care about others as much or as more as myself, to be introspective, to believe in more than just 'here', & to even afford people the understanding born of experiencing things a little earlier than them sometimes, to empathize, & yes @Lemontree to prioritize things extremely differently. To be able to be thankful in the moment, to learn to not judge, to develop patience, to relate & appreciate & be grateful for help, to learn to seek peace & give solace. To love big. To say what others won't, or do things with less fear of rejection or condemnation or appearances. People say to me 'how did I get so wise?' but I am not at all, just exposed to some stuff & aware they aren't ready to express the fears or thoughts that everyone has, or to ask.

Just as a mini-note, my family is full of cancer -dozens- (young/ genetic), & it is very good & a very common theme (for them & others with it) to actually identify what follows from it as a blessing. As one of my sister's who was terminal (technically) from her 30's said, she has kissed more, loved more, held more babies, smelled more flowers, & petted more dogs, etc- really lived, in a year than most people ever would in a lifetime. Cancer & ptsd make one able to appreciate what counts & the moments better than logically one would expect.

I think we all have something. But we can help different people & each other & different people help us.

(And I think we get a really wicked sense of humour, jmho. :) )