The Double Bind Condition

[scout86]

I just want you to know, if I had a passport, I would be packing right now. I don't, although I'll bet there are places north of here I could cross the border without one. Probably not with the car......

Having needs is dangerous. True. It's way MORE dangerous when you have no choice over who's around to meet the needs. That's the first thing. As a child, you had horrible luck and landed with people who were unwilling or unable to meet you needs. Heck, your needs were probably only on their radar screens when you were causing "a problem". That was bad and it's a wonder you lived through it. It's even MORE a wonder you lived through it and developed the capacity to care about other people's needs.

It's a hard idea to get used to, but having needs is a legitimate part of being alive and being alive is a perfectly acceptable thing. It's an especially hard to thing to get used to the idea that this not only applies to everyone else, it also applies to each of us individually. I have as much trouble with that as anyone. (This is easy, because I'm not worried about me, I'm worried about YOU. LOL)

I think where you're running into problems on account of the whole double bind thing is that you've having a hard time seeing that there are really multiple options. It's beyond "thinking outside the box". The box only exists if we believe it does.

Does your doctor know you are afraid of hospitals?

 

[shimmerz]

"OH! He was trying to point out that I DO THAT!" :x3::banghead:

:roflmao::roflmao::hilarious::hilarious: I like your T. He is so funny. I have to say, I looked for the tribe on google and found something else. A tribe that has only FOUR colors.

'Several researchers have studied the OvaHimba perception of colours.[29] The OvaHimba use four colour names:zuzu stands for dark shades of blue, red, green and purple; vapa is white and some shades of yellow; buru is some shades of green and blue; and dambu is some other shades of green, red and brown. It is thought that this may increase the time it takes for the OvaHimba to distinguish between two colours that fall under the same Herero colour category, compared to people whose language separates the colours into two different colour categories.'

What he says is brilliant though and in throwing this thread out there, I am wondering, as Hope mentioned, whether it is because I have been trained to look at only 2 possible scenarios (can't and cannot).

Does your doctor know you are afraid of hospitals?

No. It is a new doctor - but this is a great idea.

I just want you to know, if I had a passport, I would be packing right now. I don't, although I'll bet there are places north of here I could cross the border without one. Probably not with the car......

:hug:'s to you Scout. This has become more about me than I wanted it to be but I am so lucky to have you and others on my side. Thank you.

Really, I am just noticing a pattern to my thinking here and starting to put together that my life may well have been hugely affected by the way I am thinking. That needs to change. Just trying to figure out how.

 

[Hope4Now]

Have you heard my T's "Blue and not blue" story? He says there's this tribe of aboriginal people who only have 2 words for color. Things are either "blue" or they are "not blue".

I LOVE THIS! Thank you for posting it. It simplifies everything in a really concrete way. I do this to myself ALL the time. I think it is why I always refer to myself as a sort of extreme person and why my T often says my parts are extreme. Blue or NotBlue :roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:. How obvious. Especially to me who is an artist with so many hues and shades of blue in my box. Now I just have to map them to my emotional life. :wideeyed::woot:

(My T laughed when I said "Do you suppose I should tell them ahead of time?")

Again...:roflmao::roflmao: (empathetic laughter). I remember you telling this story on the forum. And how nice and supportive your T was and how freaked you were about that. It is interesting to see you reframe it here.

I had a post-hospital experience with my T like this. I have a ton of issues with doctors and hospitals, but as with so much in my life, I force myself to get through it no matter what. Mostly they have no idea. When I had my first colonoscopy in January, a procedure that's totally fine for most people, I was terrified, I had a semi-flashback/semi-dissociated experience (I remember the nurse kept rubbing my shoulder and saying breathe it's going to be okay). The anesthesia did not completely work, so I was vaguely aware of what was going on. I was partly in my recovered memory, partly out of my body, and partly who knows where. I got through, went home, did a bunch of housework, then collapsed for two days with nausea and exhaustion (hello somatic symptoms! My signature, I'm learning). Anyway, when I told my T about what had happened, he said, "Did you tell them you have PTSD?" Um. No? I think just maybe I learned a lesson there.

I wonder just how many of us on this forum re-create this black and white/double-bind thinking every day in our lives. I think I do. Over and over and over again. Maybe why I finally just got so tired of all the consequences of not even realizing how much help I need that I collapsed into my great meltdown.

