Relationship The Benefits Of Having Ptsd Or Being A Spouse

[Deleted member 1860]

I stand by what I've said in that I've read many of the OPs posts and this isn't the first time she is a bit off the mark. (I said it before, too.)

I'm glad you all love your ptsd but most of what's been said has nothing to do with ptsd itself.

 

[Tinyflame]

I used to feel more 'misfitty' or 'alien' about it, but when people say I am very different, they are correct. Yes the good the bad & the ugly of course, all included, but I think it is so. But that doesn't mean it's all bad. The ptsd isn't the blessing directly, but what we can learn in managing it, & the gifts from other's are (to me).

No one asks for suffering, but everyone gets some form of it in their lifetime.

 

[holdenmonty]

It's not that we love our ptsd... if anything its the oposite. It is just that we are far enough in our recovery to see some optomism in the darkness of ptsd.

Also I have come to accept that I have ptsd before I have accepted it I hated it and hated myself for it but now that I have come to accept it. I am having a very hard time being polite at the moment due to you saying that we love our ptsd but I'm telling myself that everybody is in different stages of their recovery, and I will just leave it at that.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

I will write more later but I just wanted to tag @Eleanor because she started the thread I mentioned in my OP and feel a bit like talking about this behind her back.

 

[desiderata310]

@Solara More than anything I am shaken and hate everything about PTSD today.
EVERYTHING.

I am at the center of utter terror at the moment.

I'm trying really hard to hold on to anything that might make it a little ok... I get where you're coming from. I really do.
I hate PTSD. I HATE THIS. I HATE IT SO GODDAMN BAD.

sorry... maybe I shouldn't be posting at all today...

 

[Eleanor]

Thanks for the heads up, @Lemontree!

And @Solara I am SURE you didn't mean to include me in that "you all.";) I'm pretty sure I've never said anything nice about PTSD. And I'm speculating here, not advocating a position (tho it might sound like it since I am not so good at writing sentences in the hypothetical mode.)

I think in hindsight that my old thread was probably more applicable to Structural Dissociation than PTSD. Although the general theory (which is a pet theory of mine, I didn't make it up, but I subscribe to it) that people are romantically attracted to those with "equal and opposite" neuroses would predict that if people fall in love after one of them has PTSD the non-PTSD person has some equal and opposite problem that needs to be healed. But PTSD takes people differently in some ways, so maybe it would be more accurate to say that we choose people with opposite coping strategies, or habitual response patterns?

Here is an example: My H externalized his anger in a big way, and pretty much turned any negative emotion into angry emotional expression. I, by contrast, never got angry about anything. I would do polite moral indignation on rare occasions, but anger? personal anger? Never. As we have both gotten better he has gotten ALOT less angry acting, and is feeling a much wider range of negative emotions and expressing them as such. I have learned to notice when I am angry (and not just stuff it in a nano-second) and am working on expressing it appropriately. I think he is getting the better end of this deal from the first person experience point of view. What does this have to do with PTSD? (or SD) Nothing necessarily, now that I say it. People without PTSD or SD have these patterns too. But maybe we are attracted to people with unprocessed trauma? Or neglect? Maybe trauma attracts neglect? It would be good to know if it did.

So I wonder if there is a profile? Because I had this theory before we met, when it became clear that he was suffering from a serious mental illness (which I TOTALLY did not see for the first two years) I had a choice - I could give up my theory and leave, or stick to my theory and stay and work on figuring out what was wrong with ME and support I'm as he got better. I thought I was fine. Everyone I could think of thought I was fine. The evidence of the romantic relationships (married to an asperger's guy the first time around, and a history of boyfriends who weren't... well anyhow) said I was NOT fine. Of course, in my family we are always fine. Always. It took me ages (decades anyhow) to even be able to see how extremely strange my parents are.

I think I am much less crazy now than I have ever been. I could be wrong, but I am at least a lot more aware and do less inexplicable things than I used to.

Relationships, on this theory, are the perfect crucible for healing our emotional hurts and developing our characters. That's the theory. I find it useful and interesting. Others may not.

When I wrote the other thread I was looking for clues to help me solve the puzzle of what was wrong with ME, since I'd been trained to systematically not notice that anything even might be wrong.

 

[Kefira]

I'm glad you all love your ptsd but most of what's been said has nothing to do with ptsd itself.

I don't think anyone has said that they love their ptsd. In fact rather the opposite. I'd hand over my card to the club in a heart beat. But, since that's not an option I find it important to me to try to figure out where the lesson is in this. I have a chronic physical illness as well, and sometimes the only lesson there is to be thankful for the pain free days. I think that this is much the same. It is my personal philosophy that if I cannot change the situation it doesn't benefit me to look at it in black and white. More so when I'm likely stuck with this disorder to some degree for life. That won't be everyone's philosophy. That is fine- I'm not in the business of forcing my opinions on others, but I do attempt to achieve clear communication and exchange of ideas without belittlement. I may not always hit the mark, particularly with as imperfect a medium as the written word.

