Do You Self Sabotage Relationships?

[Cool Cat]

I'm terrible for it...

There's plenty of reasons why I do it, but it doesn't help me, and relationships are what I need to really recover.

What about you? Has anyone been able to break the cycle?

 

[PlainJane]

Yes, I am the queen of relationship sabotage!!! I have tried a few things to stop it. Nothing successful yet :( I can't wait to hear others comments. Maybe we both can glean some insight. Sorry I don't have anything to offer.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Do you mean friendships or partner type relationships or all of the above?

I know I do. But, I'm working on it.

I hate to put it in these terms because it makes it seem like I'm using people as a part of my own personal experiment, but the only way to learn how to navigate through it all is to get out there and start connecting with people, and learning as you go. If you make a mistake, learn from it and avoid doing the same thing again in the future.

But then there's the flip side of this, too. The fact that not everyone is going to be the right kind of person for us. That is, not only do we have to be good at managing our side of the relationship, but we also need to know when it really IS on the other person. This part was a shock to me as I was so accustomed to taking the full blame for anything and everything that had gone wrong between myself and another person.

But now I have a list of things that are unacceptable to me, and I do not hesitate to walk away from these types of people. It took awhile before I could realize that doing so was NOT self sabotage. It was standing up for my own wants/needs and doing what was right for ME! But, I still get people who tell me my standards are too high because I don't put up with addicts of any kind, liars, fakes, etc, etc, etc..... I rather have standards than continue to be a doormat. Its a fine balance between knowing self sabotage vs ending things for the right reasons.

 

[Teasel]

Yep, also in various ways.

The only in which I've learned not to so much is when it comes to unintentional sabotaging - the combo of hypervidulence & inner / outer critic / not trusting / thinking I'm awful so ppl are bound to treat me bad blah blah blah

From CBT, after doing those exercises over & over, strangely I noticed a theme - that what I was thinking was almost always a load of tosh that made me and lots of other ppl v unhappy

So even though I have just as many dumb thoughts I've become a lot better at keepin them to myself

 

[Chava]

Yes. I tend to sort of vaporize....slowly disappear. Nobody seems to get hurt. But more likely, I just don't get close to anyone.

What helps me at least keep some casual friendships is keeping in touch with a couple colleagues, accepting some invites to smaller gatherings (not the bigger or chaotic ones), and also having a support group (for me it's a 12-step group since I was a raging insane alcoholic). The support group is really helpful for me because it's lightly structured and we are all there to admit how imperfect we are. I feel like I can be myself (very helpful) but also feel like I am worth something to others because I can "be there" and try to support them too.

As for close or intimate relationships, I'll let you know if I figure that one out. :woot::nailbiting::O_o::bag:

 

[Suzetig]

I do indeed, but for a long time told myself others just didnt want to be around me. Now I know it's me either pushing them away before they go anyway (distortion on my part) or e withdrawing because I think I'm not good enough. Not sure how to overcome it, bu I know what you're talking about.

 

[Spiderallis]

Generally, I agree with @Suzetig , I tend to push them away before they go away, or remove myself as 'unsuitable for human contact'. On the rare times I let someone get closer than an acquaintance, it's because they've at least tolerated the testing and re-testing I do to quiet my fears. Lost one of those fairly recently, apparently I'd been subconsciously sabotaging things for over a year. I'd seen him be assertive and have boundaries in the past, sort of thought he'd let me know if something wasn't healthy or 'right'. Guess I was wrong.

Just remember, relationships require more than one person. If you pick one that lets you sabotage things or doesn't inquire as to your fading presence, it's okay to walk away- there's other people in the world, maybe one of them would be a better match.

 

[Cool Cat]

Generally, I agree with @Suzetig , I tend to push them away before they go away, .

That sounds like me! I think I try create a conflict that wasn't there

 

[Ann Barry]

Based on past relationships, wondering - Do any of you with this sabotage issue want to be chased? questioned about your pattern? invited back to try?
Do you leave OR are you left when partner expects some intimacy? some private info? What is thet rigger that makes you exit?

 

[aut555]

For me, it feels safer to push away any and all. It's a coping technique. It helps me feel in control. As a survivor, l need to feel in control, to feel safe. I value my safety over all other needs. Didn't realize this until this moment. Thanks!

 

[Beemo3780]

I have a really tough time letting people close to me. I do the disappearing act, but I have had one or two at one time close friends that I blew up at. Just got mad at them for no real good reason except to make them not want to talk to me. One of which I still feel really bad about 4 years later. I've had to deal with a lot of loss and abuse in my life and my biggest fear is that someone will get close to me and either abuse me, or something bad will happen to them. It's not a good way of living, and what I've found helps me a lot is to be honest and upfront with people from the beginning. I don't hide from my issues and the people that are closest to me know I sometimes need my space and worry a lot. I am well aware it requires some patience to be my friend, and I'm thankful that I have people who are very patient with me and have stuck around for the long haul.