 

[Born to Run]

I just hope you get the medical care you need as soon as possible. I have no medical trauma, but did have parents who wanted me dead too. It is a f*cking mission impossible, as you never win. I agree very much with scout86 in that you are an adult now, and this is all the difference. I hope you will be able to take care of yourself soon. Take care hugs.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

To ,me a double bind is that you are damned if you do and you are damned if you do not.

For so many years of my life, I had an impossible time of meeting my needs once I began to recognize that I my needs and wants are important. Also I did not know how to ask for help. I have improved greatly in both areas but still need to practice this all of the time.

Safety is the number one need. If you can somehow make yourself feel safe, then many options open up to you in your thinking.

I also believe that double binds happen with toxic people all of the time.

I tend to agree with Spiderallis that to choose the lesser evil is still to choose evil. And to top that off, if you do not choose, the choice is made for you.

I empathize with you greatly for all of the bad experiences you have endured. But this health problem sounds serious and not to get help for it is to suffer serious consequences later on.

Let your sons advocate for you and they will be sympathic witnesses, something you never had before and it really helps. I wish you the best in whatever you do choose to do.

 

[Ronin]

You could take the worst medical thing that happened to you, go to the hospital daring the devil, and then come back with 'they didn't do that'... and issues fixed along the way, win-win. Challenging the fear with doing the fear. After all, if it's any shade of bad (which I doubt it would be the same bad, because of how much you're working on recognizing patterns and all this recovery/keeping safe biz) you can still walk away from it... if it's not, the better for you.

 

[scout86]

I like your T. He is so funny.

Me too! Looking back on it, what seems even more funny now, we sat there and talked about that story for a LONG time. Kind of from both a "science of color" stand point and an anthropology standpoint. I was really engaged in the conversation....... I imagine HE was wondering how long it was going to take me to get the point, or if I was actually going to get it at all.

I actually think this particular way of looking at things has caused me a LOT of trouble over the years. And still does. I'm at least aware it exists now and put a fair amount of effort into making sure I'm looking for ALL the possibilities I can think of. I've kind of turned it into a game. Come to a stop sigh "How many ways can I go?" I figure I have many years of a bad habit to unlearn. I can laugh about it now, when the thought "Darn, I'm going to have to kill him!" shows up and I think "No, actually there are probably other options." I remember the story and it nearly always makes me laugh.

You could take the worst medical thing that happened to you, go to the hospital daring the devil, and then come back with 'they didn't do that'...

I do this with a lot of things. "This might be bad, but it's not as bad as......." AND, if it happens to be "the worst thing ever" then I tell myself that, once it's over, I can use it the next time I need something to fill in the blank.

Blue or NotBlue :roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:. How obvious.

Yeah, I still can't believe it took me a couple of days to figure out why he told the story in the first place!

 

[Valentino]

Needs and I don't do very well together for the reasons expressed above. Cry and punishment - don't cry - potential death. That seems nicer somehow though. Less scary. It is as if, if I do it to myself (not cry or express a need), then that is a less jagged pill to swallow than if someone does it to me.

It feels like there's a lot of threat conditioning or embodied fear association going on here, 'recognizing needs' is directly associated with 'punishment' danger (threat).

But in reality, needs are a part of being human, everyone has them, and needs on their own is a relatively neutral issue. I'm assuming that other needs like hunger, going to the bathroom, sleeping, simple comforts, etc. aren't as danger charged for you?

A more productive approach might be to focus on reconditioning more adaptive patterns which more accurately reflect your current adult reality.

However it starts with breaking the old patterns, which typically needs some real life exposure therapy. Conscious & open feeling of emotions to discharge the old conditioning, habituate & normalize the reaction to stimulus, and to prove to the body (deprogram) that recognizing needs no longer means automatic punishment.

So if I think about what will happen as I go through this process of making this decision, I can reflect back on where my thinking this stuff out actually went wrong. In this situation, I see myself as just pushing my way through until the 14th (dr. appt). I am tough, I can take it, kind of thinking. I think that thinking has come honestly to me but is messed up.

Decision making is a skill, you develop it with practice, you learn to make better decisions through making bad decisions. And great or perfect decisions are a fallacy, you can never fully know in advance. Making decisions is important, and not making a decision is still indirectly making a decision. But what a lot of people overlook, is what to do after decisions are made. Working with a decision is just as important, if not even more important than making a good decision. The ability to adapt, learn, and adjust to new information is very important. And also the ability to change your mind or seek more information or help from others.