You are entitled to your process just as I am entitled to mine, but it doesn't mean I love my ptsd. Only that I choose to look at it through a slightly different lens than you are, because I know that not to do so would take what's left of my sanity. To see it as more complicated than a looming cloud that will steal every dream I ever had for the future (how I felt for a long time) is the only way I see for me to be happy again. So this is how I cope, at least for now. Perhaps it's a pretty lie I've told myself because I'm not strong enough or intelligent enough for the truth, or perhaps I'm flat out wrong. Maybe my viewpoint will change next week or next month or next year due to new information or a new experience or changes to me and my outlook in general. But I don't think any of us have the answers, and we all have to muddle through as best we can.

Are we talking about things that are directly related ptsd? No, we aren't. Just as threads that claim that lashing out in an abusive manner verbally or physically is part of ptsd aren't on the mark. That is how some people process, but the actions they choose to take as a result of their symptoms are their own. Not all people are going to experience particular reactions to the same set of symptoms/disorder. That's very much based upon an individual's personality and world view. But there will be SOME commonalities with SOME people which do result to a certain degree from the input of the disorder. Correlation certainly is not causation. So no, this isn't about what ptsd "has made us" so much as looking at various ways of reacting to, coping with or viewing the struggle with ptsd. We make ourselves, and sometimes because of the particular challenges we face there are certain values that come up more often than others.

At least those are my thoughts on fairly little sleep. Hopefully they're coherent.

 

[Eleanor]

I loathe PTSD, and would also wave my magic wand and replace it with some other far kinder and less painful method of dealing with trauma if I could. And I would not attribute my H's virtues (which are many) to his PTSD. Quite the contrary, his virtues were often developed in spite of his trauma. And clearly people who are not such morally good people get PTSD as well.

Here is what is curious to me. I agree with Owl on this totally:

Not like it's stamped on their foreheads when you meet, so the first impression most likely won't be that of a traumatized person that might just make a relationship hella difficult. When you have those first tentative thoughts that you might want to be with a person, PTSD or any other issues don't usually play a role in that decision. It's when things get real that you have to make a decision, and then it's all up to what you yourself think you can take.

What is absolutely flabbergasting to me is the regularity with which people are attracted to people who have "equal and opposite neuroses" without knowing that person AT ALL. There is some evidence that what we find most charming about another "He is so strong and deliberate" "She is so free spirited and fun loving!" "She is so organized" "He is so spontaneous" or whatever ultimately (once the euphoria wears off) transmogrifies into "He is so controlling." and "She is so irresponsible" and "She is obsessive" and "He is totally unreliable." Then there are three options 1) both stay in their patterns and they stay together and are miserable 2) one gets better and the other stays stuck and one leaves (usually the one getting better, but not always) 3) they both get better and stay together and are happy. What I can't figure out AT ALL is any mechanism for how someone can tell this kind of stuff about another person. Really. I am a pretty sharp cookie and have a history of being a good judge of character - and I saw nothing Not One Thing, not even the corner of a red flag about my H before we got married, or even in the year or so after. Then, all hell broke loose. His crazy brought out my crazy in retrospect. And we've both gotten a lot better.

Would I have signed up for this road if I'd known? Oh Hell No. For the last several months we have been something like what I imagine as "normal." So it is a lot better now than the hellish past years. Ask me in another fifteen years if it was worth it.

Maybe part of the profile of people who choose PTSD partners is that they believe (genuinely) that there is nothing wrong with them. It was sure true of me. I was even more severely emotionally neglected than my H (with three physically abusive parents) was. Something I hadn't clue one about until things started to go sideways in my life as an adult. First in grad school dealing with writer's block (and my T told me my mom 'presented well' which blew me away.) and then as my daughter grew up and I found myself at a dead loss about how to parent her about, well, almost anything having to do with social and emotional development. Oh, and the curious inability (phobic aversion more like) to play with her. I likely wouldn't have believed anyone who told me there was something amiss twenty or twenty five years ago.

