Relationship The Benefits Of Having Ptsd Or Being A Spouse

[Neverthesame]

@Eleanor Indeed. Very true. I just have to learn how to believe the logical part of my mind. That has been the difficult part. I don't understand why I cannot accept it. Everything you had said makes sense, truly it does.

If the exact same thing were to happen to someone else, then I was asked to say whether or not they hold any blame? My answer would be no. I wouldn't be lying either. But I can't myself that and mean it, strange isn't it.

@Go Hungry I could have sworn I read a post from you last night, in which you we're concerned of coming across a bit "dickish?" Then a very poignant observation regarding the level of pride you feel I place into my own survival. Well sir, This is far as I can make it into a sentence trying to sound annoyed. That was not dickish at all, you brought up some very good points. I can't seem to find it now though.

@Lemontree I did not mean to hijack your thread I am very sorry.

 

[Go Hungry]

Umm yeah. Felt it was kinda shitty to respond in such a forward manner. Also it just derails the thread more. I'll fix it and put it elsewhere. :wacky:

 

[Eleanor]

If the exact same thing were to happen to someone else, then I was asked to say whether or not they hold any blame? My answer would be no. I wouldn't be lying either. But I can't myself that and mean it, strange isn't it.

I know this feeling exactly. It IS strange. My professional training is all about going with the argument and the dictates of reason... and sometimes... Sigh. But I think if we keep going over and over the contradiction it gradually sinks in and... one day there is a tipping point. Here is a story to illustrate what I have in mind:

I have a colleague who started teaching college in the 1970's when professors used to smoke while they lectured (using the chalk trays as ash trays, ugh.) Anyhow, this guy taught an applied ethics class and did a unit on smoking - and every year for like fifteen years he delivered a lecture (with pictures) of the damage that smoking does to one's lungs and health. In like 1992, when he had been giving this talk for years he report it "clicked." He looked at the half smoked cigarette in his hand, and realized what he'd been saying all that time and put the cigarette out and.... never smoked another one.

Professors are slow learners I guess. Most people don't require this much repetition and effort.:bookworm::geek::rolleyes:

 

[Deleted member 28812]

@Lemontree I did not mean to hijack your thread I am very sorry.

No. That's okay. You did not hijack the thread. That's fine. I just did not know what to answer :( and still don't know

 

[Sighs]

Sigh!

I do worry that maybe I'm not the right person to be a supporter. I wonder how much my own issues come into play. My father has combat PTSD and self medicated with alcohol. Nothing I ever did was good enough for him. You don't have to be Freud to figure out that HAS to be a part of what I'm doing in a relationship with a combat PTSD sufferer. (Who does not drink - I can't emphasize enough how important that is to me.)

On a good day I feel ideally "qualified" to be a supporter because I've lived with combat PTSD my whole life. All of my uncles are also combat vets. I've seen the beast about as close up as you can without suffering from it yourself. On a bad day I realise that his behaviour is hurting me out of all proportion because its compounding my childhood issues.

Sigh!

 

[Deleted member 28812]

@Sighs: Could you tell us a bit more about your childhood? Not being exactly Freud myself I think it is not unusual to fall in love with a man who is like our father - the good, the bad and the ugly. My guy is very similar to my father when it comes to some things and very different when it comes to others. It is not unusual for people to have certain roles, both in your family of origin, in your partnership and maybe also among your friends.
I posted about this. People think I am "the strong one" or the supporter. It's a role I always end up with - is just is like that.
Now what you can do is closely look at this role and see both the benefits and the disadvantages - and if the good outweights the bad - just put a smile on your face, put your best foot forward and think "It is what it is". But if the bad outweights the good it is a whole different story and then I would try to talk about your feelings with your Vet.

I learned a talking technique I like very much. It is "using I statements". So instead of saying "You called me weirdo again. You are rude and just like my father, who used to call people names" you would say "When you call me weirdo it makes me feel very sad because my father called me the same name and it made me feel unloved".

I may be very wrong but I think that name calling is quite common in the military, same for barking orders at people and he may just not realize he is being rude.

 

[Sighs]

My father's rage could be triggered by anything and nothing. He could go from a gentle, if distant, father to a seething ball of anger in less than a second. He would yell, throw things and beat my mother. She left numerous times but always went back. She says it was because she knew that he was, at his core, a fundamentally decent man. She knew him before his military service and both she and his mother agreed that he was never the same afterwards.