I am reminded of 'Ben Franklin's T-Chart' decision making method, which is a written process to write pros & cons out to help with difficult decisions:

I am very familiar with double bind type situations, being socially blind to unspoken rules, expectations, and social norms, along with having an a-typical & unique way thinking and communication, regularly puts me in situations where I genuinely don't know what's expected and what specifically will bring about social punishment or exclusion. Being too honest, too direct, too distant, too slow, too intellectual, too literal, too wordy, too concise, or too naive has gotten me into trouble.

So I guess I was forced to get good at making educated guesses, and adapt from my consistent mistakes and social failures. This might be why I seem like a very good and natural 'out of the box' logical thinker to others; part of it might be genetic, but I'm sure a lifetime of failure to fit in also helped develop it.

As an adult, we have the gift of imagination and creativity, we have infinite ways to change or adjust our perspectives. We can always change the lenses we view life through. Double bind situations that feel like 'lose-lose' can be converted into 'win-win' scenarios. Or 'lose-lose' total failure scenarios can become great opportunities for learning, growth and humility, if you can keep your mind open.

 

[Valentino]

Finding our voice. My voice matters. I matter. My needs are important. I have value.

After some more reflection, I think there's an issue of internalized and repressed anger energy that's under this 'double bind' issue.

Healthy and naturally flowing anger is about honoring, stating, communicating, and standing up for one's needs. Anger naturally comes up when boundaries are crossed because our needs and rights are ignored, dismissed or totally run over.

It can also work in the opposite, some people over-use anger in excess, they over-prioritize their needs to the point that they become blind to other people's boundaries and often run-over & totally ignore other's needs. (Persecutor types)

My dad over-used anger energy to directly control himself & family relationships. So my thoughts, feelings and behavior was always under his attempts to over control by excess and unpredictable anger through criticism and punishment. This led me to try to copy his over-control/perfecting anger strategy, but I failed at this and ended up disarming my own anger, placing my needs secondary, mastering diplomacy and losing touch with my voice. My personality type is more anxiety focused, I'm naturally better at thinking things through and doing things slower. My dad's personality type is likely an body type which is naturally anger/control focused, they can react faster and instinctively, for them thinking seems unnecessary and often gets in their way.

So, it's about developing a healthy relationship with anger, getting to know your anger energy. Learning how to express and consciously use anger, aggression, motivation, focusing attention, etc.

Learning how to take a stand, to stand up for your needs, to voice out your needs to others.

I think there's 3 major types of fears:
1 - Fear of abandonment or separation anxiety
2 - Ownership of our power or fear of out of control rage (out-rage)
3 - Fear of being frozen/stuck from overwhelm, confusion, and doubt.

Most people recognize 1 and 3, but 'ownership of our power' is often overlooked.

People who actively disown or disarm their anger, and internalize it with excess inner critic, often end up being socially very nice and conflict averse. But it's driven by both fear of other's anger/rage and also fear of internalized anger being expressed and fully felt. This is driven by losing touch with ownership of our power (both the creative and destructive power within pure raw anger).

Other types (persecutors) will over-use anger with rules, standards, blame, attack-first strategies, being right, win at all costs, hit & run, defensiveness, denial, etc. And this is also driven by ownership of our power fears, they're terrified of their own rage being out of control or exhausted, or terrified to be at the mercy of other's rage, or the rage from the natural chaos of existence.

Here's one of the few quotes out there that sort of talks about this dynamic:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
--- source: http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Marianne_Williamson

and some other points of view about internalized anger:

Dr. David Burns who popularized CBT to the masses, describes it within the Hidden Emotion model:

The Hidden Emotion Model is based on the idea that niceness is the cause of all anxiety. People who are prone to anxiety are nearly always people-pleasers who fear conflict and negative feelings like anger. When you feel upset, you sweep your problems under the rug because you don't want to upset anyone. You do this so quickly and automatically that you're not even aware you're doing it. Then your negative feelings resurface in disguised form, as anxiety, worries, fears, or feelings of panic. When you expose the hidden feelings and solve the problem that's bugging you, often your anxiety will disappear.
...
So we have four radically different theories about the causes and cures for anxiety. Which theory is correct? According to the Cognitive Model, you'll have to change the way you think. According to the Exposure Model, you'll have to stop running and confront your fears. According to the Hidden Emotion Model, you'll have to express your feelings. And according to the Biological Model, you'll have to take a pill.
-- source: Link Removed