 

[WildMermaid]

From a genetic disease since birth, to other chronic illnesses as well, and PTSD to top it off I agree with @Kefira. There are days i spend in the back of the house completely removed from the world outside. Others when my knees are so swollen I can't bend them much less exercise or feel like part of society. Other times when my limbs are dislocated and I cannot even get around in my own wheelchair- that one frustrates me. These times make me appreciate what I do have all the more, and they make the good days brighter! In part because of my PTSD I've a steel inner core, I don't take bullsh*t, and I am grateful for each and every day I get to be on this planet, because I survived. My husband likes that I'm the person you want if there is a crisis (though I'll break down hard when everyone is safe again), he loves me for my resilience, and never back down attitude. Would he have chosen to be with me if we had 100% awareness of my PTSD... yes. He knew I had been brutalized and was pretty fragile emotionally, and yet we made each other laugh, look at life differently, and to this day respect the heck out of each other. I loathe my PTSD and how alien it makes me feel, but I can't change it anymore than I could my eye color. There are gifts from every curse in life we just have to change our perspective sometimes.

 

[Neverthesame]

(Caveat: I don't know where my head went while I was writing this. I went pretty far off topic and sad. You may want to skip this one)

I want to agree with the OP, but I can't. I do see what she was trying to say. And I am certainly not offended by it.

But from where I sit with my recovery. I do not see a silver lining in this condition. I do realize a good portion of where I am, is no one's fault but mine. But this does not make living with it easier.

I have hit a wall with therapy, I am not sure how I can proceed. For me it's the guilt of surviving. I wish I could take pride in it, but I can't. I believe that for me to make further progress I must accept that I have done all I could. That in some way I deserve to still be here. This is something I just cannot do. At least not yet.

I won't go into too much detail about my religious beliefs, though they are relevant, I am likely to offend quite a few people. I do not judge others about their beliefs, that can be a real challenge sometimes lol. I am a Catholic after all. But, whatever your beliefs are, or if you believe in nothing. That's your business, if it helps you in some way, great. I have been somewhat at odds with our heavenly Father for the last 11 or so years now. I don't see that relationship mending anytime soon. But that's me.

Oh dear, I am getting rather negative in this post aren't I? Probably because I am talking about me. Then again, I think most everything I have said on this forum starts with, I once... lol. Maybe it's because I am talking to me, in a way.

This leads me then to the question of what now? How do I go on from here? Truthfully I do not know. (sorry I derailed myself here)

Original point: I don't personally think there are benefits to this. I have it in my head that I am here because of a split second decision I made. I didn't get loaded on booze and drive a tractor trailer into an accident scene. I did run away from the car and left 5 people one of which was a baby girl. (Shit sorry. I don't know where my off button is today. I am going to post this as it is such a hard thing to talk about for me. But I should stop here. Sorry for the long rambling what-ever-you-call-this.)

 

[Eleanor]

For me it's the guilt of surviving. I wish I could take pride in it, but I can't. I believe that for me to make further progress I must accept that I have done all I could. That in some way I deserve to still be here. This is something I just cannot do. At least not yet.

What if everyone in the accident deserved to be here. What if survival is not a zero sum game? If you'd been the one to die, would that baby not have deserved to survive? I think she would. And I think you do. Guilt is a strange emotion. It is socially constructed. No one feels guilty without haven learned some social rules. Guilt connected us to other people and it directs us how to live - which makes itt really really important to be clear on how responsibility works. Here is a helpful place to start (for a lot of people anyhow) You can only be responsible for things you have actual control over. No Control, no responsibility. If you didn't make a situation, you weren't responsible for it happening. If you didn't intend for something to happen, sen though through epic bad luck something horrible happened as a result of yor action or inaction - you have a responsibility to learn from it, but you were not responsible for the horrible outcome.

Here is an example to illustrate what I mean. Suppose I am cooking my friend dinner - that's what I have in mind, cooking her dinner. I am making fried chicken. How nice of me! but then, the grease catches fire. I try to put it out by pouring the water I was heating up to boil the potatoes on the frypan to put out the fire. But water doesn't put out grease fires, it spreads them So the house catches fire and burns down. So now I've burned my friends house down. No doubt about it I caused that fire. I feel as horrible as I can. I have nightmares. I beg for forgiveness. She gives it and I feel... worse. We can all, I think understand this without agreeing that I should feel and continue to feel guilty. I didn't mean to burn the house down. I did the very best I knew how to do. I ran out of the house when it was burning... I guess I could have tried to stay and fight the fire, but I am afraid of fire and I ran. I feel guilty about that. But... we don't blame people for being scared of big fires. We don't blame people for making honest mistakes. We don't blame people when really bad things happen that they in no way wanted to happen. Or at least we shouldn't because blaming them doesn't make any sense. So when we are the blamer and the blamie.. we shouldn't either.

I find when I get really really really clear that I am holding myself to a standard I would be ANGRY at anyone else for holding another person to, I can let up on myself a bit.

I would also just say that a lot of very fine people have been extremely angry at God throughout history. You are in good company. God has a lot to answer for.

 

[WildMermaid]

@Eleanor you have some very good insights. Thank you for sharing your perspective. *smiles*