I think I tolerate rage from my partner because it feels normal to me. (Oh - there is a large powerfully built adult man screaming, swearing and breaking things - yup this must be home!) I think part of me wants to do a better job of tiptoeing around that my mother did. Maybe part of me wants to do a better job of standing up for myself than my mother did. Maybe on some level I think if I take care of this man, that will make up for the fact that as a little girl I couldn't care for my father. And when he does open up to me and emotionally connect with me, that is probably fulfilling the need for love and affection that I didn't get as a child.

I'm guessing a therapist would think this is the perfect re-enactment of childhood issues. Does that mean its unhealthy and awful and I should leave? Or does that mean its dysfunctional but it works for both of us. Juries out on that I think...

 

[Deleted member 28812]

:( How often does this happen?

 

[Sighs]

The rage episodes? In a good week - maybe only once. In a bad week - could be as many as 6 days of the 7.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

That sounds like a lot of times :(
I am not sure if I could live with that. My guy is the most peaceloving and patient person, he just avoids all arguments.
If you think "Why does she compare him to that spiderman guy then?" let me explain that he loves to give conflicting orders but he does not love to argue.

 

[Eleanor]

I'm guessing a therapist would think this is the perfect re-enactment of childhood issues. Does that mean its unhealthy and awful and I should leave? Or does that mean its dysfunctional but it works for both of us.

IMHO, if you are both trying to get better and help you set appropriate boundaries for the behavior you will accept and help him work through his trauma so he doesn't have these anger episodes then it *might* be worth working through. But if you are not both working diligently to get better and have a healthy and loving relationship... it just sounds like ordinary garden variety abuse to me. I don't think anyone should sign up for that. But that's your call, not mine.

I'd find a strong male couple's counselor if I were you. But then again, that's what we did. And it is much better now. MUCH. And he is SO much happier. It really is no fun at all and terribly painful and exhausting to have episodes like that. I couldn't watch someone I love suffer like that and stand by... That's me.

 

[Mina]

A bit late to the party, having seen this thread highlighted in the recent newsletter, but I'd like to answer the OP's question. As others have said, if I could wave a magic wand and make PTSD go away, I certainly would. But however hellish the journey, I have worked hard and really have learned a LOT on it. (And I've also met some amazing people.)

I'm a PTSD survivor. I've had every symptom in the DSM and then some, been almost completely non-functional, sat with the barrel of a loaded gun in my mouth on a number of occasions, almost lost my marriage, etc...so please don't think it wasn't hell. But I no longer consider myself a sufferer, as there really can be an "other side" for some of us. That's not to say I don't still occasionally get triggered, have a meltdown, or make concessions to keep my stress levels under control - I do. Rather, it's no longer the darkness and dominating force that it once was.

I've both discovered and chosen who I really am, and left behind the person who was so skewed out of shape by her experiences that she was completely disconnected from her true self. I have traits and tools I didn't have before: self-esteem, boundaries, greater empathy, an appreciation for the "little" things in life. When I had an unknown breast tumor last year, I thought, "Hey, I can get through anything." Sometimes I can sit back and say, "Does this really matter in the big picture?" and let things go - it's just a broken glass, a stain on the carpet, a dent in my car - not the end of the world.

My husband and I have almost split on many occasions, but stuck it out somehow. He married me pre-PTSD, had front-row seats to my hell and even contributed to it, but admires my strength and tenacity in getting through the ugliness. And he likes that I'm really ME now.

I've learned to take care of myself, to notice my own needs and meet them or seek to get them met, to stop cutting myself (literally) and instead dig beneath that iceberg of emotions and figure out what I'm really feeling and how to deal with it. To let others help me when I need it. To care for animals, to see the actions of others for what they really are, to cut toxicity and toxic people out of my life, to eat well, to exercise, to forgive myself for mistakes. I stopped trying to force myself into the box that society and convention and toxic family would have me in, then learned to ask, "What do ***I*** want?" and so finally found work I enjoy and am good at but that's a better fit for me.

Would I want to walk through the horror of everything again? No. But has the journey made me a better person? Yes.