Dr. Robert Firestone on the importance of Anger:

In my experience as a clinician, I have observed that suppressing angry feelings inevitably has destructive consequences. I postulate four major ill effects of bypassing the feeling of angry emotions. They are (1) developing psychosomatic symptoms; (2) turning the anger against oneself; (3) projecting anger outward onto others; and (4) acting out hostile, negative behaviors.
...
In summary, when we deny or suppress hostile emotions, our anger is likely to be internalized, turned against our bodies or our selves, or externalized, distorting the world around us. In addition, we are more likely to lose control and act in ways that are detrimental or destructive to ourselves and to others.

The acceptance of anger and the ability to tolerate angry feelings brings anger under our control and regulation. Indeed, when men and women are able to experience angry feelings and are comfortable with them, they become stronger and more self-possessed.
-- source: Link Removed

 

[shimmerz]

People who actively disown or disarm their anger, and internalize it with excess inner critic,

Interesting that you would say this Valentino. I went through a process in and about February that took care of my inner critic quite well (H'oponopono). When the inner critic left (or was much more in control) is when my anger started to come out. I was able to somehow easily and fairly (I think I was always concerned that I would be angry at someone unfairly), articulate my anger at a person or situation much better. That also led to my not spontaneously tearing up. I didn't realize that there could be a correlation here. Thank you.

niceness is the cause of all anxiety
developing psychosomatic symptoms

I have to say, if someone were to describe me, it would be as the 'Queen of Nice'. I think this is one of the reasons I am isolating quite a bit right now. I am not so nice anymore. Don't get me wrong, I am when the situation calls for it, but I am noticing this natural 'edge' to me now that I am attempting to get acquainted with these days. Who am I if I am not nice???? Perhaps this is why the serious physical problems with me right now.

regularly puts me in situations where I genuinely don't know what's expected and what specifically will bring about social punishment or exclusion. Being too honest, too direct, too distant, too slow, too intellectual, too literal, too wordy, too concise, or too naive has gotten me into trouble.

I am like this too now that I don't have 'nice' to fall back on. It defined me socially. Now, not so much. Without that construct that I have built around me I have no idea who I am socially anymore.

As an adult, we have the gift of imagination and creativity,

This is something I feel I lack in. I hear what people come up with as solutions to problems on this board and scratch my head, wondering how I could have possibly missed that. Before the PTSD rekindling, I was an extremely logical thinker. People came to me for my opinion because there was no emotion in my solutions.

So I guess I was forced to get good at making educated guesses, and adapt from my consistent mistakes and social failures.

When did you realize this Valentino? I would be interested in knowing what process you used to figure this out.

 

[scout86]

Who am I if I am not nice????

How many colors are there, @shimmerz ?

There is more than "nice" and "not nice".

As a fer instance. I recently received an invitation to my brother the narcissist's third wedding. :bag: There's a longish, kind of funny back story, but I'm not going to the wedding. I was discussing the appropriate way to decline the invitation with my T. He said something like "You can be nice without being kind." Or maybe it was polite without "whatever". His point was, I could decline the invitation in a polite, civil manner, without making it any more than that.

You, when it works for you, can be polite without involving yourself in the situation anywhere beyond a superficial level.

"Nice" is one of the many colors that "shimmerz" :p

 

[Valentino]

So I guess I was forced to get good at making educated guesses, and adapt from my consistent mistakes and social failures.

When did you realize this Valentino? I would be interested in knowing what process you used to figure this out.

This is a difficult question, it wasn't like one big light bulb moment type event. It was a long process of trial and error. I grew up in a brainwashing and active use of shaming type environment, I developed psychological toughness from a total lack of emotional support or understanding, and a constant barrage of not good enough criticism.

My childhood strategy was to internalize and disarm my connection with anger, and strengthen emotional detachment. This generally worked fine until my multiple adult traumas, involving injury, accident, criminal victimizations, and secondary wounding from aggressive personality disordered people. The traumas brought me face to face with the downside and limitations of an internalized anger strategy. The major downside was being stuck in total freeze and utter confusion, when diplomacy and emotional detachment failed. Without access to anger, the energy of action and self protection, I literally was frozen, totally at the mercy of other's anger or the natural chaos within the world.

Yes, I could eventually run away to safety one way or another. But I had lost confidence in being to keep myself safe, and my ability to predict and respond to dangers towards myself.

So, I probably started off getting good at working with raw fear, the energy behind freezing, being alert, paying attention, observing, etc. I can probably out-endure most anyone with staying conscious and aware in the midst of raw emotional chaos. My spiritual practices of selfless service, disciplined daily meditation sitting with what is, lots of contemplation, and total immersion with studying and learning, helped expand my capacity to endure the intolerable.

But, all of that work was primarily inner work, done in isolation.

All of my traumas had an external relational aspect to them. Whether it's development trauma from parent's neglect and psychological brainwashing. Or social trauma caused indirectly from the social blindness and ignorance from having an Aspie brain. Or abuse trauma from others from accidents, crime, disagreements, triggers, etc. Or Narcissist/Borderline personality disorder trauma from just being an easy target for them to dump on.

Effective and practical relationship and communication skills were still lacking.

So this is where learning to appreciate and work with Anger fits in. Finding my voice, and learning how to use it, trust it, communicate it so that others can hear it and respect it.

But it's also recognizing the limitations and flaws of 'niceness' strategies. In a sense there is a tyranny within niceness. It's a social and cultural pressure to keep people's authenticity silenced, it's a primary way that we unconsciously fall into disarming our anger, silencing our voice and authenticity, and lose touch with a core creative energy within.

I'm still in the process of discovering my anger and finding my voice.

One turning point happened on this forum a little over a year ago. I was on the receiving end of a vicious personal attack including distortion fog. And for whatever reason, I didn't play nice and let it slide, I took a stand, held my ground, and challenged back. I still lost in public, because my ability stand up for myself and communicate it clearly within social norms was still lacking. And my nervous system was totally trembling from raw vulnerability and anger. But that experience, me taking action and taking a stand. Allowed me to rediscover an inner child that had been lost.

here's some of my personal insights shortly after that experience:

REBELLION! Defending my right to have and trust my own FEELINGs...

My secondary woundings by narcissist and borderlines actually got me to lose trust in my sense of reality and my own feelings, I lost trust in my own gut and instincts. WHY? Because both narcissists and borderlines blasted me with DISTORTION campaigns, and I ended up believing them.

Being an Aspie I'm already naturally prone to be confused with trusting my instincts and emotions. Things often come out wrong or misunderstood. So growing up I learned ways to translate and filter myself, and read the situation. I came across socially awkward but I was okay and comfortable with that.

Post PTSD I had to relearn and develop a whole new social interaction blueprint, in this case I ended up being overly cautious, that strategy was adequate, but failed with defending me against the secondary wounding.

1 - overly cautious means I was projecting weakness, fear and lack of confidence. And to a predator type personality of a borderline or narcissist, they instantly sense weakness and instantly see me as easy prey..
2 - Being overly cautious means I'm projecting a subtle anxiety/fear energy, which borderline/narcissists also don't like feeling
3 - Being overly cautious means that I would focus on conserving MY own ENERGY, and would disregard or not pay attention to all the constant needs for irrational attention by a borderline/narcissist. Essentially thumbing my nose to their incessant need for 'narcissistic supply' (look at me, attention).

So, I ended up breaking tons of vital rules that borderlines and codependents (programmed by borderline's distortion fields) constantly promote and reinforce through peer pressure, subtle shaming, and outright vicious public shaming. This becomes the norm in a rescuer/enabler type support community or in a therapist/patient relationship.

It just creates an addiction to co-dependence. Which is essentially promoting, YOU CAN NOT and WILL NOT EXPRESS or FEEL your own feelings unfiltered. You might DIE if you trust your feelings and instincts, feeling suicide thoughts might create suicide!!! (cast shame, fear, and doubt, masked in rescuer language and surface feelings).

xxxxxx's shaming co-depedence enforcement/training method was to attack me for having Aspie feelings and thinking. Valentino, you are wrong, you are broken! let me help you! You trusted your feelings and instincts! That is BAD! You should not trust it, it is wrong, it is hurtful, it is damaging to others! Instead, don't trust and express your feelings. CONSIDER other people's feelings (neurotypicals)! Other people's feelings are more important!!! (meant more as Borderline's feelings are #1 important, I need narcissistic supply!!) Your feelings and instincts don't matter! Drop that Aspie label, drop generalizations, simply DO NOT think for yourself, LET ME THINK FOR YOU, LISTEN TO my DISTORTION CAMPAIGN of REALITY!!! it might not be totally true, but it's actually BETTER than reality!! why be honest? Living a lie is ultimately better! that's the way to avoid toxic shame!!!

Back then I was still exploring things through a narcissist/borderline, codependence terms and framework. Now I think it's simpler to describe it as excess anger energy, it's all about too much or too little relationship with RAGE. Too much is more persecutor, while too little delves into internal critic and niceness disease.

Anyway, in closing, I'll share some other perspectives:

Tyranny of Niceness by Evelyn Sommers:

To be nice is to silence aspects of one's authenticity. Niceness means giving up honesty in relationships because entrenched fear of judgment or disapproval overrides the inclination to be forthright. The nice person speaks and acts in ways that he or she believes will guarantee approval or at least not elicit disapproval.
I have learned that degrees of niceness are not possible since silence does not exist in degrees, but this does not mean that rude and disrespectful behavior which is what one may think is the only substitute for being nice is acceptable.
I have learned that degrees of niceness are not possible since silence does not exist in degrees,

Children are not born nice. Far from it, infants are noisy and demanding. Children are taught to be nice as the way to get along with other people. The essence of niceness training is obedience to authority.

Niceness is a language of apology and politeness, ubiquitous and therefore familiar, as is any social norm, and it is a powerful deterrent to authentic relating, a mechanism of distancing rather than connection.

Niceness fails to live up to its reputation. It does not make relationships easier, does not guarantee a stamp of approval nor improve the quality of life. On the contrary, niceness often causes confusion in relationships because of the dishonesty implicit in suppressing one's authentic thoughts and feelings. Being nice increases one's sense of alienation from oneself, by far the harshest consequence of all. Niceness detracts from one's quality of life by contributing to health and addiction problems that are an outgrowth of stressful internal conflicts. In contrast, any difficulties that occur in achieving the essential honesty of authentic acts and speech are overridden by the internal calm that prevails in its wake.

--- full article: https://www.psychotherapy.net/article/niceness

Karla McLaren on understanding and befriending anger:

Anger is one of my favorite emotions, because when you know how to work with it, it can help you become more authentically yourself — and more able to interact authentically and honorably with others as well. Anger is a wonderful and pro-social emotion when you know how to work with it.

However, when people don’t know how to work with anger — when they attack others with it, or when they repress it and lose their way — anger can be a real problem. The troubles that many people have with anger make it one of the most hated emotions there is, but this is truly a shame, because anger brings you gifts that are irreplaceable.
...
ANGER: The Honorable Sentry

GIFTS: Honor ~ Conviction ~ Self-awareness ~ Healthy self esteem ~ Proper boundaries ~ Healthy detachment ~ Protection of yourself and others

ACTION REQUIRED: Anger arises to address challenges to your standpoint, your position, your interpersonal boundaries, or your self image. Your task is to restore your sense of self and your interpersonal boundaries without violating the boundaries of others. Your anger will also step in when others are being challenged or devalued, and your task is to address the offense and restore the boundaries of all parties. This is the sacred practice for anger, which I very intentionally call The Honorable Sentry.

THE INTERNAL QUESTIONS: What must be protected? What must be restored?

--- full blog post: http://karlamclaren.com/understanding-and-befriending-anger/

The current social norm is to reinforce fear of anger, to limit anger and to silence people's authentic voices. And it might be even worse in Canada, where being nice is even a higher ideal than it is in America, where here it's more about the selfish 'pursuit of happiness', and recently much less about liberty & 'freedom of speech'.

Anger is the energy behind action, so maybe the best way to build a relationship with it is through action. Understanding can work great for anxiety and fear, connecting, communicating and comparing works well for getting to know sadness, shame, separation anxiety and grief. But Anger and Rage is about taking action, movement and getting in touch with physical instincts & body sensations. It might be more about learning through experience and repetition of reacting and responding to raw emotional impulses.